Is this to be a full confession? When my solitary dinner was brought in, and Hickens said his master dined at Warsall, I felt half sick with disappointment. What was I coming to? Something not good, I feared, if I could feel like that; and I sat down after dinner to take myself to task.
Why did I love him? That I could not help now; but I could help encouraging it. And yet—could I help it, so long as I stayed at Chandos? I foresaw how it would be: a short period of time—it could not be a long one—and Madame de Mellissie would be there and carry me away with her, and end it. I should get another situation, and never see or hear of Chandos again, or of him. Better go away at once than wait until my heart broke! better go to the fever, as Mrs. Penn had said!
"Why! What's the matter?"
He had come up to the open window, riding-whip in hand, having alighted at the gates, and left his horse to the groom. There was no possibility of concealment, and my face was blistered with crying.
"I felt a little dull, sir."
"Dull! Ah, yes; of course you do," he continued, as he came into the room, and stood with me at the window. "I wish I could be more with you, but duties of various kinds call me elsewhere."
The very thing I had been thinking ought not to be! My tears were dried, but I felt ashamed of my burning face.
"Would you please to let me have that money, Mr. Chandos?"
"What money?"
"Some I asked you for. Enough to take me to Nulle."