Mutual Respect
Mutual respect is also a necessary quality in human relations. Respect for oneself and for others is not as common as one might expect. We find self-concern and some concern for others, but not respect. Respect for others is hard to maintain if one does not respect oneself, and it is appalling to realize what low estimates many people have of themselves. Although they may disguise from themselves and others their despair about themselves in many ingenious ways, lack of self-respect nevertheless is characteristic of many people’s self-image. Their view of themselves results largely from their experiences in relationship, many of which we have already discussed. We may try to prevent the development of negative attitudes and feelings toward ourselves and our children, but no matter how loving we try to be, we shall inevitably cause some injury, distortion, and deprivation to the maturing person.
What, then, is the answer to this human problem? If the effect95 of growing up is to produce in us misgivings about ourselves and others, how can we acquire the self-respect and respect for others which is necessary for those who would truly serve God and man? Since mutual respect is a necessary condition for creative human relations, it is necessary that the vicious circle of non-respect be broken by someone. It is at this point that our participation in the re-creating life of God in Christ, which is made possible by the presence and work of His Spirit in us, makes a decisive difference in our self-estimate.
The Incarnation is the affirmation of God’s faith in His creation. Christ is an expression of God’s faith in man and what He is able to do through man. The principle of mutuality, which we have been affirming in our present discussion, is true not only for the relation between man and man, but between man and God as well. For the love of God in Christ affirms our value as persons in His desire to work through the people who will respond to His love, and shows His respect for what they can do. God’s love and respect for men was expressed through the person of Jesus and continues to be expressed through persons in each generation. His people, the servants of His Spirit, are the ones who will break the vicious circle of mutual non-respect, and give the gift of mutual respect.
We can respect ourselves, therefore, because God shows His respect for us by loving and working through us. When we have a great task to do that calls for the courage and heroism of love, we can take a chance and set ourselves to the task because our faith in God makes it possible to have faith in ourselves and in those whom we would love. When we let our misgivings deter us so that we turn away from the challenges of love, we not only repudiate ourselves, but also turn our backs on God’s affirming judgment of us.
Mutual respect has some identifiable characteristics. First, we must respect one another as autonomous, deciding persons. We cannot make our children and others do what we may think they ought to do. We can only meet them with whatever resources96 we have, and out of respect for their own power of decision and action leave them free to make their response. Then, when they have made it, we must respect it even though they may not be doing what we want them to do or doing it in the way we think best. Our decisions and way of life will not work for others.
We must also respect one another’s dependence. But respect for others’ dependence should not increase it; that is, we should try to meet their need, but not exploit it. Some years ago I was invited to lead a clergy conference on the subject of pastoral counseling. During the opening dinner before the beginning of the sessions, I sat next to a minister who tried to impress me with how much he knew about pastoral counseling. Among other things, he said, “You know, it’s a wonderful thing to stand up before my congregation on Sunday morning and be able to count the increasing number of people who depend upon me for my pastoral care.” The temptation to exploit human need is insidious, and we have all succumbed to it many times and in many ways. That pastor might better have rejoiced in those of his congregation who, in spite of their dependence and need, were able to use his help in their own independent way and thus grow stronger and more resourceful. Likewise, we may minister to the needs of our children and accept their dependence in ways that demonstrate our respect for them and our expectation that they will become more responsible.
Mutual respect also calls for respect of others who must answer for their own lives. While it is true that we are dependent upon God and His love for us, our response as individuals is a necessary complement to what He has done. The source of our life and of our redemption is in God, but we have to respond, and our responsible action makes complete what God has done for us. Therefore, we respect ourselves as having within ourselves the power of answer for our own lives. Mutual respect for one another as responsible beings increases our self-respect, and, conversely, our growing self-respect increases the respect we have for others.97
Mutual Trust
Mutual trust is a third necessary quality in human life. As we saw earlier, nothing can happen in any relationship where there is not trust, and yet, lack of trust is everywhere prevalent. The great question is: How can we trust when we have such strong feelings of mistrust not only of persons, but also of the process of life? I have often had these misgivings as a teacher when, beginning with new students, I wondered how we could go through the crises of learning again. Where would I find the strength and courage for the challenges? Would they respond to their opportunities and resources? Parents have the same questions when they think of their children and wonder if, after all the years of care, they will turn out all right. Sometimes we become overwhelmed at the sheer weight and endlessness of our responsibilities, and in those moments we become profoundly discouraged. The need of love is desperate, and we feel wholly unequal to meeting that need. How wonderful it would be if we could have more confidence in ourselves and in others, and likewise in the processes of life to which we must commit ourselves. The answer to this longing is in the old, but ever new, affirmation that those who have faith in God can have faith in man and in the relationships of life.