Just. First case: the Academy versus Drink. Let the jury take their seats. Mark the time,’ Hermes. Drink, open the case…. Not a word? can you do nothing but nod?—Hermes, go and see what is the matter with her.
Her. She says she cannot plead, she would only be laughed at; wine has tied her tongue. As you see, she can hardly stand.
Just. Well, there are plenty of able counsel present, ready to shout themselves hoarse for sixpence; let her employ one of them.
Her. No one will have anything to do with such a client in open court. But she makes a very reasonable proposal.
Just. Yes?
Her. The Academy is always ready to take both sides; she makes a point of contradicting herself plausibly. ‘Let her speak first on my behalf,’ says Drink, ‘and then on her own.’
Just. A novel form of procedure. However, go on, Academy; speak on both sides, if you find it so easy.
Acad. First, gentlemen of the jury, let me state the case for 16 Drink, as her time is now being taken.
My unfortunate client, gentlemen, has been cruelly wronged: I have torn from her the one slave on whose loyalty and affection she could rely, the only one who saw nothing censurable in her conduct. I allude to Polemon, whose days, from morning to night, were spent in revel; who in broad daylight sought the publicity of the Market in the company of music—girls and singers; ever drunk, ever headachy, ever garlanded. In support of my statements, I appeal to every man in Athens to say whether he had ever seen Polemon sober. But in an evil hour for him, his revels, which had brought him to so many other doors, brought him at length to my own. I laid hands on him, tore him away by brute force from the plaintiff, and made him my own; giving him water to drink, teaching him sobriety, and stripping him of his garlands. He, who should have been sitting over his wine, now became acquainted with the perverse, the harassing, the pernicious quibbles of philosophy. Alas! the ruddy glow has departed from his cheek; he is pale and wasted; his songs are all forgotten; there are times when he will sit far on into the night, tasting neither meat nor drink, while he reels out the meaningless platitudes with which I have so abundantly supplied him. I have even incited him to attack the character of my client, and to utter a thousand base insinuations against her good fame.
The case of Drink is now complete. I proceed to state my own. Let my time be taken.