“Miss St. John,” he said, “when you feel for them so deeply, you must sympathize with me too. The harder life is, has it not the more need of some clear perception of all the higher meanings in it? If it is worth while to be a clergyman at all, this is the use, it seems to me, to which we should put ourselves; and for that reason——”
“You are coming to Brentburn!” cried Cicely. The tears disappeared from her eyes, dried by the flush of girlish impatience and indignation that followed. “As if they were all heathens; as if no one else had ever taught them—and spent his time and strength for them! Out of your Latin and Greek, and your philosophy, and your art, and all those fine things, you are coming to set a high ideal before poor Sally Gillows, whose husband beats her, and the Hodges, with their hundreds of children, and the hard farmers and the hard shopkeepers that grind the others to the ground. Well!” she said, coming rapidly down from this indignant height to a half disdainful calm, “I hope you will find it answer, Mr. Mildmay. Perhaps it will do better than papa’s system. He has only told them to try and do their best, poor souls! to put up with their troubles as well as they could, and to hope that some time or other God would send them something better either in this world or another. I don’t think papa’s way has been very successful, after all,” said Cicely, with a faint laugh; “perhaps yours may be the best.”
“I think you do me injustice,” said Mildmay, feeling the attack so unprovoked that he could afford to be magnanimous. “I have never thought of setting up my way in opposition to Mr. St. John’s way. Pray do not think so. Indeed, I did not know, and could not think——”
“Of papa at all!” cried Cicely, interrupting him as usual. “Why should you? No, no, it was not you who ought to have thought of him. You never heard his name before, I suppose. No one could expect it of you.”
“And if I have entered into this question,” he continued, “it was to show you that I had not at least mere petty personal motives.”
“Oh, I beg your pardon, Mr. Mildmay. I had no right to inquire into your motives at all.”
Mildmay was not vain; but he was a young man, and this was a young woman by his side, and it was she who had begun a conversation much too personal for so slight an acquaintance. When he thought of it, it was scarcely possible to avoid a touch of amiable complacency in the evident interest he had excited. “Nay,” he said, with that smile of gratified vanity which is always irritating to a woman, “your interest in them can be nothing but flattering to me—though perhaps I may have a difficulty in understanding—”
“Why, I am so much interested! Mr. Mildmay!” cried Cicely, with her eyes flashing, “don’t you think if any one came to you to take your place, to turn you out of your home, to banish you from everything you have ever known or cared for, and send you desolate into the world—don’t you think you would be interested too? Don’t you think you would wonder over him, and try to find out what he meant, and why this thing was going to be done, and why—oh, what am I saying?” cried Cicely, stopping short suddenly, and casting a terrified look at him. “I must be going out of my senses. It is not that, it is not that I mean!”
Poor Mildmay looked at her aghast. The flash of her eyes, the energy of her words, the sudden change to paleness and horror when she saw how far she had gone, made every syllable she uttered so real, that to pass it over as a mere ebullition of girlish temper or feeling was impossible; and there was something in this sudden torrent of reproach—which, bitter as it was, implied nothing like personal, intentional wrong on his part—which softened as well as appalled him. The very denunciation was an appeal. He stood thunderstruck, looking at her, but not with any resentment in his eyes. “Miss St. John,” he said, almost tremulously, “I don’t understand. This is all strange—all new to me.”
“Forget it,” she said hastily. “Forgive me, Mr. Mildmay, when I ask your pardon! I did not think what I was saying. Oh, don’t think of it any more!”