All thanked their master for his kindness; and he, as having forgotten trifles, called for a copy of his will, which he read from one end to the other, the family all the while sighing and sobbing; afterwards turning to Habinas, "Tell me, my best of friends," said he, "do you go on with my monument as I directed ye, I earnestly entreat ye, that at the feet of my statue you carve me my little bitch, as also garlands and ointments, and all the battles I have been in, that by your kindness I may live when I am dead: Be sure too that it have an hundred feet as it fronts the highway, and as it looks towards the fields two hundred: I will also, that there be all sorts of fruit and vines round my ashes, and that in great abundance: For it is a gross mistake to furnish houses for the living, and take no care of those we are to abide in for ever: And therefore in the first place, I will have it engraven—
'LET NO HEIR OF MINE PRETEND TO THIS MONUMENT.'
"And that I may receive no injury after I am dead, I'll have a codicil annext to my will, whereby I'll appoint one of my freed-men the keeper of this monument, that the people make not a house-of-office of it. Make me also, I beseech you, on this my monument, ships under full sail, and my self in my robes sitting on the bench, with five gold rings on my fingers, and scattering moneys among the common people; for you know I have ordered ye a funeral feast, and two-pence a-piece in money. You shall also, if you think fit, shape me some of these beds we now sit on, and all the people making their court to me. On my right hand place my Fortunata's statue, with a dove in one hand, and leading a little dog in her girdle with the other: As also my Cicero, and large wine vessels close cork'd that the wine don't run out, and yet carve one of them as broken, and a boy weeping over it; as also a sun-dial in the middle, that whoever comes to see what's-a-clock, may read my name whether he will or no. And lastly, have a special consideration whether you think this epitaph sufficient enough:
'HERE RESTS CAIUS POMPEIUS TRIMALCHIO, PATRON OF THE LEARNED. A TROOP OF HORSE WAS DECREED HIM, WITHOUT SUING FOR, AND MIGHT HAVE BEEN A SENATOR WOULD HE HAVE ACCEPTED IT. A PIOUS MAN, HONEST, VALIANT, AND TRUE TO HIS FRIEND. HE RAISED HIMSELF FROM LITTLE OR NOTHING, BUT LEFT BEHIND HIM A PRODIGIOUS ESTATE, YET NEVER HEARD A PHILOSOPHER. FAREWELL TO YOU ALSO.'"
This said, Trimalchio wept plentifully, Fortunata wept, Habinas wept, and the whole family set up a cry as it had been his funeral; nay, I also whin'd for company: when, quoth Trimalchio, "Since you know we must die, why don't we live while we may? so let me live my self to see you happy; as, if we plunge our selves in the bath we shall not repent it: At my peril be it; I'll lead the way, for this room is grown as hot as an oven." "Say you so," quoth Habinas, "nor am I afraid to make two days of one"; and therewith got up barefoot and follow'd Trimalchio.
I on the other hand turning to Ascyltos, asked him what he thought of it, for "if I but see the bath I shall swoon away."
"Let's lagg behind then," said he, "and whilst they are getting in, we'll slip off in the crowd."
The contrivance pleased us; and so Gito leading the way through the portico, we came to the last gate, where a chained dog bolted upon us so furiously, that Ascyltos fell into the fishpond. I, who had been frighted at the painted dog, and now gotten as drunk as Ascyltos, while I endeavoured to get hold of him, fell in my self; at last the porter's coming in saved us, for he quieted the dog and drew us out; but Gito, like a sharp rascal, delivered himself, for whatever had been given him at supper to carry home with him, he threw it the dog, and that mollified him.
But, when shivering with cold, we desired the porter to let us out: "You're mistaken," said he, "if ye think to go out the same way ye came in, for no guest ere yet did; they came in at one gate and are let out by another."
In this sad pickle, what should we do? we found ourselves in a new kind of labyrinth, and for bathing, we'd enough of it already: However, necessity enforcing us, we pray'd him to show us the way to the bath: and Gito having hung out our cloaths a drying in the porch, we entred the bath, which was somewhat narrow, and sunk in the earth, not unlike a rainwater cistern; in this stood Trimalchio stark-naked: Nor could we avoid his filthy tricks; for he said, nothing was better than to bathe in a crowd; and that every place had in times past been a grinding-house. Being weary at length, he sate down, and provok'd by the noisiness of the bath, set up his drunken throat, and fell a murdering some songs of Menecrates, as they that understood him told us.