My dear mother always says, and allows no contradiction about it, that this whale, being all bones and blubber, had no right whatever to come ashore there, and to set me against my father's trade. She declares that all science is full of smells, a thousand times worse than we make; and that all their fuss about drains is just, that they may get themselves cleaned up, for nothing. All the people before her, in generation, lived to be ninety, without any drain upon them; except her own parents, and why did they die? Why, because there was a drain carried through their garden; and the smell came in, and choked them!
In support of this view, there is much to be said; and according to my own experience, ten people are killed, by the making and opening of drains, for one who can hope in his lungs, that he breathes better air when near them. Nature has designed the human race, to stand well apart on the face of the earth, and not huddle up in hillocks, as the emmets do; and their certainty of fighting, when they get too thick, shows this, without further argument. And another thing that proves it, is the fact, that when they clot together, they make drains; which destroy everybody who is fond of them. My father was as well as any man could be, till what they call "sanitary engineering" broke his constitution; and the lively smells, that our works had scattered, were bottled into deadly poison.
As yet, I was too young to understand such matters, or even to give a thought to them; but the standing I took upon that whale, and the pleasure with which I went into him, did a great deal for me, in the good opinion (than which there could be no better one) of the kind Professor Megalow. Roly would not come anigh our operations, after one experiment, and a short one; but I, with my quickness and lightness of tread, was of some little service, I do believe, in the cause of harmless science. I learned all the names of the Professor's tools, and could bring them to him, without wanting any ladder; and any little cut, that could be made without much strength, I could make under his direction, while he was at the bigger work. He did not attempt to get all the skeleton, greatly as he longed to do so; for this was no whale to be found every day, but one who had no business here; and his name was something like chocolate. The Professor sighed heavily; as his bones grew more, and more, attractive, and hung over us, like a great arbour drooped with a fine lot of creepers; but he knew, long since, what it is to depend, for money, upon the Government. Lucky would he be, to get the head, and fins, and tail, and some odds and ends, if a dozen rival claimants would let him have so much.
"That whale is mine," said Lady Twentifold; "he chose to land on my property, and I give him to Professor Megalow; not to the Government, that won't pay a penny, but to the Professor, to put in his own garden."
"That whale belongs to me," said the local receiver of the droits of the Admiralty; "the foreshore is vested in the Crown, and the Admiralty represents the Crown."
"Clearly, there can be no question," said the man, who represented the Trinity House, "that the whale is ours; and we mean to have him."
Then there came a lawyer, employed by the crew of the boat who had first harpooned him; and another retained by the men who stuck him last; and another by a captain who had espied him go down; and another by a fisherman who headed him ashore; and one by the Coast-guard, who had seen him stranded first; and two by a man who had foretold the weather, and kept his ropes ready, though he never had to use them. But, in spite of all these claims, the men who got him, or at least got all the best of him, were the men who made no claim at all; but came down, with carts and casks, and helped themselves.
For my part, I thought it not only unjust, but stupid, that I should work so hard, and establish a right, as the Professor said, to a very considerable share of blubber, and my father not get a pailful! I wrote to him, beginning with a line of Latin—not so much to accredit my learning, as to make him pay proper attention,—and after that, I said that here there was any quantity of stuff, such as he could never get, for love or money, (unadulterated), and it was to be had, for the asking; or rather for taking, without asking. I told him, how it shone in the sun, and held together, and took different colours as you looked at it; and I was sure that he would make his fortune; because he could get it for nothing, and make it mix up into everything. And I was certain of stirring him up, and getting five shillings, by return of post, when I added—"Everybody says that Mr. Barlow, of Happystowe candle-works, will make a thousand pounds, out of this poor whale, that is being cut up by me, and Professor Megalow."
My mother was kind enough to answer; but without any sort of reference to business. My father took no more notice of my letter, than if I had sent him a bark of Grip's, instead of a pill-box, filled with sample from my own knife, at a place where the blubber was more than fourteen inches thick. And this goes some way to prove, that his mind was already on the rise above the smaller details, and getting into larger views of lofty subjects, such as chemical researches, political œconomy, and even Government contracts. And it turned out afterwards, as you will see, that he was right in attending to these wholesale sizes.
Dear mother sent me half a crown in stamps, for fear of my changing the half-sovereign, and related a beautiful dream she had enjoyed, about me, and Professor Megalow, standing on the whale, with our wings spread out. "She knew, from all the pictures, what a whale was like, and hoped (for the sake of my new overcoat) I kept out of the way, when he spouted. And, if I could bring a piece of genuine bone, for the sake of her stays, it would be such a comfort, for everything now was adulterated; and their want of spring ran into her. And then, she added, that she did not think I had better write a line to Polly Windsor (though she sent me a message from Polly, to say that I ought to have done it long ago), because it was not so well to go too far, and create expectations, which might come to nothing. Her own opinion was, that after my last fly, and the high society it led to, there was no telling what might be before me, in the family way, and otherwise. But above all, she begged me, for her dear sake, not to trust to the grand dinners I got here, and their turtle and their venison, and their Aspic jelly, but to keep the tongue of the buckle of my lead-belt in the third hole from the end; for, if the wind took me, out over the sea, what could Lady Twentifold, and the whale, and even the great Professor do?"