“Do you see it, Sister Agnes?”
I replied, “No, dear Father, I do not see anything but cobwebs and sunshine.”
I must not omit to write on a very distressing subject, and that is the ill-treatment I received from the Lady Prioress. After I had been about a week at Llanthony, she sent for me. On coming into her presence I knelt at her feet, and she gave me the hem of her dress to kiss. It should be remembered that we were not usually allowed to speak to the Superior without first prostrating our faces to the ground, and kissing the hem of her “holy habit.”[12] But I had better give the very words of the rule: “To receive the words of our Superior, humbly kneeling, with eyes fixed on the ground.” Should we break this rule, the order was “to receive any penance our Superior liked to inflict.” My Superior on this occasion said, “Sister Agnes, you often say you wish to submit to me.” I replied, “Yes, dear Mother.” On which she said, “Hold your tongue, and listen to me, for now I am going to prove you; and the first thing, before I say any more, I must ask you to take off your scapular, for you are not fit to wear it.” You, my readers, must please understand that to give up the scapular was a terrible disgrace, and it quite cut any sister off from many privileges which are highly prized, such as communion and recreation. She now imposed a severe penance upon me. I had to become a door-mat; that is, I had to lie prostrate in front of the church door, so that nuns, girls, monks, and boys should walk over me, and I was not allowed to get up until the last one had entered the church. I did not mind the nuns and girls treading upon me, but my nature did recoil from lying down for men to walk over me. They themselves hesitated a moment, and then deliberately walked over me. They were under obedience, and had they refused, would have incurred punishment. This penance was to last seven times a day for a week. The next penance she imposed was to make me lie prostrate on my face in front of my stall for a week during the night office, which lasts from 2 a.m. to 3.45 a.m. Then a third penance I had to undergo was to be deprived of my breakfast, and thus to go without food till 12.30 p.m.; and when I was permitted to eat, I remember I had to take my plate and kneel before each sister, and beg food from each in turn. Though they afforded me a generous supply, I was often too ill to partake of it. After enduring two days’ fasting in this fashion, the Novice-mistress begged that I might have a cup of tea, and a piece of bread at 9 a.m. She told me I must eat this, or I should become seriously ill. Ah! I did feel ill, quite wretched! but yet I longed to be quite good, pure, and holy, and this made me submit so willingly to these dreadful penances. Often at this and subsequent periods my life was such a burden to me, that I have begged and prayed that God would let me die. “O God, if you would only grant me death!” has been my prayer over and over again.
At that time I had not allowed myself to think of giving up convent life. Such a thought to me then would have been sacrilege, and the very greatest unfaithfulness to the Lord, to whom I believed myself espoused. These words which had been repeated in my ears, sounded loudly:
“Knowest thou not that the novitiate is a solemn espousal to our Lord Jesus Christ, and the consummation of the bridal tie with thy Lord will be expected of thee when thou shalt take the final vows?”
I could not forget that when I had been asked at the service of taking novice vows.
“What will become of you if you ever turn back, after taking up the golden plough?”
I had to make this reply: “I should then be unfit for the kingdom of God.”
Awful words were these, words which seemed like the announcement of our own eternal damnation. Father Ignatius now says, “Why did you do these penances? You were at liberty to refuse, and leave the convent.” But I would ask my readers to try and understand what that implied, what terrible mental torture (a form of torture more cruel and bitter than that imposed of old by the Inquisition) such a step involved. I am afraid no one can realize it who has not herself passed through it. It is a maddening kind of torture, because one is strained up to such a pitch, and made to think of the awful sin against God and one’s own soul by going back; when for all eternity, by a little submission here, one would hereafter become the spotless bride of the Lamb, and gain a glorious crown to lay at His feet.