We also seconded the shout begun by the family, and fell merrily aboard this; and Trimalchio no less pleas'd than our selves, cryed "Cut"; at which the musick sounding again, the carver humour'd it, and cut up the meat with such antick postures, you'd have thought him a carman fighting to an organ.
Nevertheless Trimalchio in a lower note, cryed out again "Cut:" I hearing the word so often repeated, suspecting there might be some joke in it, was not ashamed to ask him that sate next above me, what it meant? And he that had been often present at the like, "You see," said he, "him that carves about, his name is cutter; and as often as he says 'Cut,' he both calls and commands."
The humour spoiled my stomach for eating; but turning to him that I might learn more, I made some pleasant discourse to him at a distance; and at last asked him what that woman was that so often scutled up and down the room.
"It is," said he, "Trimalchio's wife, her name Fortunata, she measures money by the bushel; but what was she not long since? Pardon me sir, you would not have touch'd her with a pair of tongs, but now, no one knows how, or wherefore she's got into heaven; and is Trimalchio's all in all: In short, if she says it is mid-night at mid-day, he'll believe her. He's so very wealthy, he knows not what he has; but she has an eye every where; and when you least think to meet her: She's void of all good counsel, and withal of all ill tongue; a very pye at his bolster; whom she loves she loves; and whom she does not love, she does not love.
"Then for Trimalchio, he has more lands than a crow can fly over; monies upon monies: There lies more silver in his porters lodge, than any one man's whole estate. And for his family, hey-day, hey-day, there is not (so help me Hercules) one tenth of them that know their master. In brief, there is not one of those fools about him, but he can turn him into a cabbage-stalk. Nor is there any occasion to buy any thing, he has all at his own door; wooll, marte, pepper, nay hens milk; do but beat about and you'll find it. In a word, time was, his wooll was none of the best, and therefore he bought rams at Tarentum to mend this breed; an in like manner he did by his honey, by bringing his bees from Athens. It is not long since but he sent to the Indies for mushroom-seed: Nor has he so much as a mule that did not come of a wild ass. See you all these quilts? there is not one of them whose wadding is not the finest comb'd wooll of violet or scarlet colour, dy'd in grain. O happy man! but have a care how you put a slight on those freed men, they are rich rogues: See you him that sits at the lower-end of the table, he has now the Lord knows what; and 'tis not long since he was not worth a groat, and carried billets and faggots at his back; it is said, but I know nothing of it myself, but as I have heard, either he got in with an old hog-grubbler, or had to do with an incubus, and found a treasure: For my part, I envy no man, (if God gives anything it is a bit of a blow, and wills no evil to himself ) he lately set up this proclamation:
"C. POMPEIUS DIOGENES HAS SOME LODGINGS TO LET, FOR HE HATH BOUGHT A HOUSE."
"But what think you of him who sits in the place of a late slave? how well was he once? I do not upbraid him: He was once worth a hundred thousand sesterstias, but has not now a hair of his head that is not engaged; nor, so help me Hercules, is it his own fault: There is not a better humour'd man than himself; but those rascally freed-men have cheated him of all: For know, when the pot boyls, and a man's estate declines, farewell friends. And what trade do you think he drove? He had the setting forth of grave men's funerals; and with that eat like a prince: He had his wild boars served up covered; pastry-meats, fowl-cooks, bakers: More wine was thrown under his table than most men have in their cellars; a meer phantasm: And when his estate was going, and he feared his creditors might fall upon him, he made an auction under this title:
"JULIUS PROCULUS WILL MAKE AN AUCTION OF SEVERAL GOODS HE HAS NO USE OF."
The dish was by this time taken away, and the guests grown merry with wine, began to talk of what was done abroad, when Trimalchio broke the discourse; and leaning on his elbow, "This wine," said he, "is worth drinking, and fish must swim; but do you think I am satisfied with that part of your supper you saw in the charger? Is Ulysses no better known? what then; we ought to exercise our brains as well as our chaps; and shew, that we are not only lovers of learning, but understand it: Peace rest my old tutor's bones who made me a man amongst men: No man can tell me any thing that is new to me; for, like him, I am master of the practicks.
"This heaven, that's inhabited by twelve gods, turns it self into as many figures; and now 'tis Aries: He that's born under that sign has much cattle, much wooll, and to that a jolt-head, a brazen-face, and will be certainly a cuckold: There are many scholars, advocates, and horned beasts, come into the world under this sign. We praised our nativity-caster's pleasantness, and he went on then again: The whole Heaven is Taurus, and wonder it e'er bore foot-ball-players, herds-men, and such as can shift for themselves. Under Gemini are foaled coach-horses, oxen calved, great baubles, and such as can claw both sides are born. I was born my self under Cancer, and therefore stand on many feet, as having large possessions both by sea and land. For Cancer suits one as well as the other, and therefore I put nothing upon him, that I might not press my own geniture. Under Leo, spendthrifts and bullies: under Virgo, women, runagates, and such as wear iron garters: under Libra, butchers, slipslop-makers, and men of business: under Scorpio, empoisoners and cut-throats: under Sagittary, such as are goggle-ey'd, herb-women, and bacon-stealers: under Capricorn, poor helpless rascals, to whom yet Nature intended horns to defend themselves: under Aquarius, cooks and paunch-bellies: under Pisces, caterers and orators: And so the world goes round like a mill, and is never without its mischief; that men be either born or perish. But for that tuft of herbs in the middle, and the honey-comb upon it, I do nothing without just reason for it: Our mother the earth is in the middle, made round like an egg, and has all good things in her self, like a honeycomb."