The Adventures of an Ugly Girl

by Mrs. George Corbett

“Of course it isn’t.”

“Very well, then, I promise.”

“I knew you wouldn’t be nasty with me. And now I’ll explain what the Katzenjammer is. You get it after you have been tipsy.”

“Feo!”

“It’s quite true. You see, last night, after mother and you had gone out, Uncle Feodor and Aunt Anna called with Olaf to take me to the theater, as they had promised to do. But Olaf didn’t want to go to the theater, and asked me to stay at home and play with him. He knew of such a splendid new game, he said. So we got permission to stay here, for I thought Olaf’s new game was something wonderful, he made such a fuss about it when he ran to my room to persuade me to agree to his plan. Then, when we were alone, he said: ‘I have a short story to tell you first. Our old isvostchik, who has been with us so many years, has got dismissed to-day for getting drunk. He has often been drunk, and he was told that if he did it once more he would lose his place. Old Hans, who is a German, knew the penalty of offending again, and he was always troubled with what he called the Katzenjammer after he had been tipsy. But this seemed to make no difference. He got tipsy yesterday, and couldn’t drive the carriage when mother wanted to go out in the afternoon. So he was packed off about his business, in disgrace. Now don’t you think, Feo, that it must be delightful to get drunk? If it were not, do you think a poor man would risk so much for the sake of drinking vodki? I’m sure he wouldn’t, so I’m determined to try what it feels like to be tipsy, and I want you to share the fun. We’ll pretend to be two friends, who haven’t seen each other for a long time, and we’ll keep inviting each other to have a drink with us.’

“‘But suppose it makes us have the Katzenjammer after it?’

“‘Oh, then we have only to take a little drop more vodki, and then we shall be better again.’

“So at last I agreed and Olaf reached a decanter and some glasses out of a sideboard, and we made ourselves tipsy. It was great fun, too, for we grew quite jolly, and we danced, and we sang for ever so long. Then Olaf fell asleep on the floor, and I came to bed. I don’t know whether Olaf wakened up or not when they came to fetch him. And it isn’t half so jolly as I thought it would be. My head aches awfully, and I’m never going to get drunk again.”

Now was it very wrong of me to be so stricken with laughter that I found it necessary to turn away to hide my emotion? I’m afraid a strict moralist would hardly approve of my behavior, and I must have felt some twinges of conscience, or I would not have tried so hard to recover a stern demeanor. Finally, I succeeded, and drew such a picture of future horrors, that would certainly be the consequence of indulgence in a taste for strong drink, that Feo was almost frightened out of her wits and was not likely to transgress again in a hurry. Of course I tabooed the idea of giving her any more of the pernicious stuff which had made her ill. As Trischl appeared to know all about the matter, I purchased her silence by the gift of a silver rouble, which she received with many manifestations of satisfaction. Then I ordered some hot extract of beef to be brought for Feo, advised her to lie still for an hour or two, and went to the morning-room in search of madame.

I found her looking somewhat disturbed. She always had a surprising amount of letters, seeing that she was a private individual. I had once or twice offered to take some of the fatigue of correspondence off her hands. But to this she would never consent. Indeed, I never even saw the addresses of the letters she sent away, as might have been the case had she cared to trust me with the duty of writing them down to her dictation. There was much that was mysterious in her way of receiving and dispatching her postal communications, and she was so good-natured with me on every other point that I knew she must have a good and sufficient reason for keeping me aloof in this respect. On this particular morning one of her letters had brought her tidings which necessitated a sudden change of plans on her part. As had been the case when in London, she left home for a few days, scarcely allowing herself time to have a small portmanteau packed, and giving us not the slightest idea of where she was going or how long she would be away. I was told that she depended upon me to take her place in the household as far as possible, but specific directions she had not time to give me.