“Postscript: I feared that in the foregoing I had not described my sexual life with sufficient exactness. It consists only in onanism; but in it I abandon myself to almost all the repugnant acts that are comprehended under coitus inter femora, ejaculatio in ore, etc.
“My rôle is passive. When I am seized by a passion, the ideas change, and become entirely a desire to be impregnated. The struggle against such a passion is so terrible, because my mind is also implicated. I long for the closest, the most complete union that can be conceived as existing between two men,—always together, common interests, unlimited confidence, sexual union. I think that natural love is different from this only in its degree of warmth; it does not reach the boiling-point of our passion. Just now I am fighting the battle over again; with force I stifle the insane passion that has so long enthralled me. All night long I walk about, followed by the image of him I love; for love of whom I would give up all I possess. How sad it is that the noblest feeling given to man—friendship—is sullied by common sensual feeling!
“I wish once more to state that I cannot come to the determination to transform my sexual life by means of sexual intercourse with the opposite sex. The thought of such intercourse fills me with repugnance and disgust.”
Case 122. “I write, as well as I can, the history of my suffering, actuated only by the desire, by this autobiography, to clear up to some extent the misunderstanding and errors concerning ‘contrary sexual instinct’ which are still so widely prevalent.
“I am thirty-seven years old, and come of healthy parents, both of whom were very nervous. I only mention this, because I have often had the thought that my contrary sexual instinct came by way of inheritance; but this is nothing more than vague. Of my grandparents, whom I did not know, the only remarkable thing I can mention is, that my maternal grandfather was known as a great Don Juan.
“I was rather a weak child, and during my first two years suffered severely with fits, as a result of which my understanding and memory may have suffered; for I learn but slowly things which do not particularly interest me, and easily forget them. I may also mention that, during the time before I was born, my mother was subject to violent mental excitement, and was often frightened. From my third year I have been perfectly well, and have escaped severe illness. Only when a boy, from the age of twelve to sixteen, I had peculiar, indescribable nervous sensations, which made themselves felt in my head and finger-tips, and in which it seemed to me as if my whole being were about to cease. For many years, however, these attacks have ceased to occur. I am rather a powerful man, with abundant growth of hair, and in all respects masculine.
“Even when a boy of six years, I came independently to masturbate, and, until my nineteenth year, I practiced the vice quite persistently; and even now, faute de mieux, I quite frequently resort to it, notwithstanding the fact that I understand the vileness of the passion, and always feel somewhat weakened after it. But sexual intercourse with a man does not affect me in the least; on the contrary, it gives me a feeling of being strengthened. I began school at the age of seven, and soon experienced an intense feeling of sympathy for my companions, which, however, made no other impression on me. In the Gymnasium, at the age of fourteen, my companions explained to me the sexual life of man, which, up to that time, was absolutely unknown to me; but I was not much interested in the matter. At this time I also practiced mutual onanism with two or three friends who had seduced me into it; and it had an extraordinary charm for me. I was still perfectly unconscious of the perversity of my sexual instinct, and considered my vices as sins of youth, like those committed by all boys of the same age. Interest in the female sex I thought would come in time. Thus I became nineteen years old. During the following years I fell insanely in love three times,—once with a very handsome actor, then with a bank employé, and with one of my friends, the last two being men who were nothing less than beautiful, and calculated to excite sensual feeling. But this love was merely platonic, and occasionally found expression in glowing poetry. It was, perhaps, the most perfect period of my life; for I regarded everything with pure, innocent eyes. In my twenty-first year
I gradually began to notice that I was not constituted exactly like my comrades; for I found no pleasure in masculine pursuits. I had but little liking for smoking, drinking, and card-playing, and I was frightened to death by a brothel. I have never been in one; I was always able to avoid visiting one on some pretext or other. But I now began to think about myself; I often felt terribly lonesome, miserable, and unhappy, and longed for a friend constituted like myself, without, however, ever thinking that there could be other men like me. At twenty-two I made the acquaintance of a young man who finally explained to me contrary sexual instinct and the individuals affected with it. He, being also an urning, was in love with me. It was as if scales had fallen from my eyes; and I bless the day this explanation came to me. From that time I saw the world with different eyes; I saw that many others were given the same fate; and I began to learn to content myself with this lot as well as I could. Unfortunately, I did not succeed very well, and I am still often seized with bitterness and a deep hatred of the modern ideas which treat us poor urnings with such terrible harshness. For what is our fate? In most cases we are not understood, and are derided and despised; and even when all goes well, and we are understood, we are still pitied like invalids or the insane,—and pity was always sickening to me. I now began to play a part, in order to deceive my fellow-men as to my state of mind; and it always gave me great satisfaction to succeed in this. I made the acquaintance of several men like myself, with whom I established relations, which, however, never lasted long; for I was very fearful and cautious; but, at the same time, I was very particular and easily wearied.
“I have always absolutely despised pederasty as something unworthy a man, and I only wish that all those like me would do the same; but, unfortunately, with many this is not the case. If all like me thought as I do, then the contempt and scoffing of men that feel differently would be a still greater injustice to us than it now is.
“Toward the man I love I feel completely like a woman, and, therefore, in the sexual act I am quite passive. In general, my whole sensibility and feeling are feminine. I am vain, coquettish, fond of ornament, and like to please others. I love to dress myself beautifully, and, in cases where I wish to please, I even make use of the arts of the toilet, in which I am quite skilled.