PERIOD IV
I
We may now return to C’s account of her dissociated life—to the point where she was about to describe the development of another personality, A, and at which I digressed.
Bear in mind that it is the B personality that now received the shock and that the revelation of the deception, therefore, was to a personality whose point of view was not that of duty or affection but of mere joy and pleasure.
After a period of a few weeks I received a second[[292]] shock, which was caused by the discovery of deception in matters[[293]] which my “obsession” had taken in charge. The revelation came in a flash, a strong emotion swept over me, and the state B, with all its traits, physical characteristics, and points of view disappeared, and I changed to another state which we have since called A. In this state my physical condition was much as it was before the first shock,[[294]] that is, I was neurasthenic. From a state of vigorous health I instantly changed to one of illness and languor; I could hardly sit up, had constant headache, insomnia, loss of appetite, etc. My mental characteristics were also different. As before, however, there was no amnesia either for the state when I was B or for my life before the first shock.
Now, though as A I was filled with most disproportionate horror at what had occurred during the weeks of my life as B, I was ruled by the same obsession, but with this difference: what I, as B, had done with a sense of pleasure, I, as A, did with a sense of almost horror at my own actions, feeling that I was compelled to do so by what seemed at the time a sense of duty. I felt that I must carry out certain obligations, and I doubt now, as I afterward expressed myself to you, if I could have resisted had I tried. [I. e., she was again governed as formerly by the B complex.] I would not refuse the demand for help which was made upon me because, as B, I had promised my aid, but in complying I was obliged to do things which seemed to me, as A, shocking and unheard of. I felt that my conduct was open to severe criticism but I had promised and must fulfil though the skies fell. It seems to me now, in the light of our present knowledge of B, that I, while in this A phase, was in a sort of somnambulistic stage governed by what I have learned were co-conscious ideas belonging to B; and that the impulses of the B complex were too strong to be resisted; but in my memory my ideas as B were at this time so curiously intermingled with my ideas as A that it is useless to try to analyze my mind more accurately. In mood, points of view and ideals I was A, but I did the things B would have done, though from a different incentive.
To fully appreciate the situation and in that light the meaning of A’s point of view in the preceding passage and in that which follows, we must remember that, when the original personality B. C. A., as the neurasthenic and a disintegrated self that we may call the A mood, was suddenly changed by the preceding “shock” to the B personality, for a few minutes the subject was angry, frightened and felt insulted. There can be no doubt that if the change had not occurred she would have resented any further continuance of friendly or philanthropic relations with the object of her resentment. When she came under my observation later, as A, she was overwhelmed with (unjustified) humiliation and blazed with wrath at the mere thought of the episode. Her governing feeling was vengeful emotion. Even later as the normal C she could not forgive or forget.
Now imagine the scene: a person dominated by such feeling suddenly, without apparent rhyme or reason, completely changing in her feelings and point of view, regarding the episode as a lark, enjoying it and smiling and happy. And then in this frolicsome mood continuing to play for a month with the object of her previous wrath. Such a scene on the stage would be a most dramatic one. Imagine what must have been the bewilderment of the victim.
Then, after some weeks of this play, the B personality changes back to the disintegrated self, A. As A she remembers what she has done as B in complete contradiction to her previous feelings and views of the episode, herself and the object. She is overcome with horror on remembering her behavior (as B) and yet she finds herself ruled by a fixed idea of the B complex and going on doing, but from a different motive, the very things which had horrified her.[[295]]
Keeping this situation in mind we can understand A’s feelings and viewpoint bearing in mind that all was morbidly exaggerated.