In spite of this heavy blow, Tchaikovsky did not alter his decision to conduct Les Caprices d’Oxane for two nights longer. The constant activity, and anxiety of a different nature, helped to assuage the violence of his grief.
XII
To N. F. von Meck.
“Maidanovo, February 2nd (14th), 1887.
“I have now been at home five days, yet there is no question of rest; on the contrary, I am working with such feverish haste at The Enchantress that I feel quite exhausted. I cannot live without work, but why do circumstances always compel me to be in a hurry, to have to overtax my strength? I see such an endless pile of work before me to which I am pledged that I dare not look into the future. How short life is! Now that I have probably reached that last step which means the full maturity of my talent, I look back involuntarily and, seeing so many years behind me, glance timidly at the path ahead and ask: Shall I succeed? Is it worth while? And yet it is only now that I begin to be able to compose without self-doubt, and to believe in my own powers and knowledge.”
To N. F. von Meck.
“Maidanovo, February 9th (21st), 1887.
“I am already dreaming of a time when I shall give concerts abroad. But of what does one not dream? If only I were twenty years younger!!! One thing is certain: my nerves are much stronger, and things which formerly were not to be thought of are now quite possible. Undoubtedly I owe this to my free life, relieved from all anxiety of earning my daily bread. And who but you, dear friend, is the author of all the good things fate has brought me?
“The concert will take place in Petersburg on March 5th.”
On February 23rd (March 7th) Tchaikovsky went to Petersburg to attend the rehearsals for the Philharmonic Concert, at which the St. Petersburg public was to make his acquaintance as a conductor, from which dated the commencement of a whole series of similar concerts which made his name known in Russia, Europe and America.