“2. My person: As for my physical peculiarities, I am of robust figure, without being of especially handsome form; eyes, gray; hair, blonde; hair and beard correspond with my sex and years. The mammæ and genitals are normally developed. My gait is firm and almost heavy; my bearing, careless. It is remarkable that the breadth of the pelvis is exactly equal to that of the shoulders.
“I am naturally well endowed mentally. In one of my certificates my talents are, in fact, called ‘excellent.’ Without any particular desire to excel in them, I passed my examinations with distinction. I have an interest in everything that concerns the well-being of humanity, and in science, art, and industry. With my energy it is comparatively easy to postpone for a time the satisfaction of my desires, which will be described hereafter. Intentionally and consciously, I curse the morality of to-day, which forces those who are abnormal sexually to break laws that are voluntarily established, and regards sexual congress of two persons of the same sex as a matter depending on the choice of the individual, and a matter in which law-makers have a right to interfere. From my studies I have found the most earnest incentives to construct, on the basis of the Darwinian theory, after Carneri’s method, a system of morals, which, to be sure, does not harmonize with the prevailing system, but which seeks to elevate and improve mankind in accordance with natural law.
“I think that there are not many marks of hereditary taint in me. There is a certain hyper-sensitiveness. A very intense dream-life is perhaps important. In general, it is occupied with indifferent matters, and never has so-called sensual images as a subject; at most, in this direction, it is concerned only with female attire and putting it on, which for me is a lustful thought. At the same time, until my sixteenth year, it often went to the extent of somnambulism, or, very frequently, as is still often the case, to loud talking in sleep.
“3. My inclinations: The above-mentioned abnormal proclivity is the fundamental factor in my sexual feeling. When I am dressed like a woman, I feel perfectly satisfied. A peculiar feeling of peace and comfort comes over me, which allows me to work mentally with greater ease. My libido for indulgence in sexual intercourse is extremely slight. Too, I have much love and taste for female handiwork, and, without assistance, I learned to crochet and embroider, and I like to do these things in secret. I also like other female employments, like sewing, etc.; so that at home, where I keep my proclivity perfectly concealed, and guard against indulging it by involuntary activity, I have often won the praise of being as good as a servant-girl; which did not make me ashamed, but, on the contrary, filled me with secret pride. I can make nothing out of dancing with women; I liked to dance only with my school-fellows, for which the manner of our instruction in dancing gave opportunity. But in this it gave me pleasure only when I could dance as a lady. A multitude of other desires and dreams, which seem to have something typical about them, I pass over, because they seem exactly similar to those described in ‘Psychopathia Sexualis.’ .... In other respects my inclinations are not different from those of my sex. I smoke and drink moderately, love delicacies, and have no pleasure in physical exercises.
“4. Development: After this brief description of my personality, I may pass on to an analysis of the developmental history of my abnormality. As soon as I was able, to some extent, to think independently, and I understood the difference between the sexes, it was my secret and fixed desire to be a girl. In fact, I believed I was one. But when in the bath I saw the same genitals on other boys, the impossibility of my thought became apparent. I reduced my wish, and hoped that I was at least an hermaphrodite. And, owing to the fact that I had a certain shyness about looking closely at pictures or descriptions of the genitals, this hope was entertained, notwithstanding the fact that I had abundant opportunity to read writings on the subject, until my studies compelled me to make a closer acquaintance with the matter. During this time I read everything I could get about hermaphroditism, and longed to be in the place of the female who, as the newspapers often reported, had been raised as a male and been restored to her sex by accident. The recognition of my masculinity made an end of this dreaming, and did not fill me with any especial delight. I tried to destroy my sexual glands by gradual pressure, but pain soon caused me to desist. My longing is still for the external characteristics of the female sex,—for a pretty coiffure, a rounded breast, a slim waist.
“At the age of twelve I first had an opportunity to put on female attire; and I soon came to drape myself, by means of bed-clothes, bed-linen, etc., with female petticoats. When I grew older, it was my greatest delight to put on my sister’s dresses secretly, even if it could be but for a few moments, and with constant danger of detection. Later, much to my delight, I had an opportunity to play a female rôle in a love-scene; and it is said that I was not at all bad in the part. When I began to lead an independent life as a student, I immediately obtained female dresses and linen, which I kept in order myself. When at night, safe from discovery, I can put on one article after another, from corset to apron and bracelet, I am perfectly satisfied, and devote myself to some quiet employment, inwardly happy and full of delight in doing it. While dressing, an erection usually occurs, but it is never followed by an ejaculation, and soon disappears. I also try to approximate the female appearance in externals, by arranging my hair appropriately and removing the beard, which I should have preferred to tear out.
“5. Sexual inclinations: In passing to the description of my sexual proclivities, I desire, first, to note, in general, that puberty occurred normally, as I judge from the pollutions that occurred, the change of voice, etc. Pollutions still occur regularly once every three weeks, seldom more frequently. With them I never experience any lustful feeling. I have never practiced onanism; until lately I knew nothing more of it than its name, and I had to seek direct information about it, in order to understand it. Any touch on the erect penis is disturbing and painful to me, and without lustful feeling.
“Previously I behaved very shyly toward women, but I now act quietly, and associate with them as with my kind. Direct excitation, in a sexual sense, by a woman, sometimes occurred; but when I try to analyze this, it seems to me that it was never her person, but rather her attire alone, that was effectual. I fell in love with her dress, and the thought of wearing one like it was heavenly. Thus sexual excitation never took place, not even in brothels where I was led by friends, in spite of the sight of the greatest voluptuousness and beauty. But friendly feelings for the female sex were in my heart. I imagined how, dressed as a woman and unrecognized, I could stay with them, associate with them, and take pleasure with them. I prefer the impression made on me by girls whose breasts have not yet fully developed, particularly those wearing the hair short; for such girls are more nearly like me and my aspect. Once I was so fortunate as to find a girl who felt unhappy in her sex. We formed a firm bond of friendship with one another, and we often took delight in the idea of exchanging places. Perhaps it is not inappropriate or unimportant for the characterization, to record the following: Some months ago, when the story was running through the newspapers of an Hungarian countess who, dressed as a man, had married, and felt like a man, in all earnestness, I thought of offering myself to her, in order to contract an inverted marriage,—she as husband, I as wife.... I have never attempted coitus, and have never felt any desire for it. But since I foresaw that the erection necessary with a woman would be wanting, I thought of putting on some of her clothing; and I think that then the expected result would occur.
“As for my behavior toward male persons, first of all, it is to be emphasized that I had the warmest friendships during my school-days. My heart was full of happiness, if I could do some small service for the object of my devotion. I really worshiped him passionately. But, on the slightest occasion, I evinced terrible jealousy; and while my anger lasted I felt as if I could neither live nor die. When reconciliation occurred, for a short time I was the happiest of creatures. I also tried to make friends of boys, whom I bribed with sweetmeats, and whom I should gladly have kissed. Though my love always remained platonic, yet it is abnormal. An expression that I unconsciously made at that time about an elder friend, whom I worshiped, shows that. I said I loved him so that I should have liked to marry him. And even now, when I indulge but little in intercourse, I am easily taken with a handsome man with a fine beard and refined features. Yet I have never met a being feeling like myself, whom I could confide in, and with whom I could live as a female friend. I never attempted to exercise my inclinations directly, and never committed any foolish act of this kind. Finally I ceased to visit museums where nude male figures were displayed; for the erections, which were sure to occur, were exceedingly annoying. I had often secretly wished to sleep with a man, and often found opportunity. I was asked by a rather unattractive elderly man to sleep with him. Cum eo concubui, ille genitalia mea tetigit; and though his person was unattractive to me, I was filled with an intense feeling of lust. I felt as if completely surrendered to him; in a word, I felt like a woman.
“If I may be permitted to add a concluding word to what I have already said, I wish to state expressely that, though I am conscious of the abnormality of my inclinations, I have no desire to change them; I long only for a time when, more easily and with less danger of discovery, I can give rein to my desires and experience a delight that will harm no one.”