‘I have got another idea. I think it is one of the daughters of the late Emperor. But what difference does it make? In any case, as every one tells me, it is no use just sitting and watching him slip away from me as one might watch the light fade out of the evening sky. “Go away, pay a visit somewhere or other,” they say to me. I have thought about nothing else day or night but this hideous business. The weather is very hot. But it is no use going on talking about what I am going to do. This time my mind is made up. I am going to Ishiyama for ten days.
‘I decided to tell no one, not even my brothers, and stole from the house very secretly, just before dawn. Once outside, I began to run as fast as I could. I had almost reached the Kamo River when some of my women came rushing after me laden with all sorts of stuff. How they discovered that I had fled and that this was the direction I had taken, I still do not know. The setting moon was shining very brightly and we might easily have been recognized; but we met no one. When we came to the river some one told me there was a dead man lying face downwards on the shingle. I did not feel afraid.
‘By the time we reached the Awada Hill I began to be very exhausted and was obliged to rest. I had still not decided what I should do when I arrived,[5] and in the agony of trying to make up my mind I burst into tears. I could not risk being seen in such a state and staggering to my feet I set out once more, just able to drag myself along a step or two at a time.
‘By the time we reached Yamashina it was quite light. I felt like a criminal whose guilt has suddenly been exposed and became so agitated that I scarcely knew what I was doing. My women had now fallen behind. I waited for them and made them go in front, myself walking alone so that we might attract as little attention as possible. Yet the people I met stared at me curiously and whispered excitedly. I was terrified.
‘Scarcely able to draw breath I at last reached Hashiri-i. Here they said it was time for breakfast, and having opened the picnic baskets they were just arranging the mats and getting things ready when we heard people coming towards us shouting at the top of their voices. What was I to do? Who could it be? I could only suppose that they were friends of one or another of the maids who were with me. “Could anything more tiresome have happened?” I was just thinking, when I saw that the people were on horseback and formed part of a large travelling party, consisting of numerous riders and a number of waggons and coaches. It was in fact the retired governor of Wakasa coming back from his province. Soon they began to pass the place where we were sitting. Fortunate travellers! Among them are many who from to-day onwards will kneel in my Lord’s presence noon and night. This thought cut through my heart like a knife. It seemed to me that the drivers took the waggons as close as they could to where we had spread our mats. While they were passing us, not only the servants who were at the back of the coaches but even the drivers and grooms behaved disgracefully, making such remarks as I had never heard before. My ladies showed great spirit, hastily moving our belongings as far from the roadside as they could and calling out: “This is a public highway, isn’t it? We have just as good a right to be here as you!” What an odious scene to be mixed up with! As soon as they were well out of sight we pressed on again, and were soon passing through the Ōsaka gate. I reached the quay at Uchide[6] more dead than alive. My people whom I had sent on ahead had gathered long bulrushes and built for me a kind of shelter or cabin on the deck. I crept on board and lay down, scarcely noticing whether we had the boat to ourselves or not. Soon we were far out upon the lake. During the voyage, as we drew further and further from the City, I felt a loneliness, an anguish, an utter helplessness impossible to describe. It was well after the Hour of the Monkey (i.e. about 5 p.m.) that we reached the temple.
‘As soon as I had taken a bath, I went and lay down. Again I began trying to make up my mind what I should do, and for several hours I lay tossing from side to side, unable to get any rest. At dusk I washed again and went into the Chapel.
‘I began trying to make my confession to Buddha; but tears choked me and my voice fell to a whisper. It was now quite dark. I went to the window and looked out. The Chapel stood high, and below it was what seemed like a precipitous ravine; it lay in a cup or hollow and the steep banks on either side were overgrown with tall trees, so that the place was very closed-in and dark. The moon was some twenty days old and having risen late in the night was now shining with extraordinary brilliance. Here and there the moonlight pierced through the trees, making sudden patches of brightness; there was one such just at the foot of the cliff. Looking straight below me I could see what appeared to be a vast lake, but was indeed only a small drinking-pool. I went on to a balcony and leant over the railing. Among the grass on the steep bank far below me I could see something white appearing and disappearing, and at the same time there was a curious, rustling sound. I asked what it was and was told that these were deer. I was wondering why I had not heard them cry as one generally does, when suddenly from the direction of quite a different valley there came a faint weak sound like the wailing of a new-born child. Surely it must be a young doe crying a great way off? At first I thought that I was imagining the sound; but presently it became unmistakable.
‘I was lost in prayer and knew nothing of what was going on around me, when a hideous yelling, seeming to come from the far side of the hills at which I had been looking, broke in upon my prayers. It was a peasant chasing some one off his land. Never have I heard a voice more pitiless, more ferocious. If such sounds as that proved to be common happenings in this place, I knew that I should not hold out very long and, utterly shattered, I sat for a while trying to recover my composure. At last I heard a sound of chanting in the temple; the monks had begun to sing the goya,[7] and I left the chapel. Feeling very weak, I again took a bath. It was beginning to grow light, and looking about me I saw that a heavy night-mist was rolling away to the West, blown by a light, steady wind. The view beyond the river looked as though painted in a picture. Near the water horses were quietly grazing; they looked strangely small and far away. It was very lovely.
‘If only my beloved child were in safe hands I would give everything up and arrange to end my days here. But the moment I think of him I long to be back in the City and become very depressed.
‘He will be coming with the other boys on the excursion to Sakura-dani, which is not far from here. If he were to come, I could not bear to hear that he had passed so close.... I do not want to go back; but I think if any one fetched me I should consent to go. But should I? I worry about this all the time and cannot bring myself to eat anything.