After a while I wrote a note to her, as I was not allowed to speak, in which, to the best of my memory, I used the following words:
If you will only let me rest in peace until Father Ignatius comes back, I will then ask his leave to go, as I am convinced you do not wish me to stay, and will never be satisfied, no matter how submissive I am. I am convinced also that if you go on treating me with such severity, I shall in reality become a lunatic, for my mind will not continue long to bear this heavy strain.
After this note she left me alone, and did not again worry me. When Father Ignatius came home a few days before Christmas, he sent for me on Christmas Eve. I went to him and said:
“Dear Father, I am very sorry, but I cannot live with reverend Mother. I do not wish to give up serving God, or to break my vows; and if you will send me to another convent, I will gladly go, or to General Booth (Ignatius was a great admirer of the Salvation Army). I don’t mind where it is so that I am under obedience, and serving God.”
He replied: “Well, I’ll think over the matter, whether to write to Mr. Booth about you, or to write to the Abbess Bertha, and to tell her that you are a very dear child of mine, who has been with me for a great many years, but that you cannot get on with this reverend Mother, and ask her if she will take you under her charge for a time.”
He spoke most kindly to me about it. I then asked him if I might come to Holy Communion on the next day (Christmas Day), to which he replied:
“Certainly not.”
Later on he wished me a happy Christmas, though he must have known that my heart was nearly breaking with sorrow and disappointment. I asked no more questions about my leaving, as he had promised to do all he could for me, and I implicitly believed him, and was content to wait patiently, asking no questions, striving to do my duty, as a sister, to the best of my ability.
One evening, soon after this interview, he sent me a note commencing, “Jesus only.”
“You are,” he wrote, “to take your habit off to-morrow; you ought to have done so weeks ago”; and he signed it “Ignatius, of Jesus, Abbot.”