Ortus Christi: Meditations for Advent

by Mother St. Paul

MY SINS—A TRIPTYCH.

"The night is past, and the day is at hand; let us therefore cast off the works of darkness and put on the armour of light."

(From the "Epistle" for the First Sunday of Advent).

1st. Prelude. The Foot of the Cross where my sins have all been laid.

2nd. Prelude. The grace of contrition and firm resolution.

It is clear from the words which she has chosen for her "Epistle" for the First Sunday of Advent that the Church intends us during this solemn season to think about sin,—the darkness of the past night and the light of the day that is coming and our duty with regard to both. It is not sin in the abstract, but our own personal sins that we are to consider. "Let us cast off the works of darkness." If the Apostle Paul included himself in that "us," we need not fear to do the same. It is meet, when we are thinking on the one hand of Him Who is coming to save us from our sins and on the other of His coming to judge us "according to our works," that we should give some thought to those sins. Nothing will better help us to understand the mercy of the Saviour and the justice of the Judge than a meditation upon our own sins. God forgets the sins He has forgiven, but it is better for us, more wholesome and more humiliating, to remember them sometimes. David says: "My sin is always before me" (Ps. l. 5). The object of this meditation, then, is not to cause trouble in the soul—trouble about sins that are forgiven can only come from the devil—but to excite in us a deeper contrition, more gratitude and a greater watchfulness.

Point I. A Triptych—My Sins.

Am I to consider all the sins of my life? The subject seems so vast, it is difficult to know how to condense it so that I may be able to bring it within my grasp. All sin may be summed up in one word—disobedience—non serviam. It was the sin of the Angels, it was the sin of our first parents and it is at the root of every sin that has ever been committed. God says: Thou shalt not, the sinner says: I will. God says: Do this and thou shalt live; the sinner says: I will not, I would rather die. Sin is man's will in opposition to God's Will. This thought simplifies the subject and makes it easier for me to call up the sins of my life and look at them. Let me make a picture of them—a triptych, a picture, that is, with three panels side by side, the middle one shall be called Places, that on the right hand Persons and that on the left Work.

1. Places. As I look at the middle picture I see it consists of numbers and numbers of small ones, each representing some place that is familiar to me—there is the house where I was born, there the school I attended, houses I have visited, hotels where I have stayed, gardens, playgrounds, lonely roads, walks on cliffs, villages, towns, churches, the sea-side, trams, omnibuses, trains, boats, bicycles, carriages, stations.... I am fascinated and cannot help looking still, though the variety and number are almost bewildering. Each picture is so familiar; some awaken sweet and precious memories, from some I quickly turn away my eyes. All can witness to my presence, how many can witness also to my sins? "Indeed the Lord is in this place, and I knew it not." (Gen. xxviii. 16). That may to some extent be true and if so there is One who is always ready to say: "Father, forgive them for they know not what they do." I know how much I knew, and the best thing, the only thing for me to do is to make an Act of Contrition.

2. Persons. I turn to the right hand panel and there are crowds and crowds of faces, each one familiar—father, mother, brothers, sisters, relations, servants, teachers, scholars, friends, enemies, priests, confessors, acquaintances ... what impression have I left upon each of these? If they could be called up and asked: "What did you think of so and so?" what would they have to say? They would have something, for I left some impression—and yet none of them know me as I really am. The three Persons of the Blessed Trinity have been near me always and always observant. They really know me. What have They to say? "If Thou, O Lord, wilt mark iniquities, Lord, who shall stand it?" (Ps. cxxix. 3).