You say that you cannot understand why every one must marry. You say to oppose that "must" with "will"; as for me I should certainly say it in so far as others are concerned, but never in opposition to Father; especially now, that I know what heavy grief oppresses him. Whatever I shall have to do will not be looked upon as compulsory because of a "must" but as something which I freely take upon myself for his sake.
I write, paint and do everything because Father takes pleasure in it. I shall work hard and try my best to do something good so that he may be proud of me. You may call me foolish, morbid, but I cannot help it. I should be miserable if Father should set himself against my plan of freedom, but I should be still more miserable if my dearest wishes should be fulfilled and at the same time, I should lose Father's love.
But I shall never lose that; I will not believe it possible, though I could break his heart. From any one he could endure disappointment better than from me. Because perhaps he loves me a little more than the others, and I love him so dearly.
[1] To Mejuffrouw Zeehandelaar.
[2] Government countries under the direct administration of the Dutch-Indian Government.
[3] Henri Borel, novelist and journalist born in 1869. Also noted as an authority on Chinese art and literature. The author of "Kwan Yin," "De Laatste Incarnatie," "Het Jongetje," etc.
[4] An "aspirant" is the lowest in rank among the Dutch officials in Java.
XI
August, 1900.[1]