“There an event occurred which brought a change in me. One evening I accompanied a friend home, and in a mild state of intoxication I grasped him ad genitalia. He made but slight opposition. I then went up to his room with him, and we practiced mutual masturbation. From that time we indulged in it quite frequently; in fact, it came to immissio penis in os, with resultant ejaculations. But it is strange that I was not at all in love with this person, but passionately in love with another friend, near whom I never felt the slightest sexual excitement, and whom I never connected with sexual matters, even in thought. My visits to brothels, where I was gladly received, became more infrequent; in my friend I found a substitute, and did not desire sexual intercourse with women.
“We never practiced pederasty, and that word was not even known between us. From the beginning of this relation with my friend, I again masturbated more frequently, and naturally the thought of females receded more and more into the background, and I thought more and more about young, handsome, strong men with the largest genitals. I preferred young fellows, from sixteen to twenty-five years old, without beards, but they had to be handsome and clean. Young laborers dressed in trousers of Manchester cloth or English leather, particularly masons, especially excited me.
“Persons in my own position had hardly any effect on me; but, at the sight of one of those strapping fellows of the lower class, I experienced marked sexual excitement. It seems to me that the touch of such trousers, the opening of them, and the grasping of the penis, as well as kissing the fellow, would be the greatest delight. My sensibility to female charms is somewhat dulled; yet in sexual intercourse with a woman, particularly when she has well-developed mammæ, I am always potent without the help of imagination. I have never attempted to make use of a young laborer, or the like, for the satisfaction of my evil desires, and never shall; but I often feel the longing to do it. I often impress on myself the mental image of such a man, and then masturbate at home.
“I am absolutely devoid of taste for female work. I rather like to move in female society, but dancing is repugnant to me. I have a lively interest in the fine arts. That my sexual sense is partly reversed is, I believe, in part due to greater convenience, which keeps me from entering into a relation with a girl; as the latter is a matter of too much trouble. To be constantly visiting houses of prostitution is, for æsthetic reasons, repugnant to me; and thus I am always returning to solitary onanism, which is very difficult for me to avoid.
“Hundreds of times I have said to myself that, in order to have a normal sexual sense, it would be necessary for me, first of all, to overcome my irresistible passion for onanism,—a practice so repugnant to my æsthetic feeling. Again and again I have resolved with all my might to fight this passion; but I am still unsuccessful. When I felt the sexual impulse gaining strength, instead of seeking satisfaction in the natural manner, I preferred to masturbate, because I felt that I would thus have more enjoyment.
“And yet experience has taught me that I am always potent with girls, and that, too, without trouble and without the help of imagining masculine genitals. In one case, however, I did not attain ejaculation because the woman—it was in a brothel—was devoid of every charm. I cannot avoid the thought and severe self-accusation that, to a certain extent, my contrary sexuality is the result of excessive onanism; and this especially depresses me, because I am compelled to acknowledge that I scarcely feel strong enough to overcome this vice by the force of my own will.
“As a result of my relations with my fellow-student and school-mate for years, mentioned in this communication,—which, however, began while we were at the University, and after we had been friends for seven years,—the impulse to unnatural satisfaction of libido has grown much stronger. I trust you will permit the description of an incident which occupied me for months:—
“In the summer of 1882, I made the acquaintance of a companion six years younger than myself, who, with several others, had been introduced to me and my acquaintances. I very soon felt a deep interest in this handsome man, who was unusually well proportioned, slim, and full of health. After a few weeks of association, this feeling became friendship, and at last passionate love, with feelings of the most intense jealousy. I very soon noticed that, in this, sexual excitation was also very marked; and, notwithstanding my determination, aside from all others, to keep myself in check in relation to this man, whom I respected so highly for his superior character, one night, after free indulgence in beer, as we were enjoying a bottle of champagne in my room and drinking to good, true, and lasting friendship, I yielded to the irresistible impulse to embrace him, etc.
“When I saw him, next day, I was so ashamed that I could not look him in the face. I felt the deepest regret for my action, and accused myself bitterly for having thus sullied this friendship, which was to be and remain so pure and precious. In order to prove to him that I had lost control of myself only momentarily, at the end of the semester I urged him to make an excursion with me; and after some reluctance, the reason of which was only too clear to me, he consented. Several nights we slept in the same room without any attempt on my part to repeat my action. I wished to talk with him about the event of that night, but I could not bring myself to it; even when, during the next semester, we were separated, I could not induce myself to write to him on the subject; and when I visited him, in March, at X., it was the same. And yet I felt a great desire to clear up this dark point by an open statement. In October of the same year, I was again in X., and this time found courage to speak without reserve; indeed, I asked him why he had not resisted me. He answered that, in part, it was because he wished to please me, and, in part, owing to the fact that he was somewhat apathetic as a result of being a little intoxicated. I explained to him my condition, and also gave him “Psychopathia Sexualis” to read, expressing the hope that by the force of my own will I should become fully and lastingly master of my unnatural impulse. Since this confession, the relation between this friend and me has been the most delightful and happy possible; there are the most friendly feelings on both sides, which are heart-felt and true; and it is to be hoped that they will endure.
“If I should not improve my abnormal condition, I am determined to put myself under your treatment; the more because, after a careful study of your work, I cannot count myself as belonging to the category of so-called urnings; and, too, because I have the firm conviction, or hope, at least, that a strong will, assisted and combined with skillful treatment, could transform me into a man of normal feeling.”