“I knew a young girl, of whose respect and love for me I was convinced. Through my esteem and honor for my wife, I was enabled to perform the conjugal duties, and begat four boys. The boyish appearance of my wife was of effectual assistance. I called her my ‘Raphael.’ I forced into my fancy images of boys, in order to induce erection. If my fancy ceased for a moment, the erection failed. I was unable to sleep with my wife. Within the last few years coitus has become constantly more difficult to attain, and for two years we have given up all attempts. My wife knows my mental condition, and her esteem and love for me may become estranged.
“My sexual inclination for my own sex is unchanged, and, unfortunately, too often forces me to become untrue to my wife. To this day, the sight of a youth of sixteen puts me into violent sexual excitement with painful erections, so that occasionally I am compelled to help myself with manustupration of him and onanism on myself.
“The sufferings I endure are indescribable. Faute de mieux, I have my wife practice manustupration on me; but what my wife’s hand accomplishes with great effort in half an hour is produced by the hand of a boy in a few seconds. Thus I live, miserable, a slave of the law and of my duty to my wife! I never had pleasure in active or passive pederasty. If I ever practiced or suffered it, it was only from gratitude or desire to please.”
The physician to whom I owe the preceding autobiography assures me that he, up to this time, has had sexual intercourse with at least six hundred urnings. There were, indeed, many among them who to-day occupy high and respected positions. Only about ten per cent. of them came later to love women. Another portion did not avoid women, but were more inclined to their own sex; the remainder were exclusively and lastingly urnings.
This physician asserted that among the six hundred he never found abnormal formation of the genitals; but there were, however, frequent approaches to the female form, as well as incomplete growth of hair, delicate complexion, and higher voice. Development of the mammæ was not infrequent. He asserted that from his thirteenth to his fifteenth year he had milk in his mammæ, which his friend H. sucked out. Only about ten per cent. of this number showed inclination for female occupations, etc. All his acquaintances were affected with a sexual desire that was abnormally powerful, and made its appearance abnormally early. The vast majority felt themselves as the man in their relations with the other, and satisfied themselves by mutual onanism, or by manustupration on the person of the lover, or by masturbation at his hands. The majority were inclined to active pederasty; but very frequently the law and æsthetic feeling were reasons for the non-performance of the act. Those feeling themselves toward the others as women were few, and the inclination to passive pederasty was very infrequent.
In the beginning of 1887, this physician was arrested for having commuted acts of indecency on the persons of two boys under fourteen years. The crime consisted in his having first rubbed mentulam propriam inter femora viri until ejaculatio, and the same procedure cum mentula propria inter femora pueri. At the examination it was recognized that an abnormal instinct was in play, though, at the same time, it was shown that the culprit was not mentally unsound, and not deprived of free will; at least, he had not acted in obedience to an uncontrollable impulse. Therefore, he was sentenced to prison for one year, the mildest possible punishment.
Case 113. Mr. X., Hungarian, merchant, consulted me on account of neurasthenia and sleeplessness, which had existed for years. The investigation of the cause of his trouble led the patient to confess that he had an abnormal sexual instinct for his own sex, that he was very passionate, and that his nervous trouble might well come from that. The following, taken from the history of this intelligent patient, possesses scientific interest:—
“My abnormal sexual instinct reaches back to my childhood. When three years old, I got hold of a journal of fashions. The beautiful pictures of the men I kissed until the paper was torn to tatters, but I paid no attention to the female figures. I did not like to play with boys. I preferred to play with girls, because they always had dolls. I especially liked to cut out dolls’ clothes; and to-day, in spite of my thirty-three years, dolls still possess an interest for me. When a boy, for hours I would lurk about available places, in order to get a sight of male genitals. When I succeeded, a strange, dizzy feeling came over me. Weak, unattractive men or boys made no impression on me. At thirteen I began to masturbate. From my thirteenth till my fifteenth year, I slept with a handsome young man. That was happiness. Hours at a time at night, with erections, I would wait for his return. If in bed he chanced to touch my genitals, it gave me delight. At fourteen I had a school-mate whose instincts were like my own. For hours at a time, during school-hours, we held each other’s genitals. Ah, those were happy hours! As often as I could, I lingered in bath-houses. That was always a feast for me. The sight of male genitals induced violent erections. At sixteen I came to the metropolis. Seeing so many handsome men charmed me. In my eighteenth year I attempted coitus with a prostitute, but disgust and fear made it impossible. Other attempts were failures, until my nineteenth year, when I tried again with success; but the act afforded me no pleasure, rather inducing a feeling of disgust. I conquered myself, and was proud of my success at being a man, which I had gradually begun to doubt.
“Subsequent attempts were no longer successful. The disgust was too great. When the woman was undressing, it became necessary, on account of my feeling of repugnance, to put out the light. I now considered myself impotent, consulted physicians, and visited baths and sanitariums to cure my supposed impotence; for I still did not know what to think of it. I took pleasure in the society of ladies, perhaps out of conceit; for I impressed most ladies as being sympathetic and amiable; but I valued in them nothing more than mental and æsthetic qualities. I liked to dance with them; but if one pressed against me in dancing, I experienced a feeling of repugnance, and even disgust, and felt like striking her. If in joke I happened to dance with a gentleman, I always took the part of the lady. I would press and rub against him, and take a perfect delight in it. When I was eighteen, a gentleman who came into the office, said, ‘That is a fine youth; in the East he would bring a pound sterling every time!’ I puzzled my head over that. Another gentleman liked to joke with me, and steal kisses of me as he was going away, which I would have given him only too gladly. He afterward became my lover. These circumstances excited my attention, and I waited for an opportunity.
“When I was twenty-five years old, it happened that a man who was formerly a Capucine monk became attracted to me. For me he was like a Mephistopheles. Finally he spoke to me. To this day I can almost feel the beating of my heart that he caused me; I almost fainted. He made a rendezvous for that evening at a public house. I went, but at the threshold I turned back, afraid. On the next evening he met me again. He overcame my scruples, and took me to his room. I was scarcely able to walk for excitement. My seducer made me sit on his sofa, and, smiling at me, he fixed his wonderful black eyes on me, and I lost consciousness. This delight, this ideal, divine sense of pleasure that filled my whole being,—I could write too much about it. I think only an innocent youth, over head and ears in love, who for the first time has his love’s longing fulfilled, could be as happy as I was that night. My seducer demanded my life, in joke; but I at first thought him in earnest. I begged him to let me be happy for a time, and then, united to him, I would end my life. It would have been entirely in accordance with the high-flown ideas I entertained at that time. For five years after that, I kept up a relation with the man, who is still so dear to me. Oh, how happy, and yet, often, how unhappy, I was during those years! If I but saw him speak to a handsome young man, I became wildly jealous.