The following case is a classical example of this variety of lasting acquired contrary sexual instinct:—
Case 98. Sch., aged 30, physician, one day told me the story of his life and malady, asking explanation, and advice concerning certain anomalies of his vita sexualis. The following description gives, for the most part verbatim, the details of the autobiography; only in some portions is it shortened:—
“My parents were healthy. As a child I was sickly; but with good care I thrived, and got on well in school. When eleven years old, I was taught to masturbate by my playmates, and gave myself up to it passionately. Until I was fifteen, I learned easily. On account of frequent pollutions, I became less capable, did not get on easily in school, and was uncertain and embarrassed when called on by the teacher. Frightened by my loss of capability, and recognizing that the loss of semen was responsible for it, I gave up masturbation; but the pollutions became even more frequent, so that I often had two or three in a night. In despair, I now consulted one physician after another. None were able to help me.
“Since I grew weaker and weaker, by reason of the loss of semen, with the impulse to sexual satisfaction growing more and more powerful, I sought houses of prostitution. But I was there unable to find satisfaction; for, even though the sight of a naked female pleased me, neither orgasm nor erection occurred; and even manustupration by the puella was not capable of inducing erection. Scarcely would I leave the house, when the impulse would seize me again, and I would have violent erections. I grew ashamed before the girls, and ceased to visit such houses. Thus a couple of years passed. My sexual life consisted of pollutions. My inclination toward the opposite sex grew less and less. At nineteen I went to the University. The theatre had more attractions for me. I wished to become an actor. My parents were not willing. At the Capital I was compelled now and then to visit girls with my comrades. I feared such a situation; because I knew that coitus was impossible for me, and because my friends might discover my impotence. Therefore, I avoided, as far as possible, the danger of becoming the butt of jokes and ridicule.
“One evening, in the opera-house, an old gentleman sat near me. He courted me. I laughed heartily at the foolish old man, and entered into his joke. Exinapinato genitalia mea prehendit, quo facto statim penis meus se erexit. Frightened, I demanded of him what he meant. He said that he was in love with me. Having heard of hermaphrodites in the clinics, I thought I had one before me, and became curious to see his genitals. The old man was very willing, and went with me to the water-closet. Sicuti penem maximum ejus erectum adspexi, perterritus effugi.
“This man followed me, and made strange proposals which I did not understand, and repelled. He did not give me any rest. I learned the secrets of male love for males, and felt that my sexuality was excited by it. But I resisted the shameful passion (as I then regarded it), and, for the next three years, I remained free from it. During this time I repeatedly attempted coitus with girls in vain. My attempts to free myself of my impotence by means of medical treatment were also vain. Once, when my libido sexualis was troubling me again, I recalled what the old man had told me: that male-loving men were accustomed to meet on the E. Promenade.
“After a hard struggle, and with beating heart, I went there, made the acquaintance of a blonde man, and allowed myself to be seduced. The first step was taken. This kind of sexual love was satisfactory to me. I always preferred to be in the arms of a strong man. The satisfaction consisted of mutual manustupration; occasionally in osculum ad penem alterius. I was then twenty-three years old. Sitting, together with my comrades, on the beds of patients in the clinic during the lectures, excited me so intensely that I could scarcely listen to the lectures. In the same year I entered into a formal love-relation with a merchant of thirty-four. We lived as man and wife. X. played the man, and fell more and more in love. I gave up to him, but now and then I had to play the man. After a time I grew tired of him, became unfaithful, and he became jealous. There were terrible scenes, which led to temporary separation, and finally to actual rupture. (The merchant afterward became insane, and died by suicide.)
“I made many acquaintances, and loved the most ordinary people. I preferred those having a full beard, and who were tall and of middle age, and able to play the active rôle well. I developed a proctitis. The professor thought it was the result of sitting too much while preparing for examinations. I developed a fistula, and had to undergo an operation; but this did not cure me of my desire to allow myself to be used passively. I became a physician, and went to a provincial city, where I had to live like a nun. I developed a desire to move in ladies’ society, and was gladly welcomed there; because it was found that I was not so one-sided as most men, and was interested in toilettes and such feminine things. However, I felt very unhappy and lonesome. Fortunately, in this town, I made the acquaintance of a man, a ‘sister,’ who felt like me. For some time I was taken care of by him. When he had to leave, I had an attack of despair, with depression, which was accompanied by thoughts of suicide.
“When it became impossible for me to longer endure the town, I became a military surgeon in the Capital. There I began to live again, and often made two or three acquaintances in one day. I had never loved boys or young people; only fully-developed men. The thought of falling into the hands of the police was frightful. Thus I have escaped the clutches of the blackmailer. At the same time, I could not keep myself from the satisfaction of my impulse. After some months I fell in love with an official of forty. I remained true to him for a year, and we lived like a pair of lovers. I was the wife, and was formally courted by the lover. One day I was transferred to a small town. We were in despair. The last night was spent in continually kissing and caressing one another.
“In T. I was unspeakably unhappy, in spite of some ‘sisters’ whom I found. I could not forget my lover. In order to satisfy my sexual desire, which cried for satisfaction, I chose soldiers. Money obtained men; but they remained cold, and I had no enjoyment with them. I was successful in being re-transferred to the Capital. There, there was a new love-relation, but much jealousy; because my lover liked to go into the society of ‘sisters,’ and was proud and coquettish. There was a rupture. I was very unhappy and very glad to be transferred from the Capital. I now stayed in C., alone and in despair. Two infantry privates were brought into service, but with the same unsatisfactory result. When shall I ever find true love again?