Not long after this, my husband one day told me that a select few had been chosen to receive their Second Endowments, and that we were to be honoured with the same privilege. This I was told was one of the highest honours that could be conferred upon us, as the Second Endowments had never been given to any one since the Mormons left Nauvoo.
The glory of this privilege I did not myself, however, feel; and, notwithstanding any respect which might be intended by our names being added to the list of chosen ones, I refused to see the slightest good in the whole affair. I am afraid I was naturally perverse—or was it that the light was now beginning to dawn more clearly upon my mind? I know not. But I raised every possible objection, feeling, though I did, that all opposition on my part was useless. I knew that I should have to go, but I felt a dismal satisfaction in letting every one know how much I hated the system.
“Our” second wife—I say “our,” because I had been taught that my husband and myself were indissolubly one, even in the matter of taking wives—“our” second wife seemed the happiest of us all when the day arrived, and I believe she considered that we were very highly favoured. After preparing our Temple robes, we started for the Endowment House. The reluctance which I felt caused me to lag behind, and I was gently reminded several times that I was making myself very disagreeable. I did not, however, feel much remorse, for my husband had still one good, obedient wife walking at his side, who I knew would sympathize with him; and that, as every one is aware, is more than falls to the lot of every man.
When we reached the Endowment House, we ladies were shown into one room and our husband into another. We then proceeded to array ourselves in our robes, caps, and aprons—the same as when we received our first Endowments—and when all was ready we were ushered into another room by one of the brethren, who was also dressed in his Temple robes. There we met our husband and several other brethren, all dressed in the same way. We sat down, and oil was then poured upon the head of our husband by two of the brethren—Daniel H. Wells and another—and he was then ordained a King and Priest to all eternity. After that, we two wives were anointed in like manner, and ordained Queens and Priestesses, to reign and rule with our husband over his kingdom in the celestial world.
Had I ever solaced myself with the notion, which some Mormon women entertain, that first wives are queens over all the rest, I should have been sadly disappointed when I heard “our” second wife ordained to the same high office as myself. As it was, however, my faith was so small that I should have been quite contented had they consecrated her alone queen for Eternity, so long as they would have allowed me to rule and reign by myself in my own home for Time.
The ceremony did not last long; but it all appeared to me such folly that I was anxious to leave the place, and, though I dared not say so, I was truly ashamed to be seen coming out of the House. While going through these Endowments I was filled with a thorough contempt for everybody and everything around me, and I suppose that my feelings were visible upon my countenance; for, after leaving the House, I remember the Apostle John Taylor asking me if I did not feel well, and I told him as plainly as I dared what really was the matter. He spoke to me very kindly, and tried to reassure me; but the scales were now falling from my eyes, and all his arguments availed nothing.
Notwithstanding all this, I was not ready yet to cast off the yoke, and a few months after our Second Endowments I again gave evidence of my faith. An event occurred in the other branch of my husband’s family which produced a strong impression upon my mind—a little daughter was presented to him by his second wife. I was, of course, expected to go and visit the young mother and child, and I thought I could never bring my mind to do that.
It would be impossible for me to define my feelings at that time—loathing and hatred for him and for her, and even for the poor innocent babe, on the one side; and, on the other, thoughts of what I considered was my duty towards God, my husband, and his other lawful wife. I was bewildered. My heart said, Do not go; but my conscience said, It is your duty to treat her kindly, for she believes she has done you no wrong. Then I thought, She is a young mother, and, without you frowning upon her, sorrow will come swiftly enough to her door.
I saw that my husband was troubled as to what my feelings might be, although he had not had courage to tell me himself of the interesting event. He was afraid of paining me, and sent a lady friend with the intelligence. I spoke to him myself, and told him that I would go and see Belinda and her child. He thanked me, and said, “God bless you for that.” Then I went to see her; but I was thankful when the visit was over; and although I went again many times, and tried my very best to treat her kindly and even affectionately, I could never get over the painful feelings which agitated my mind when in her presence.
