Tit. 6. Cases and Directions for intimate, special Friends.
Quest. I. Is it lawful to have an earnest desire to be loved by others? especially by some one person above all other?
Answ. There is a desire of others' love which is lawful, and there is a desire which is unlawful.
I. It is lawful, 1. When we desire it as it is their duty, which God himself obligeth them to perform, and so is part of their integrity, and is their own good, and pleaseth God. So parents must desire their children to love them, and one another, because it is their duty, and else they are unnatural and bad. And husband and wife may desire that each other discharge that duty of love which God requireth, and so may all others. 2. It is lawful also to desire for our own sakes to be loved by others; so be it it be, 1. With a calm and sober desire, which is not eager, peremptory, or importunate, nor overvalueth the love of man. 2. According to the proportion of our own worth; not desiring to be thought greater, wiser, or better than indeed we are, nor to be loved erroneously by an overvaluing love. 3. When we desire it for the benefits to which it tendeth, more than to be valued and loved for ourselves: as, 1. That we may receive that edification and good from a friend which love disposeth them to communicate. 2. That we may do that good to our friends, which love disposeth them to receive. 3. That we may honour and please God, who delighteth in the true love and concord of his children.
II. But the unlawful desire of others' love to us, is much more common, and is a sin of a deeper malignity than is commonly observed. This desire of love is sinful, when it is contrary to that before described; as, 1. When we desire it over-eagerly. 2. When we desire it selfishly and proudly, to be set up in the good opinion of others; and not to make a benefit of it to ourselves or them; but our own honour is more desired in it, than the honour of God. 3. When we desire to be thought greater, wiser, or better than we are, and to be loved with such an overvaluing love; and have no desire that the bounds of truth and usefulness should restrain and limit that love to us which we affect. 4. When it is an erroneous, fanciful, carnal, or lustful esteem of some one person, which maketh us desire his love more than others. As because he is higher, richer, fairer, &c.
This eager desire to be overloved by others, hath in it all these aggravations. 1. It is the very sin of pride, which God hath declared so great a detestation of. For pride is an overvaluing ourselves, for greatness, wisdom, or goodness, and a desire to be so overvalued of others. And he that would be overloved, would be overvalued.
2. It is self-idolizing: when we would be loved as better than we are, we rob God of that love which men should render to him, who can never be overloved, and we would fain seem a kind of petty deities to the world, and draw men's eyes and hearts unto ourselves. When we should be jealous of God's interest and honour, lest we or any creature should have his due, this proud disposition maketh people set up themselves in the estimation of others, and they scarce care how good or wise they are esteemed, nor how much they are lifted up in the hearts of others.
3. It is an injurious insnaring the minds of others, and tempting them to erroneous opinions of us, and affections to us; which will be their sin, and may bring them into many inconveniences. It is an ordinary thing to do greater hurt to a friend whom we value, by insnaring him in an inordinate love, than ever we did or can do to an enemy by hating him.
Quest. II. Is it lawful, meet, or desirable to entertain that extraordinary affection to any one, which is called special friendship; or to have an endeared, intimate friend, whom we love far above all others?
Answ. Intimate, special friendship is a thing that hath been so much pleaded for by all sorts of men, and so much of the felicity of man's life hath been placed in it, that it beseemeth not me to speak against it. But yet I think it meet to tell you with what cautions and limits it must be received, and how far it is good, and how far sinful (for there are perils here to be avoided, which neither Cicero, nor his Scipio and Lælius, were acquainted with).