CHAPTER IX.
MISSIONARY WORK—TEACHING POLYGAMY.
I now entered upon a new phase of my missionary life; the Elders assured me that it was my duty to teach polygamy to the women of Switzerland.
Hitherto, although I had suffered much from poverty and privation, my work as a missionary had been very pleasant. I believed with my whole heart all that I taught, and my best wishes for the people around me were that they might become altogether such as I was, except in my sufferings.
Now, however, all this was changed. It was no longer salvation through faith in Christ, or repentance, or baptism; it was no longer love and peace for this world, and the promise of everlasting joy in the world to come, that I was called upon to teach. My task hitherto had been a labour of love; now it was to be a weary work of pain. How could I teach the sisters, the affection of whose guileless hearts I had won to myself—how could I teach them that which my own heart abhorred, a doctrine which I hated with my whole soul!
How I strove against my rebellious nature! how I battled with myself! That God had sent the Revelation I never questioned, and all rebellion to His will I knew must be sinful. I had no thought of evading the responsibility; my heart must be subdued. It might be subdued; it might be crushed and broken; but I could never again, I felt, be truly happy. I tried to reason with myself, and to persuade myself that it was I who was to blame and not the Revelation. If the Lord required me to submit, it must be for some good purpose; and I must not refuse the cross that He called upon me to bear. Sometimes for a few moments something would attract my attention and divert my thoughts; but the terrible reality—polygamy, refused to be ignored, and I felt all the more bitterly afterwards. I never was happy, for life had lost its charm to me. Ere I slept at night one dreadful thought was haunting my pillow—it disturbed my very dreams; and when I awoke in the morning, it was with a feverish apprehension of coming evil hanging over me. All through the long, weary day it haunted my footsteps like a spectre; and like a fearful blight that had fallen upon me, it seemed to be withering my soul. One thought was ever present in my mind—that thought, polygamy!
It can be no wonder that I lost all interest in life, and that I should almost wish to die rather than live that life of degradation which I dreaded would be mine. But death flies from those who woo her; the wretched, the weary, the hopeless, they find her not. I felt that there was no rest for me. My only comfort was in my children; no revelation, I felt, could change their relationship to me. But over my little daughter Clara I mourned, for I thought if this revelation were acted upon by the Saints, as doubtless it would be, she would some day be called upon to suffer as I did. How little did I then, however, anticipate in what way my fears would be realized! My Clara became the daughter-in-law of Brigham Young, having married his eldest son, Joseph A. Young.
I am afraid at that time I was somewhat of a trial to my husband, for my heart was not yet quite subdued. I grew impatient at the wrong which I felt had been done to me, and I often said bitter things against the Prophet of the Lord and all his sex, including my husband, who was then, and for years after, a devoted Mormon, and was quite horrified at what I said. He often told me that I was a great hindrance to him, and that it was impossible for any one who lived with me to enjoy the Spirit of God—and I was afraid that he only spoke the truth.
Then I repented, and sought to chasten myself; and I fasted and prayed, and asked forgiveness of God and my husband. But even when most subdued I was as unhappy as ever, and some one was sure to say something which reminded me of my trouble; and whenever the elders came to the house they were sure to discuss the one painful topic. Then my indignant feelings all came back again, and I felt the spirit of rebellion stirring within me. I could not help it, for I felt that woman’s nature itself was insulted by the degrading doctrine, and any mention of it excited my anger.
My husband and the Elders had anticipated that I would not readily submit, and they bore with me as patiently as they could, losing no opportunity of strengthening me in the faith, ever keeping before me the obligation that rested upon me in particular to explain the doctrine to the Swiss sisters. They knew very well that nothing tends more to confirm the faith of the wavering than setting them to teach others. Brigham Young has always acted on this principle, and whenever any of the brethren have evinced signs of doubt or disaffection they have been at once despatched on a mission. Their efforts to convert others established their own faith.
Among the Swiss we had never spoken on polygamy or any kindred subject, and we were therefore spared the humiliation which the British Elders experienced in having to retract their own teachings. Nevertheless, Mr. Stenhouse and the other Elders felt great anxiety as to how the new doctrine would be received. My husband did not at once openly tell them that such a Revelation had been sent from Zion; but whenever an opportunity presented he took them aside singly, and spoke to them about the ancient patriarchs who practised polygamy; and so great was his influence with the converts that he soon won them over to the new teaching, and made them feel that they would not be justified in rejecting the Revelation. Many of the Swiss Saints before their conversion had been more Socialists than Christians, and they probably thought that this change in the marriage institution was a sign of advancing intellectual supremacy; but their wives were very far from sharing these opinions with them.