At last all was arranged for me to take the black veil, and I even had orders to write for my mother to come and see this imposing ceremony, as it is really a novice’s entire death to the world, and we are allowed to see our nearest relative before we die. I was told I might go into the visitor’s room to see my mother if she came; but though my Superior said it was lawful to see her, yet she advised me not to go, as it might prove a cause of great distraction. When I was first told I might go into the room where my mother was to come, my heart leaped for joy. “Now,” I thought, “I shall be able to kiss her once again.” But then I remembered all the advice I had been given, and I wanted to be “perfect”; so, for the love of Jesus, as I thought, I gave up the privilege and joy of kissing my own dear mother!
As a rule, we only saw friends behind the grille, with a third person, who must be a professed nun, to listen and report us should we make a slip in our conversation, or scandalize a secular by repeating anything that should not be told.
However, after all, my taking the black veil and thus becoming a professed nun was put off, as the superiors could not agree as to what place I was to take in the community. The reverend Mother wished me to keep where I was—the reverend Father wished me to be raised above six or seven who were older, and had been professed some years back. Since neither would waive their wishes, I had to wait, and consequently, I never took the black veil, or life-vows, and never saw my mother again, as when I left convent life she was not alive.
CHAPTER II.
CONVENT LIFE ENTERED UPON.
In the beginning of November, 1868, I went on a short visit to the “Benedictine convent of cloistered nuns,” at Feltham. Father Ignatius, who claims to be the father, founder, and reviver of monasticism in the Church of England, had turned an old farm-house at Feltham into a convent.
The “rule” given to the nuns by him can be procured at any Roman Catholic publishers. It is entitled “The Holy Rule of St. Benedict, translated by a Priest of Mount Melleray.” There are other translations of the rule, but this one is much more strict than any other which I have read.
After a time Father Ignatius gave us forty-nine observances to keep. These were really much stricter than the rule itself, and they were to be read every day, and the least transgression had to be written down and sent in to our Superior at the close of each week, in addition to the usual confession to a priest. The Feltham Mother never wished us to make a confession to her, though the Mother at Llanthony insisted upon everything being disclosed to her.