“However, I come to this vile, feverish imagery and the performance of these acts, only when it has not been possible for me for a long time to satisfy myself by onanism in the immediate vicinity of a young man.
“This is for me more natural, because I then have more pleasure, and experience a more perfect physical and mental benefit, even though my ideal of actual and direct satisfaction in mutual understanding were never to be accorded me.
“I almost believe that the above-mentioned disgusting imagery is only the evil result of constant want of normal satisfaction,—i.e., of my normal satisfaction as an urning; and that with a regular satisfaction, body to body, the imagery that becomes almost insane would be less intense, and certainly would not go to such extravagance. Or it is the ultimate result of an attempt at abstinence; for these idiotic, sensual images only come after a long period of it.
“I believe, indeed, that, under other social conditions, I should be capable of great and noble love and self-sacrifice. My thoughts are in no way exclusively carnal or diseased. How often, at the sight of a handsome young man, a deep feeling of impatience seizes me, and I breathe at once the sweet words of Heine:—
“‘Du bist wie eine Blume, so hold, so schön, so rein,’ etc.[[115]]
“And once, when I was compelled to part with a young man who had honored and valued me as his friend and protector, though my love had remained unknown to him, those fine verses by Scheffel kept passing through my mind, especially the last,—mutatis mutandis:—
“‘Grau wie der Himmel, steht vor mir die Welt,
Doch wend’ es sich zum Guten oder Bösen,
Du, lieber Freund, in Treuen denk’ ich Dein!
Behüt Dich Gott! es wär’ zu schön gewesen,