"More civilly, I beseech ye," said Echion the hundred-constable; "it is one while this way, and another while that, said the country-man when he lost his speckled hogg: What is not to day may be to morrow; and thus is life hurried about, so help me Hercules, a country is said not to be the better that it has many people in it, tho' ours at present labours under that difficulty, but it is no fault of hers: We must not be so nice, Heaven is equally distant every where; were you in another place you'd say hoggs walked here ready dress'd: And now I think on't, we shall have an excellent show these holy-days, a fencing-prize exhibited to the people; not of slaves bought for that purpose, but most of them freemen. Our patron Titus has a large soul, but a very devil in his drink, and cares not a straw which side gets the better: I think I should know him, for I belong to him; he's of a right breed both by father and mother, no mongril. They are well provided with weapons, and will fight it out to the last: the theatre will look like a butchers shambles, and he has where-withal to do it; his father left him a vast sum, and let him make ducks and drakes with it never so much, the Estate will bear it, and he always carries the reputation of it. He has his waggon horses, a woman-carter, and Glyco's steward, who was taken a-bed with his mistress; what a busle's here between cuckolds and cuckold-makers! But this Glyco a money-broker, condemned his steward to fight with beasts; and what was that but to expose himself for another? where lay the servant's crime, who perhaps was oblig'd to do what he did: She rather deserv'd to be brain'd, than the bull that tossed her; but he that cannot come at the arse, thrashes at the pack-saddle: yet how could Glyco expect Hermogine's daughter should make a good end? She'd have pared the claws of a flying kite; a snake does not bring forth a halter: Glyco might do what he would with his own; but it will be a brand on him as long as he lives; nor can any thing but Hell blot it out; however, every man's faults are his own. I perceive now what entertainment Mammea is like to give us; he'll be at twopence charges for me and my company; which if he does, he will pull Narbanus clean out of favour; for you must know, he'll live at the full height; yet in truth what good has he done us? He gave us a company of gittiful sword-players, but so old and decrepid, that had you blown on them, they'd have fallen of themselves: I have seen many a better at a funeral pile; he would not be at the charge of lamps for them; you'd have taken them for dunghil cocks fighting in the dark; one was a downright fool, and withal gouty; another crump-footed, and a third half dead, and hamstrung: There was one of them a Thracian, that made a figure, and kept up to the rule of fighting; but upon the whole matter, all of them were parted, and nothing came of this great block-headed rabble, but a downright running away: And yet, said he, I made ye a show, and I clap my hands for company; but cast up the account, I gave more than I received; one hand rubs another. You Agamemnon seem to tell me what would that trouble some fellow be at; because you that can speak, and do not, you are not of our form, and therefore ridicule what poor men say; tho', saving the repute of a scholar, we know you are but a meer fool. Where lies the matter then? let me persuade you to take a walk in the country, and see our cottage, you'll find somewhat to eat; a chicken, some eggs, or the like: The tempestuous season had like to have broke us all, yet we'll get enough to fill the belly. Your scholar, my boy Cicero, is mightily improved, and if he lives, you'll have a servant of him; he is pretty forward already, and whatever spare time he has, never off a book: He's a witty lad, well-featur'd, takes a thing without much study, tho' yet he be sickly: I killed three of his linnets the other day, and told him the weasels had eaten them; yet he found other things to play with, and has a pretty knack at painting: He has a perfect aversion to Greek, but seems better inclined to Latin; tho' the master he has now humours him in the other; nor can he be kept to one thing, but is still craving more, and will not take pains with any. There is also another of this sort, not much troubled with learning, but very diligent, and teaches more than he knows himself: He comes to our house on holidays, and whatever you give him he's contented; I therefore bought the boy some ruled books, because I will have him get a smattering in accounts and the law; it will be his own another day: He has learning enough already, but if he takes back to it again, I design him for a trade, a barber, a parson, or a lawyer, which nothing but the devil can take from him: How oft have I told him, Thou art (Sirrah) my first begotten, and believe thy father, whatever thou learnest 'tis all thy own: See there Philero the lawyer, if he had not been a scholar he might have starved; but now see what trinkums he has about his neck, and dares nose Narbanus. Letters are a treasure, and a trade never dies."
Thus, or the like, we were bandying it about when Trimalchio return'd, and having wip'd the slops from his face, wash'd his hands, and in a very little time, "Pardon me, my friends," said he, "I have been costive for several days, and my physicians were to seek about it, when a suppository of pomegranate wine, with the liquor of a pine-tree and vinegar relieved me; and now I hope my belly may be ashamed if it keep no better order; for otherwise I have such a rumbling in my guts, you'd think an ox bellowed; and therefore if any of you has a mind, he need not blush for the matter; there's not one of us born without some defect or other, and I think no torment greater than wanting the benefit of going to stool, which is the only thing even Jupiter himself cannot prevent: And do you laugh, Fortunata, you that break me so often of my sleep by nights; I never denyed any man do that in my room might pleasure himself, and physicians will not allow us to keep any thing in our bodies longer than we needs must; or if ye have any farther occasion, every thing is ready in the next room: Water, chamber-pots, close-stools, or whatever else ye may need; believe me, this being hard-bound, if it get into the head, disturbs the whole body; I have known many a man lost by it, when they have been so modest to themselves as not to tell what they ailed."
We thank'd him for his freeness, and the liberty he gave us, when yet to suppress our laughter, we set the glasses about again; nor did we yet know that in the midst of such dainties we were, as they say, to clamber another hill; for the cloth being again taken away, upon the next musick were brought in three fat hogs with collars and bells about their necks; and he that had the charge of them told us, the one was two years old, the other three, and the third full grown. I took it at first to have been a company of tumblers, and that the hogs, as the manner is, were to have shewn us some tricks in a ring, till Trimalchio breaking my expectation, "Which of them," said he, "will ye have for supper? for cocks, pheasants, and the like trifles are but country fare, but my cooks have coppers will boil a calf whole;" and therewith commanding a cook to be called for, he prevented our choice by ordering him to kill the largest, and with a loud voice, asked him, Of what rank of servants in that house he was? to which he answering, of the fortieth: "Were you bought," said the other, "or born in my house?" "Neither," said the cook, "but left you by Pansa's testament." "See then," said Trimalchio, "that you dress it as it should be, or I'll send you to the galleys." On which the cook, advertised of his power, went into the kitchin to mind his charge.
But Trimalchio turning to us with a pleasanter look, asked if the wine pleased us, "If not," said he, "I'll have it changed, and if it does, let me see it by your drinking: I thank the gods I do not buy it, but have everything that may get an appetite growing on my own grounds without the city, which no man that I know but my self has; and yet it has been taken for Tarracino and Taranto. I have a project to joyn Sicily to my lands on the continent, that when I have a mind to go into Africa, I may sail by my own coasts. But prithee Agamemnon tell me what moot-point was it you argued to day; for tho' I plead no causes my self, yet I have had a share of letters in my time; and that you may not think me sick of them now, have three libraries, the one Greek, the other two Latin; therefore as you love me tell me what was the state of the question:" "The poor and the rich are enemies," said Agamemnon: "And what is poor," answered Trimalchio? "Spoke like a gentleman," replyed Agamemnon. But making nothing of the matter, "If it be so," said Trimalchio, "where lies the dispute? And if it be not so, 'tis nothing."
While we all humm'd this and the like stuff, "I beseech ye," said he, "my dear Agamemnon, do you remember the twelve labours of Hercules, or the story of Ulysses, how a Cyclop put his thumb out of joint with a mawkin? I read such things in Homer when I was a boy; nay, saw my self the Sybil of Curna hanging in a glass bottle: And when the boys asked her, 'Sybil, what wouldst thou?' She answered, 'I would die.'"
He had not yet run to the end of the rope, when an over-grown hog was brought to the table. We all wondered at the quickness of the thing, and swore a capon could not be dress'd in the time; and that the more, because the hog seemed larger than was the boar, we had a little before: When Trimalchio looking more intent upon him, "What, what," said he, "are not his guts taken out? No, (so help me Hercules) they are not! Bring hither, bring hither this rogue of a cook." And when he stood hanging his head before us, and said, he was so much in haste he forgot it. "How, forgot it," cry'd out Trimalchio! "Do ye think he has given it no reasoning of pepper and cummin? Strip him:" When in a trice 'twas done, and himself set between two tormentors: However, we all interceded for him, as a fault that might now and then happen, and therefore beg'd his pardon; but if he ever did the like, there was no one would speak for him; tho' for my part, I think he deserved what he got: And so turning to Agamemnon's ear, "This fellow," said I, "must be a naughty knave; could any one forget to bowel a hog? I would not (so help me Hercules) have forgiven him if he had served me so with a single fish." But Trimalchio it seems, had somewhat else in his head; for falling a laughing, "You," said he, "that have so short a memory, let's see if you can do it now." On which, the cook having gotten his coat again, took up a knife, and with a feigned trembling, ripp'd up the hog's belly long and thwart, when immediately its own weight tumbled out a heap of hogs-puddings and sausages.
After this, as it had been done of it self, the family gave a shout, and cry'd out, "Health and prosperity to Caius!" The cook also was presented with wine, a silver coronet, and a drinking goblet, on a broad Corinthian plate: which Agamemnon more narrowly viewing; "I am," said Trimalchio, ''the only person that has the true Corinthian vessels."
I expected, that according to the rest of his haughtiness, he would have told us they had been brought him from Corinth: But he better: "And perhaps," said he, "you'll ask me why I am the only person that have them. And why, but the copper-smith from whom I buy them, is called Corinthus? And what is Corinthian but what is made by Corinthus? But that ye may not take me for a man of no sence, I understand well enough whence the word first came. When Troy was taken, Hannibal, a cunning fellow, but withal mischievous, made a pile of all the brazen, gold and silver statues, and burnt them together, and thence came this mixt metal; which workmen afterwards carried off; and of this mass made platters, dishes, and several other things; so that these vessels are neither this nor that metal, but made of all of them. Pardon me what I say; however others may be of another mind, I had rather have glass ware; and if it: were not so subject to breaking, I'd reckon it before gold; but now it is of no esteem.
"There was a copper-smith that made glass vessels of that pliant harness, that they were no more to be broken than gold and silver ones: It so happened, that having made a drinking-pot, with a wide mouth of that kind, but the finest glass, fit for no man, as he thought, less than Cæsar himself; he went with his present to Cæsar, and had admittance: The kind of the gift was praised, the hand of the workman commended, and the design of the giver accepted. He again, that he might turn the admiration of the beholders into astonishment, and work himself the more into the Emperor's favour, pray'd the glass out of the Emperor's hand; and having received it, threw it with such a force against the paved floor, that the most solid and firmest metal could not but have received some hurt thereby. Cæsar also was no less amazed at it, than concerned for it; but the other took up the pot from the ground, not broken but bulg'd a little; as if the substance of metal had put on the likeness of a glass; and therewith taking a hammer out of his pocket, he hammer'd it as it had been a brass kettle, and beat out the bruise: And now the fellow thought himself in Heaven, in having, as he fansied, gotten the acquaintance of Cæsar, and the admiration of all: But it fell out quite contrary: Cæsar asking him if any one knew how to make this malleable glass but himself? And he answering, there was not, the Emperor commanded his head to be struck off: 'For,' said he, 'if this art were once known, gold and silver will be of no more esteem than dirt.'
"And for silver, I more than ordinarily affect it: I have several water-pots more or less, whereon is the story how Cassandra killed her son's, and the dead boys are so well embossed, you'd think them real. I have also a drinking cup left me by an advocate of mine, where Dædalus puts Niobe into the Trojan horse, as also that other of Hermerotes; that they may stand as a testimony, there's truth in cups, and all this massy; ror will I part with what I understand of them at any rate."