“My sexual instinct awakened when I was thirteen, and from the moment of its appearance was directed toward youthful, strong men. At first I was not really certain that this was abnormal, but consciousness of it came when I saw and heard how my companions were characterized sexually. I began to masturbate at the age of thirteen. At seventeen I left home and went to the Gymnasium of a large Capital, where I was put to board with a married professor of the Gymnasium, with whose son I afterward had sexual relations. It was with him that I first had sexual satisfaction. Thereafter I made the acquaintance of a young artist, who very soon noticed that I was abnormal, and confessed to me that he was in the same condition. I learned from him that this abnormality was very frequent; and this knowledge overcame the trouble that I had had in supposing that I was alone in my abnormality. This young man had an extensive acquaintance with persons in like condition, to which he introduced me. There I became the object of general attention, for on all sides I was declared to be very attractive physically. I soon became insanely loved by an old gentleman; but, not finding him to my taste, I endured him but a short time, and then gave ear to a young and handsome officer who lay at my feet. He was really my first love.
“After passing my final examination, at the age of nineteen, free from the discipline of school, I made the acquaintance of a great number of people like myself, and among them Karl Ulrichs (Numa Numantinus).
“When, later, I took up the study of medicine, and associated with many normal youths, I was often in a position where I was compelled to visit public prostitutes. After having consorted to no purpose with various prostitutes, some of whom were very beautiful, the opinion was spread among my acquaintances that I was impotent, and I strengthened this by telling of previous sexual excesses. At that time I had numerous external relations with persons who prized my physical peculiarities, which were considered very beautiful. The result of this was, that I was exciting somebody all the time; and I received such a mass of love-letters that I was often in embarrassment. The acme of this was reached later, when, as a physician, I lived in the hospital. There I moved about like a celebrated person, and the scenes of jealousy that took place, on my account, almost led to the discovery of the whole thing. Shortly after this, I fell ill with an inflammation of my shoulder-joint, from which I recovered after three months. During this illness I received subcutaneous injections of morphine several times daily, which were suddenly discontinued, and which I practiced thereafter secretly after my recovery. For the purpose of special study, I spent some months in Vienna, before entering into private practice, and there, by means of some recommendations, I gained entrance to various circles of people like myself. I there learned that the abnormality in question, in its various forms, is spread through the lower classes as well as the higher, and that those who are approachable for money are not infrequently met among the higher classes.
“When I established myself in the country, I hoped to cure myself of the morphine habit by means of cocaine; and then I became a victim of cocaine, which, only after three relapses, I was able to rid myself of (about two years ago). In my position, it was impossible for me to find sexual satisfaction, and I noticed with pleasure that the use of cocaine had overcome my desire. When, on the first occasion, at the urgent request of my aunt, I had emancipated myself from cocaine, I traveled for a few weeks, in order to improve my health, the perverse impulses were again awakened in their old strength, and, one evening, while out in the fields by the city amusing myself with a man, I noticed that I had been detected by the authorities and advertised; but that the act of which I was accused was not punishable, in accordance with the opinion expressed by the highest court of the German kingdom. I had, therefore, to be careful; for already the announcement of the crime had been heralded on all sides. I saw that, after this, I would be compelled to leave Germany, and find a new home where neither the law nor public opinion would be opposed to that impulse, which, like all abnormal instincts, could not be overcome by the will. Since I was never deceived for a moment about the matter, in recognizing my impulses as opposed to social usages, I repeatedly attempted to become master of them; but by these efforts they were increased in power. This same observation has been communicated to me by acquaintances. Since I was exclusively drawn toward strong, youthful, and masculine individuals, and they were very seldom inclined to yield to my wishes, I was compelled to buy them. Since my desire was limited to persons of the lower classes, I was always able to find such as were purchasable with money. I hope that the following statements will not awaken your repugnance. At first I intended to omit them; but, for the completeness of this communication, I may include them, since they serve to enrich the clinical material. I am compelled to perform the sexual act in the following way:—
“Pene juvenis in os recepto, ita ut commovendo ore meo effecerim, ut is quem cupio, semen ejaculaverit, sperma in perinæum exspuo, femora comprimi jubeo et penem meum ad versus et intra femora compressa immitto. Dum hæc fiunt, necesse est, ut juvenis me, quantum potest, amplectatur. Quæ prius me fecisse narravi, eandem mihi afferunt voluptatem, acsi ipse ejaculo. Ejaculationem pene in anum immittendo vel manu terendo assequi, mihi nequaquam amœnum est.
“Sed inveni, qui penem meum receperint atque ea facientes, quæ supra exposui, effecerint, ut libidines meæ plane sint saturatæ.
“Concerning my person, I must still mention the following: I am 186 centimetres tall, of masculine appearance, and, with the exception of abnormal irritability of the skin, healthy. My hair and beard are black and thick. My genitals are of medium size and normally formed. I am able, without any trace of fatigue, to perform the sexual act from four to six times in twenty-four hours. My life is very regular. I use alcohol and tobacco very sparingly. I play the piano quite well, and some of my unpretentious compositions have been much applauded. I have lately finished a novel, which, as my first work, has been very favorably criticised by my friends. The story has several problems taken from the life of urnings in the subject-matter.
“Among the large number of fellow-sufferers that are personally known to me, I have naturally been in a position to make observations concerning the condition and the degrees of abnormality; and, perhaps, the following communications may be of service to you:—
“The most abnormal thing that I am acquainted with, was the impulse of a gentleman who lived in Berlin. He preferred, above all others, young fellows with unwashed feet, which he would lick passionately. A gentleman in Leipzig was similar to him; who, where it was possible, would linguam in anum immittere, preferring the parts to be uncleaned. Several have assured me that the sight of riding-boots or of parts of military uniforms, induced such excitement in them that ejaculation resulted. A man in Paris compelled a friend ut in os ei mingat.
“With reference to the degree in which many feel themselves as women, which is with me not the case, two persons in Vienna are examples. They bore feminine names. One is a barber who calls himself ‘French Laura’; the other was formerly a butcher, who calls himself ‘Selcher-Fanny.’ Both of them never missed an opportunity, during the carnival time, to show themselves in very fantastic feminine masks. In Hamburg there is a person that many people believe to be a woman, because he always goes about the house in feminine attire, and only occasionally leaves the house, and always in such clothing. This man wished to stand as godmother at a christening, and, as a result of it, gave rise to great scandal.