For Yardley: A Story of Track and Field

by Ralph Henry Barbour

Of course it is out of the question to reproduce that number of The Scholiant here, but some of its features deserve mention. At first glance The Scholiant was The Scholiast, and nothing else; lots of fellows refused to believe that it was not the regular issue of the school paper until, at noon, the grinning carriers appeared with the latter. And it was almost dinner-time when some smart youth made the discovery that an N was doing duty for an S in the title. The first article was an account of a baseball victory for Yardley over the Greenburg Female Academy, a private day school for girls. This production was Tom’s, and he had had a lot of fun in writing it, since it gave him excellent opportunities to score hits on Alf and Dan and others of the baseball team.

“Two weeks ago to-morrow,” said the account, “Yardley won its first baseball victory of the season. Greenburg Female Academy was our opponent, and a hard-fought and closely contested game was the result. Not until the ninth inning had been played was the outcome apparent. Then, rallying nobly about its captain, our team refused to be denied. The final score was 37 to 29, eleven runs being tallied in the last inning when, with admirable presence of mind, our Coach released six field mice from a cigar box. During the subsequent confusion our team scored at will. We understand that the game has been protested by the Academy, on what score is not apparent to The Scholiant.”

Then followed a column and a half giving the game by innings. One inning will do as a sample: “In the eighth, Matilda Moore opened for the visitors with a long hit halfway to the pitcher’s box. She was clearly out, pitcher to first baseman, but as the entire visiting team gathered about the umpire and called him ‘a mean old thing,’ he reversed his first decision. Jessie Jones, who followed at bat, insisted on standing on the plate and was hit by the first ball pitched. After recovering from hysterics she was given her base. Matilda walked over to third and would have been out had she not threatened to stick a hat-pin in our third baseman if he touched her with the ball. Condit, being a gentleman of discretion, promptly dropped the ball and couldn’t find it until the runner was safe on the bag. Mary Ann Arbor struck out, but was given her base by the umpire when she claimed that Reid had pitched the ball so swiftly that she had been unable to see it.

“With the bases filled, Daisy Doolittle sent up a foul, which was captured by Hammel. She was called out, but the runners came home and refused to go back to their bases when instructed to do so by the umpire. They said they were too tired to walk so far. Gwendolyne Gwynne made eyes at the pitcher and walked to first, scoring a moment later, when Alice Smith struck at the first ball, a wild pitch, and ran to first. Gwendolyne neglected to make a circuit of the bases, explaining that she didn’t like the second baseman and wasn’t going near him. Sarah Feathers struck out. Four runs.

“For Yardley, Captain Durfee went to bat first in the last of the eight. He made a clean hit past shortstop and reached second, but was called out for having jostled Matilda Moore at first. After Matilda had stopped crying, the game went on. Condit couldn’t reach the ball, although he got a lot of exercise going after it, and the umpire gave him his base. Loring hit to deep center, advancing Condit to third and taking second. Vinton, naturally of a shy disposition, was so deeply embarrassed that he was struck out easily. Daisy Doolittle dropped the ball on the ground while she fixed her hair, and Condit and Loring scored. Wheelock made a safe hit to right, but got talking to the catcher and forgot to take his base. The umpire finally called him out for delaying the game. Two runs.”

Gerald had followed this with an article on “The Track and Field Outlook,” in which he managed to have some mild fun with the candidates. (Gerald’s copy had had to be pretty thoroughly edited, for English composition was not one of the boy’s strong points.) Dan’s first-page contribution made a great hit with its readers. It was headed “Broadwood Academy To Be Sold.”

“Broadwood Academy,” declared The Scholiant, gravely, “is announced to be sold under the hammer to the highest bidder, next Tuesday afternoon, at two o’clock. The sale will take place on the steps of the Court House, at Greenburg. Broadwood Academy was started a few years ago as a preparatory school for boys, but failed signally of its purpose, and for the past two years has been conducted as a Sanitarium for Weak-Minded Youths. The property consists of a small parcel of pasture land situated on a hillside about two or three miles from Greenburg, four or five tumble-down buildings, several keepers, and a handful of patients. We shall be sorry to see Broadwood Academy go, for it has been considered one of the unnatural curiosities of the neighborhood, and picnickers have always found the campus a comfortable place on which to lunch. A rumor has been current to the effect that Yardley Hall proposed buying the property and moving it to a corner of the Athletic Field. The Scholiant, however, is able to state authoritatively that the project has been abandoned.

“Professor Collins, when interviewed on the subject, said: ‘Yes, there was some talk of purchasing the property and bringing it here to Yardley, placing it, possibly, on the Athletic Field between the Boat House and the Tennis Courts. But the plan would be impracticable, since the buildings are too old to stand the journey.’ The property will probably be bought in by W. J. Arthur, the popular Wissining grocer, who contemplates using it as a poultry farm.”

Alf had two editorials, each done in Joe Chambers’s most flamboyant style. The first announced a change of editorial policy as follows: “A New Scholiant. Journalism in America has entered upon a New Era! Conservatism is dead! The Watchword of To-day is Houpla! It is no longer sufficient merely to print the News. The Public, the Great American Reading Public, demands Sensation. Hitherto and heretofore The Scholiant has followed the Old Methods of Journalism. It has published the News truthfully and deliberately. It has been Sedate, Dignified, and Courteous. But the Times compel a Change. The Scholiant is a Servant of the Public. The Scholiant bows to the Inevitable. We are done with Conservatism. Hereafter The Scholiant will be at once Up-to-Date, Sensational, Untruthful, and Interesting. It will be Saucy and Spiteful. Above all it will be Yellow. Ever in the van among the Journals of the Old School, from now on The Scholiant will be in the fore with the Journals of the New. Beginning with its next issue The Scholiant will be printed on yellow paper. It will be copiously illustrated. It will have Special Departments dealing with Burglary, Homicide, and Kindred Subjects. Always Fearless, it will hereafter be Reckless, Rampageous, and Reprehensible. Its Editorials, which have been copied all over the Civilized World, will continue to be written by the same Gifted and Eloquent Pen, but will be Brighter, Breezier, and Better than ever. The Old Scholiant is dead. The New Scholiant salutes you!”

A second editorial advocated the abolishing of the Faculty and the substitution of a Student Government body. It was the sheerest nonsense, but it served its purpose, which was to poke fun at Chambers’s tempest-in-a-teapot eloquence.