“Let dandies rage, let fools cry lack-a-day;
The wise man, cozened, silent goes away.”
XXII
THE LITTLE SUPPER PARTY
I arrived at her apartment. My appearance did not seem to embarrass her; she greeted me with a smile and spoke to me as usual. Could it be that I had suspected her wrongfully? But she did not observe my agitation! The secret excitement which I strove to conceal would not have escaped the eyes of love! They see everything, divine everything! And Caroline asked me no questions, although I was on fire and talked at random; although I was momentarily on the point of exploding and could hardly refrain from outward manifestations of the torments I was undergoing!—No, she did not love me.
I told her that I intended to pass the day with her. I fancied that I could detect embarrassment in her glance; but she speedily recovered herself.
“You always give me pleasure by staying with me,” she said at last, in that soft voice which had fascinated me at our meeting on the boulevard. Ah! such voices are as deceitful as the others!
In vain did I try to compose my features and assume a cheerful air; I could not manage it. I felt as if something were choking me, suffocating me. I had had that feeling so often!—I went to the window, but instantly turned away; I must not run the risk of being recognized in the evening. Oh! what a tedious day it was! I put forward the dinner hour; never, I think, was a dinner so dreary to me! Caroline complained of a headache; but I did not complain. If I could only have made love to her! I tried; but her replies seemed commonplace beyond words to me. A conversation between two people who have ceased to love each other is woefully stupid.
I suggested that we go to the theatre. She declined; her headache was growing worse, and she felt very uncomfortable.
“Perfidious creature!” I said to myself; “I understand! Why not say to me frankly: ‘I no longer love you’? I should be less angry with you if you did that. But, no, falsehood and dissimulation must needs be added to inconstancy; you must always deceive us!”
“Would you like me to stay with you?” I asked, pretending to be anxious about her health.