Mr. Howard did know this, and this knowledge was in fact his chief comfort under the infliction of such a discussion.
If he had previously entertained any doubt as to the state of his own feelings, this conversation must have enlightened him. Once or twice on previous occasions he had been seized with a temporary jealousy of Lord Osborne's place in her estimation, but from this moment the fit came strongly on him.
He was one of those individuals who never feel any confidence in their own merit, who estimate every one in some respect above themselves, and are continually mistrusting the influence which they really possess over their friends. Had he been properly aware of his own worth, his knowledge of Emma Watson's character would effectually have preserved her from the imputation he now mentally cast on her, of preferring the young lord to himself. Had phrenology then been in fashion, it is possible that the origin of this weakness would have been discovered in the absence of the bump of self-esteem; but this not being the case, and in consequence, his head never having been phrenologically examined, I cannot answer for more than the entire absence of the quality, and Mr. Howard cannot be brought forward in evidence of any phrenological theory whatever.
He felt now that he must withdraw his attentions and give up his dearest plans, to allow a fair field to Lord Osborne's attempts—though, in doing so, he might lose her entirely. He had, for a moment, entertained the idea of explaining his wishes to his rival and asserting an equal right to compete for her hand. But he could not bring himself to confess his own attachment to a young man like his pupil; he could not depend on the secret being preserved, and he shrunk from profaning his love by making it the possible joke of Tom Musgrove and his associates. No, he would withdraw from the competition—he would not be the means of depriving her of wealth and rank—if she valued them—and if not—if, as was possible, his lordship should be refused, then, with hope and joy, he would return to try his fate in the same adventure.
For this end it was, in part, that he determined to obtain a holiday; he had long begun to feel that he ought to go for another reason, but Emma Watson's attractions had kept him stationary. The other reason arose from the sentiments which the dowager Lady Osborne began to make very apparent to him. His modesty had long resisted the idea and denied the fact, when, as often happened, he was charged by young men of his acquaintance with designs upon the well-jointured widow.
But even his modest estimation of himself was forced to yield before the conviction which her looks, her manners, and her language conveyed to his mind.
Most unwelcome this conviction certainly was, as it could end, he thought, in nothing but a positive rupture between his family and the Osbornes; and unless he had the power of obtaining another home, it would certainly render them exceedingly uncomfortable. He knew the dowager to be of a vindictive disposition when she considered herself injured or insulted, and both to his own family and that of his beloved Emma, he foresaw nothing but evil from the prospect before then. If Emma should accept the son, the rage of his mother would certainly be intense, and if she refused him and accepted Mr. Howard instead, there was but little probability she would be better pleased. All hopes of further advancement from the family patronage would be at an end, and he was not sure that upon the small income his present living afforded him, it would be prudent to marry, as his sister and her little boy were quite dependent on himself. There were Charles' maintenance at a public school, and his subsequent expenses at the university to be looked forward to and provided for; he had engaged to do this, voluntarily engaged himself, and now that he came seriously to reflect on his position and ties, on the expenses of a married man, and the probabilities of any better future provision, he began to wonder what infatuation had before closed his eyes, and hurried him on against his better judgment, to an affection which threatened so much of care and difficulty. Yet it was hard, very hard to give up the charming hopes with which he had flattered his fancy; he did not feel equal to such a sacrifice; he did not feel positively called to it. For the present he would quit her, but he would make no desperate resolves for the future: when he came nearer that part of his path, he should be better able to tell in which direction his duty would guide him.
When he unexpectedly found himself in Emma's presence, and alone with her, his contending feelings had almost deprived him of self-control, and he had been scarcely conscious what he said or did, though on quitting her, he carried away a decided conviction that he had behaved extremely ill, and no doubt she was disgusted with him. With this pleasing notion he returned to his house, and his sister soon saw that there was something the matter, by the absence of his mind, and the air of depression which hung over him.
He told her he wanted to leave home for a time, that he thought it would do them both good, that he had been talking to Lord Osborne about it, that he must apply to her ladyship, and that he expected her to refuse. Mrs. Willis was a good deal puzzled by all this, but could obtain from him no more satisfactory answer. Playfully she accused him of having been refused by some lady, which of course he denied; then of having affronted some one by refusing her, which met with a similar answer. Her invention and imagination seemed to go no farther, and she was obliged to be quiet and watchful.