May 20th. * * * *
The summer proved very hot; my brother’s feeble nerves were very much affected, and there being in general much company, added to the difficulty of choosing the most airy rooms for his retirement.
July 8th.—I had a dawn of hope that my brother might regain once more a little strength, for I have a memorandum in my almanac of his walking with a firmer step than usual above three or four times the distance from the dwelling-house to the library, in order to gather and eat raspberries, in his garden, with me. But I never saw the like again.
The latter end of July I was seized by a bilious fever, and I could for several days only rise for a few hours to go to my brother about the time he was used to see me. But one day I was entirely confined to my bed, which alarmed Lady Herschel and the family on my brother’s account. Miss Baldwin[[28]] called and found me in despair about my own confused affairs, which I never had had time to bring into any order. The next day she brought my nephew to me, who promised to fulfil all my wishes which I should have expressed on paper; he begged me not to exert myself for his father’s sake, of whom he believed it would be the immediate death if anything should happen to me....[[29]] Of my dear nephew’s advice I could not avail myself, for I knew that at that time he had weighty concerns on his mind. And, besides, my whole life almost has passed away in the delusion that next to my eldest brother, none but Dietrich was capable of giving me advice where to leave my few relics, consisting of a few books and my sweeper. And for the last twenty years I kept to the resolution of never opening my lips to my dear brother William about worldly or serious concerns, let me be ever so much at a loss for knowing right from wrong. And so it has happened that at the time when I was stupefied by grief at seeing the death of my dear brother, I gave myself, with all I was worth, up to my brother Dietrich and his family, and from that time till the death of D. I found great difficulty to remain mistress of my own actions and opinions. In respect to the latter we never could agree. And this it was which prompted me to send Flamsteed’s works to Göttingen (I would rather have kept them till now) for fear they might be offered for sale. Having about this time received very distressing accounts of family misfortunes from Dietrich at Hanover, I could find no rest on his account till I should have made my £500 stock over to him, but this required my presence at the bank, and I could not think of leaving Slough till my brother should be engaged for some days with his family previous to the departure of my nephew, who was going to accompany a friend abroad. And besides, I knew that my absence would then be scarcely perceived, as a very sensible elderly lady (Mrs. Morsom) would be there on a visit.
1822. Recollections written at Hanover.
Aug. 8th.—I went, and at six o’clock in the afternoon of the 10th I was home again. My nephew had left Slough the same morning.
I found my brother seated by the ladies, but so languid that I thought it necessary to take a seemingly unconcerned leave for the night.
Aug. 11th, 12th, 13th, and 14th. I went as usual to spend some hours of the forenoon with my brother.
Aug. 15th.—I hastened to the spot where I was wont to find him with the newspaper which I was to read to him. But instead I found Mrs. Morsom, Miss Baldwin, and Mr. Bulman, from Leeds, the grandson of my brother’s earliest acquaintance in this country. I was informed my brother had been obliged to return to his room, whither I flew immediately. Lady H. and the housekeeper were with him, administering everything which could be thought of for supporting him. I found him much irritated at not being able to grant Mr. Bulman’s request for some token of remembrance for his father. As soon as he saw me, I was sent to the library to fetch one of his last papers and a plate of the forty-foot telescope. But for the universe I could not have looked twice at what I had snatched from the shelf, and when he faintly asked if the breaking up of the Milky Way was in it, I said “Yes,” and he looked content. I cannot help remembering this circumstance, it was the last time I was sent to the library on such an occasion. That the anxious care for his papers and workrooms never ended but with his life was proved by his frequent whispered inquiries if they were locked and the key safe, of which I took care to assure him that they were, and the key in Lady Herschel’s hands.
After half an hour’s vain attempt to support himself, my brother was obliged to consent to be put to bed, leaving no hope ever to see him rise again. For ten days and nights we remained in the most heartrending situation till the 25th of August, when not one comfort was left to me but that of retiring to the chamber of death, there to ruminate without interruption on my isolated situation. Of this last solace I was robbed on the 7th September, when the dear remains were consigned to the grave.