Soon the repressed wishes, impulses—the B complex—began to manifest themselves in a way which indicated that a definite dissociation had taken place, although as yet, as I have said, there was no secondary self or I properly speaking. All the previous undercurrents of thought—the intensified shrinking from the particular condition of life, the internal rebellion against the conditions in general, the disinclinations, longings, wishes, and determinations—had become synthesized, and began to form a separate train of thought, so that at one and the same time there was a sense, as is so commonly felt in such cases, of a double train of thought; she had “a sense of being double.” It seemed to her, C, that there was “all the time a pulling in a different way from the way she had to go, a not wanting to live the life she had to live.” This “sense of being double” seems to have been so pronounced that to B, looking back upon it, it seemed as if these two trains of thought (the C personality and the B complex) “occurred concurrently and simultaneously, so that it could be said that one was co-conscious with the other,” just as much as when there is loss of awareness on the part of the principal consciousness for the coconscious train. In this case there was, however, at this time, no lack of awareness and there is nothing to prove B’s view of concomitance of different trains of thought rather than that the two trains did not rapidly oscillate or alternate from instant to instant.
The self-accusations and self-reproaches of the principal consciousness, C, rendered the pleasure impulses still more intolerable and tended the more to repress the rebellious train and thereby to disrupt further the personality and to crystallize the secondary synthesis. It became more than a matter of inner behavior of mental systems: the outward behavior became affected and changed.
For corresponding to this invasion and domination of the ideas of the B complex the behavior of C became altered, much to her amazement. That is, her conduct at times was governed by the impulses of her once repressed wishes and she found herself then doing things which normally she had not enjoyed or done. Her health and strength also, at such moments, became extraordinarily improved.
This alteration of conduct and character and health became more obtrusive and characteristic at a later date when the B complex had become developed into the B personality. But the alteration of conduct can be easily recognized at these earlier times if some of the previous minor characteristics of C in respect to this sort of behavior are understood.
Among these characteristics were a great dislike of riding on electric cars, an almost abnormal nervousness about bugs and mosquitoes—I always disliked going into the woods for this reason—an aversion to exercise in summer, and a fear of canoeing. I had never enjoyed sitting out from under cover or on the ground as the glare of the sun was apt to cause headache and I abhorred all crawling things. I was reserved with strangers and not given to making my friends quickly; devoted to my family and relatives, fond of my friends, and not in the habit of neglecting them in any way. I felt much responsibility concerning business matters and had given a good deal of time and thought to them. Many more peculiarities might be mentioned.
In the later B personality, as will be presently related, these and other traits were replaced by their opposites, but even at this earlier time the complete reversal of her tastes and behavior was obvious.
To my surprise [C states in her account] there were times when I did some of the things above referred to, such as sitting in the woods, etc. I felt a sense of wonder that I should be doing them and a still greater wonder that I found them pleasant. There was also a sense at times of impatience and irritation at being troubled with business matters or responsibility of any kind and an inclination to throw aside all care. I wondered at myself for feeling as I did and rather protested to myself at many of my acts but still kept right on doing them. It seems to me that these ideas and feelings formed a complex by which I was more or less governed and that this complex gradually grew in strength and can be identified with that of the personality (B) which first developed.
A more interesting account of this change of conduct is given by B:
As she grew more and more neurasthenic, it seems to me as I look back upon it, the B complex grew stronger and more dominant, and with this increase of strength of this complex, C began to live a life corresponding to the impulses belonging to it—staying out of doors entirely—and then there followed much improvement in her health.[[283]] She took long rides on the electric cars, which she had always previously disliked intensively; she had always been very much afraid of a canoe, but now she went canoeing often and enjoyed it. She was surprised and astonished that she should enjoy these things, as it was foreign to her natural and previous ideas and inclinations. There was no change of character, properly speaking, but she did things she disapproved of and knew at the time that she disapproved of them. There was a recognition that she was doing things she would not previously have done, and she protested to herself, but even this half-protest was suppressed. She would say to herself, “Why am I doing these things? I never cared for them before. Why should I care for them now?” The old doubts and fears were at this time out of her mind. The personality was C, but influenced and dominated by the B complex of which, of course, she was perfectly aware.
What is here described is obviously a mood but a mood which included altered bodily as well as mental characteristics. The alternation of neurasthenic and healthy phases also became more obtrusive when the healthy mood became a personality. The apparent recovery then deceived the medical attendant.