‘What Pilate really said—’ began Squiff, when Fatty who had sunk into a sort of reverie, suddenly awoke and thumped on the table vigorously. ‘The valuable time of the Treasurer is being frittered away,’ he remarked solemnly. ‘The case of the O’Rossa is under consideration. He has explained his need for twenty pounds; the only remaining formality is the pledging of his word. When he has done that I will hand over the cheque.’ Squiff, who had been speaking to von Graussman, hurriedly pledged his word and left to catch the 12.10 to town, while von Graussman proceeded to pour into Fatty’s ears a long and disconnected tale in which the words, ‘Boliceman,’ ‘damnable,’ ‘fraulein,’ and ‘gompensations,’ appeared frequently, so Fatty gathered that it had some reference to an escapade in town during the week before term. However, as von Graussman was prepared to swear to the urgency of the circumstances, he saw no reason why he should not advance the amount, but discovered to his horror that there were only fifteen pounds left. He explained this to the German, who replied that ‘he could sew der matters up mit so much,’ and went off with the Club’s last money. Fatty, who saw in this a speedy ending to the worries of a Treasurership, contentedly entered the amounts in his book, and then took a cab to his History Lecture at James’.
It was only when Freddy casually applied for two pounds to pay Foundry deceased—on account—that he discovered that the end of the money did not imply the end of his troubles.
‘You lent twenty pounds to Squiff,’ screamed Freddy; ‘why, you know he’s overdrawn his next month’s allowance and pawned his dressing case.’
‘I didn’t know,’ replied Fatty placidly, ‘besides, it seems to me that those are the very circumstances in which the Club becomes useful and even necessary.’
‘Yes, but,’ retorted Freddy, ‘he won’t be able to pay it back for weeks, and I know I shall want to borrow next week.’
‘Come early and leave early,’ remarked the Treasurer irritatingly. ‘If you’d come at half-past ten when the office opens you might have got something. As it is you must wait till some one pays in.’
‘Anyhow,’ remarked Freddy, ‘by rule six you must call a meeting and announce that all funds are exhausted, and I don’t envy you the job, as I know Martha was coming round to borrow in the morning, and Reggie is sure to be hard up as well.’
The meeting fulfilled the expectation of Freddy; it was stormy on the part of Reggie and myself, placid on Fatty’s, and calmly indifferent on the part of the original borrowers. Freddy demanded a further subscription which Squiff and von Graussman opposed. Eventually we arranged a compromise by which everybody was to pay in three pounds within three days, and the meeting broke up. For the next few days events progressed quietly until another meeting was suddenly summoned to report that Reggie and I having borrowed a tenner each, and Fatty himself—by permission—the remaining four pounds, funds were again exhausted, and as the time for repayment had not nearly expired we were once more at a standstill. Eventually a motion was passed by six to two, Squiff and von Graussman dissenting, that the time for repayment of the original loans should expire on the following Saturday. This caused great perturbation among the borrowers, but by the help of an overdraft at the bank von Graussman scraped up the money, and Accrington paid in his five pounds without any difficulty. The real blow to our Club fell upon us on the Sunday when the third meeting within three weeks was called to announce the absence of funds: this positively staggered us, but we had not counted on Squiff’s presence of mind. On the day before, which was fixed for paying in, he had given Fatty his cheque for twenty pounds, and had immediately afterwards drawn out the available twenty pounds—paid in by von Graussman and Accrington—on the plea of Urgent Necessity, which we discovered to be the paying of the overdraft which he knew he must have at his bank, but as the overdraft turned out to his great surprise to be some forty pounds, of course they would not cash his last cheque, and the funds of the Club shrank to a worthless cheque for twenty pounds: this last manœuvre gave Squiff, as Freddy foolishly pointed out to him, another six weeks in which to pay off his debt to the Club, and a proposal to make all loans repayable in three days was lost by one vote. The numbers were equal, all who had borrowed voting against, and all who were free of debt, for the proposal. However, as Fatty had the casting vote, and owed the Club four pounds, the motion was lost. Our attempts to find a method of putting the Society on its legs again failed, and we agreed that we must bury it in the depths of forgetfulness.
As a gallant attempt to find a solution to a most pressing question it was very praiseworthy, but as a working institution it was a regular fiasco. Fatty explained his subsequent failure in Divvers as the result of having to settle up the somewhat confused accounts of the defunct Club; myself, I attribute it to the fact that he defined Lydia—the purple seller of Thyatira—as ‘a province in Asia Minor.’