CHAPTER XXIII.
MY CONFESSION.
I HAD apparently deceived my wife as far as it was possible for me to do so. If I told her the truth, would she not spurn me, cast me out and despise me? How could she do less? She was innocent, she was true, she was beautiful; and I was afraid of her. Many and many a time had I cursed my folly and wickedness in departing, even for a moment, from the straight path of rectitude. I wondered that I had been able to delude myself into the belief that taking even a few hundred dollars for a brief period was not a crime.
Be warned, O young man, against the first wrong step. While you cheat others, you are the greatest dupe yourself.
In the excitement of seeing the wonders of London I had found some relief from the goadings of conscience, and from the terrors of the future. Almost every day I met some Americans, seeing the sights which attracted strangers. I avoided them, for I feared that I should be recognized by some one from Boston. Lilian desired to see these Americans, but I was obliged to lead her away from them. I was not only an exile from home, but I felt like a leper among my own countrymen.
I was now to face a genuine trial, not a fear, but a reality. After reading the paragraph in the newspaper, my wife had evidently measured my conduct by the suspicions she entertained. By this time she was satisfied that I had not resorted to so much concealment in leaving Boston for the reasons I had alleged. My course was inconsistent from beginning to end. I could easily imagine what had passed through her mind since she read that paragraph.
Possibly I might succeed in lulling her suspicions for the time. I might even argue her out of them. She was innocence and simplicity, like her father, rather than her mother, and would try to believe what I told her. But what was the use to attempt to deceive her any longer? The truth would soon dawn upon her. Yet I had not the courage to be candid with her.
“Why don’t you tell me about it, Paley?” repeated she, anxiously, as I turned over the newspaper.