Ortus Christi: Meditations for Advent

by Mother St. Paul

2nd. Prelude. Grace so to find Him that I may live the hidden life.

Point I. "Thou art a hidden God."

He was hidden in the womb of His Mother; all through His life and death on earth, His Divinity was hidden except to a very few; in His Eucharistic life He will hide Himself to the end of time in the little Host. He seemed to love hiding when He was on earth and when He did reveal Himself, it was something like a child playing at hide and seek. He hid Himself from the Samaritan woman till He had heard all her story and then said suddenly: "I am He (the Messias) Who am speaking with thee" (St. John iv. 26). The blind man whom He cured had not the least idea Who He was till Jesus, hearing that he had been reviled and cast out of the Synagogue, went and talked to him about the Son of God and then said in the middle of the conversation: "Thou hast both seen Him, and it is He that talketh with thee" (chap. ix. 37). From Mary Magdalen at the sepulchre He deliberately hid Himself under the form of a gardener that He might have the joy of suddenly surprising her with His presence. Perhaps the most touching story of all is that of the two disciples going to Emmaus; out of His very love for them, He blindfolded them and then made them look for Him, while He put them off the scent by pretending that He knew nothing about all the things that had been happening in Jerusalem; and then when His moment was come "their eyes were opened and they knew Him." (St. Luke xxiv. 31). He treats His children in the same way still, He constantly hides Himself from them, leaves them alone to fight and struggle in desolation, solitude and spiritual darkness, and then sometimes shows by His sudden presence how near He has been all the time.

Let me consider two questions:

1. How does He hide Himself? (1) Behind obstacles that He makes: suffering, desolation, darkness, temptation, scruples, failure (spiritual as well as temporal), uncongenial people and surroundings—all those many forms of the cross which the true disciple knows so well. Let us remember that He is hidden in them, it will make all the difference. (2) Behind obstacles that we ourselves make. This is not so consoling. He has every right to hide Himself from me, but I have no right to make His coming to me difficult by obstacles that I put in His path, and yet how often I do it! Self is the great obstacle. I am taken up with myself, with my own shortcomings and miseries and failures and weaknesses, with my imagination (how it runs away with me, away from Him!) and my fears, my introspection—uselessly looking into myself to see how I am advancing. What are all these but obstacles which keep God at a distance? The soul that attracts Him is the soul that is occupied with Him, not with self.

2. Why does He hide Himself? Why does He deliberately set up obstacles which prevent the soul from seeing Him? Why does a mother hide from her child? Is it not for the joy of seeing it look for her and for the consolation she is going to give it in letting herself be found? It is the same with our God Who hides Himself. He wants to make us look for Him, He wants to increase our love, our desire and our merit, He wants to make us strong in faith and confidence, while acknowledging our helplessness and dependence and nothingness without Him.

Point II. "Your life is hid with Christ in God."

Though Jesus was hidden in Mary, He was never hidden from her. This was (1) because Mary never put any obstacle between herself and Jesus—her thoughts were all with Him and never with herself, and (2) because her faith and love and desire were so strong that she at once overcame all obstacles, which He in His love and desire for her merit put in her way as was the case during the three days' loss. Jesus and Mary are the models of my interior life. Like Mary I must try to surmount all obstacles, welcome every sword that pierces, leave self and seek Him. Like Jesus in Mary I must strive to lead a hidden life.

How is it to be done? There is only one way—to have God always before my eyes, and self only there to be sacrificed. If I make this my rule, it will simplify my life and be the quick solution of many problems. Why this dryness in prayer? To bring God to my mind and to give me an opportunity of sacrificing self with its love of spiritual consolation and sensible enjoyment. The very dryness makes me thirst after God: "As the hart panteth after the fountains of water, so my soul panteth after Thee, O God. My soul hath thirsted after the strong living God; when shall I come and appear before the face of God?" (Ps. xli. 1-3). This is what God wants—to see the soul longing and thirsting for Him. That is why He puts the obstacle of dryness between Himself and the soul, and hides Himself behind it while He watches the soul struggling to forget itself and saying: "O my soul why dost thou disquiet me? Hope thou in God, for I will still give praise to Him" (verse 12). This is how the faithful soul overcomes the obstacles—not by praying to have them removed, but by a firm faith that God is in them. So with temptations—why these terrible temptations, when God could so easily remove them? Because He is the Master and He knows what is best. If the temptations were removed, the soul would soon be wrapped up in self-complacency and self-satisfaction. Temptations properly used keep the soul close to God, it sees God hidden in them and forgetting all about its treacherous self, it turns to Him Who alone can save it from falling, it keeps God only in view and makes the sacrifice of self. The same principle holds good for all the many obstacles behind which God hides. If they are properly used they are no longer obstacles, but stepping-stones by means of which we pass to Him. God everywhere and self nowhere! God everything and self nothing! God, not self, the object of all I do and think and plan! And that not because I can feel Him and see Him and enjoy Him, but because my faith tells me that though hidden He is there. This was the principle of Mary's life hidden with her Son. He was the cause, the direct cause, of all her troubles, of all the many swords that pierced her most pure heart, yet never was there a life hidden with Christ as was Mary's and the reason was that she forgot herself and saw Jesus only.

"Your life is hid with Christ in God." Are these words of St. Paul true about me? Let me read the whole verse and then I shall know: "For you are dead, and your life is hid with Christ in God." When self is dead, then I shall be able to say God only, and till then, God be thanked, I can hide my miserable self in Him and tell Him that I want it to be sacrificed though I so seldom have the courage to do it.