“Go where you please, it is all one to me!”
I made the circuit of the room once more, then left madame, who continued to adjust her curl papers.
XV
A WOMAN’S SERVICE
Six months had passed, during which I had sought enjoyment apart from my wife. At first that course of proceeding was the result of our quarrel on the evening when I returned from Livry; afterward, spite and self-esteem took a hand. One is never willing to take the first step, especially when one has no reason for self-reproach. And yet that mode of life was very far from being pleasant to me; it was not at all in accordance with my tastes. The idea of being obliged to seek happiness away from my Eugénie and my family, I, who still loved my wife and adored my children! But to think of Eugénie behaving in that way! I wondered if she enjoyed going nowhere with me? Every day I hoped that she would come to me in my study and throw herself into my arms; but I hoped in vain. Then I had paroxysms of anger, of vexation; I swore that I would think no more of her, and I returned home still thinking of her.
She could not say that I annoyed her in any way, that I prevented her from doing as she pleased. I was determined to deprive her of every cause of complaint. Often I had no idea where she went; but I could not believe that Eugénie would ever forget what she owed to herself, or would fail in her duty; if she did, then she would deserve my contempt and not my love. Thus it is that a person is always foolish to be jealous; for either the jealousy is unfounded, or the suspected person does not deserve that one should worry about him.
Despite this reasoning, which I indulged in when I was calm, I confess that I sometimes thought of Monsieur Dulac. That evening when he held Eugénie’s hand in his had not vanished from my thoughts. But there are so many young men who pay court to all the ladies, as a matter of habit, without anything coming of it! I believed that he was one of them. I seemed to remember that when I was a bachelor, I could not see a pretty woman without trying to make love to her. However, Monsieur Dulac came much less often to my house. I did not know whether he continued to escort Eugénie home, for I was not there.
Ernest and his little Marguerite had gone to pass the summer in the country, in a solitary region where they saw no one but each other and their children; but they were never bored together; how I envied their happiness! I avoided Bélan, for he annoyed me; one day he believed that he was betrayed, the next day he was certain of his wife’s loyalty. I could not understand how a man could remain in that condition; if I had had the one-hundredth part of his reasons for being jealous, I would long ago have found out the truth of the matter.
Nor did I enjoy meeting the Girauds; the sight of them reminded me of too many epochs of my life. Giraud never saw me without finding a way to insinuate a complimentary remark about my wedding, and the magnificence of the supper during the ball. It vexed me to hear that day mentioned; moreover, it seemed to me that there was a touch of malice, of mockery, in their manner of congratulating me on my good fortune. Perhaps I saw things in the wrong light.
In general, society afforded me little amusement. I went about to forget myself, but I enjoyed the theatre much more; there a man may do what he pleases: he may listen or think. Sometimes I took my little Henriette there; she seemed already to understand the plays, and I was so happy when I had my daughter by my side! I had also been to Livry again, to see my son; but he was not yet old enough to understand me and to answer me as his sister did.
I went occasionally to my mother’s. I had never mentioned my domestic troubles to her; what would be the use? One should keep such things to himself as much as possible. My mother would have told me that I was old enough to know how to manage my wife and my household. I did not want her to make the slightest remonstrance to her daughter-in-law. For I knew that a mother-in-law’s advice is very rarely listened to. It was much better therefore to say nothing, and that is what I did.