“In brief, my abnormality consists of this, that in sexual relations I feel myself to be completely feminine. Since my earliest youth, in my sexual acts and fancies, I have always had before my eyes only images of masculine beings and masculine genitals.
“Until I went to the University, I found nothing in this (I had never spoken with others about my fancies, but rather, while at the Gymnasium, lived a silent and retired life).
“While at the University, it struck me that female persons made not the slightest impression on me. Since then, in houses of prostitution, etc., I have attempted coitus, or only to obtain an erection, with women, but always in vain.
“Erection ceased immediately, as soon as I was in a room alone with a woman. At first I considered it impotence, though, at the same time, I was so excited sexually that I had to masturbate several times during the day in order to sleep.
“Quite different, however, has been the development of my feelings toward the masculine sex, and it has grown stronger every year. At first they expressed themselves in extraordinary, enthusiastic friendship for certain persons, under whose windows at night I would wait for hours; whom in all possible ways I would try to meet on the streets, and with whom I sought to come in contact. I wrote such persons the most passionate letters, in which, however, I was shy in expressing my feelings too plainly. Later, after my twentieth year, I came to understand the essential nature of my inclinations, particularly from the sensual pleasure I experienced as soon as I came in direct contact with any of these friends. These persons were all finely built men, with dark hair and eyes. I have never had my feelings excited by boys. Real pederasty is absolutely incomprehensible to me. About this time (twenty-second to twenty-third year) the circle of my beloved friends grew more and more extensive. Now I can scarcely see a handsome man on the street without having the wish to possess him excited in me. The fact is, I especially love persons of the lower classes, whose powerful forms attract me,—soldiers, policemen, car-drivers, etc.,—i.e., all that wear uniforms. If one of these returns my look, I feel a kind of thrill go through my whole body. I am especially excitable in the evening, and merely the heavy tread of a soldier is alone sufficient to induce the most powerful erections. I take a very peculiar pleasure in following such persons and looking at them. As soon as I learn that they are married, or that they consort with girls, my excitement very frequently ceases.
“A few months ago I became able to control my inclinations to such an extent that they were not directly noticeable. About this time I followed a soldier who seemed likely to acquiesce in my desire, and spoke to him. For money he was ready for anything. At once I was filled with a most violent longing to embrace and kiss him, and the danger of being noticed did not deter me from doing it. He had scarcely grasped my genitals when ejaculation followed. With this meeting, I had finally attained the long-desired goal of my life. I knew that my whole nature would find its happiness and satisfaction in it, and from this time I gave myself up entirely to the effort to find a person whom I could love, and from whom I should never part. For my acts I do not experience the slightest twinge of conscience.
“To be sure, in quiet moments, I very well appreciate the difference between my way of thinking and the way of the world; as a lawyer, too, I naturally recognize the dangers of a relation of the kind I desire; but, as long as my entire nature does not change, I shall not be able to give up the opportunities offered me. Nevertheless, I should be willing to undergo any cure to be freed from my abnormal condition.
“I recognize my feminine feeling, among other things, in the fact that any sensual idea in connection with a woman must be forced, and seems unnatural to me. I am also sure that my respect for a woman—I move much in the society of ladies, and enjoy it—would change immediately to repugnance, were I to notice any sensual inclination in her toward me. In my dreams and sensual fancies of men, I always think of myself in such positions with them that their faces are always toward mine. My greatest delight would be to have a powerful man, undressed, take me in his arms with a force I could not resist. In such situations I always think of myself in a passive rôle, and have to force my feelings, in order to think of myself in any other position. In this, I am truly feminine. Great as my desire may be to approach certain persons, my struggle is as great not to allow this to be noticed. Moustaches, abundance of hair, and even dirt, seem to be especially enticing. It is hardly necessary to say that, to me, my condition, with reference to society, is absolutely desperate; and, if I had not the hope of finding a being that would understand me, life would be scarcely endurable. I feel that sexual commerce with a man is the only means of successfully combating my impulse to onanism. Though this has a very bad effect on me, I cannot keep myself from it constantly, because, as I have often found, I will be even more weakened by pollutions at night and persistent erections during the day.
“Up to this time I have truly loved but two men. Both were officers, remarkably endowed mentally, handsomely and gracefully formed, and of dark skin and eyes. I became acquainted with the first at the University. I was madly in love with him, and suffered unspeakably on account of his indifference. I spent nights under his window, simply to be near him. When he was officially transferred, I was in despair.
“Soon after, I became acquainted with an officer that resembled him, who likewise enchained me at first sight. I sought every opportunity to meet him, spent the day in the streets, and at places where I hoped to get a sight of him. I knew how the blood came into my face when, unsuspected, I saw him. When I saw him friendly with others, I could scarcely contain myself for jealousy. When I sat near him, I was impelled to touch him. I could scarcely conceal my excitement when I touched his knee or thigh. I never ventured, however, to express my feelings to him; for, from his conduct, I was convinced that he would not understand them or share them.