15. He must be one that is like to live with you or near you, that you may have the frequent benefit of his converse, counsel, example, and other acts of friendship.
16. He must be one that is not very covetous, or a lover of riches or preferment; for such a one will no longer be true to you, than his mammon will allow him.
17. He must be one that is not peevish, passionate, and impatient; but that can both bear with your infirmities, and also bear much from others for your sake, in the exercise of his friendship.
18. He must be one that hath so good an esteem of your person, and so true and strong a love to you, as will suffice to move him, and hold him to all this.
19. He must be yet of a public spirit, and a lover of good works, that he may put you on to well-doing, and not countenance you in an idle self-pleasing and unprofitable life. And he ought to be one that is skilful in the business of your calling, that he may be fit to censure your work, and amend it, and direct you in it, and confer about it; and it is best for you if he be one that excelleth you herein, that he may add something to you (but then you will not be such to him, and so the friendship will be unequal.)
20. Lastly, There must be some suitableness in age and sex. The young want experience to make them meet for the bosom friendship of the aged (though yet they may take delight in instructing them, and doing them good). And the young are hardly reconcilable to all the gravity of the aged. And it must not be a person of a different sex, unless in case of marriage. Not but that they may be helpful to each other as christians, and in a state of distant friendship; but this bosom intimacy they are utterly unfit for, because of unsuitableness, temptation, and scandal.
Directions for the Right Use of Special Bosom Friendship.
Direct. I. Engage not yourself to any one as a bosom friend, without great evidence and proof of his fitness in all the foregoing qualifications. By which you may see that this is not an ordinary way of duty or benefit, but a very unusual case. For it is a hard thing to meet with one among many thousands, that hath all these qualifications; and when that is done, if you have not all the same qualifications to him, you will be unmeet for his friendship, whatever he be for yours. And where in an age will there be two that are suited in all those respects? Therefore our ordinary way of duty is, to love all according to their various worth, and to make the best use we can of every one's grace and gifts, and of those most that are nearest us; but without the partiality of such extraordinary affection to any one above all the rest. For young persons usually make their choice rashly, of one that afterwards proveth utterly unmeet for the office of such a friend, or at least, no better than many other persons; nay, ten to one, but after-experience will acquaint them with many that are much wiser, and better, and fitter for their love. And hasty affections are guilty of blind partiality, and run men into sin and sorrow, and often end in unpleasant ruptures. Therefore be not too forward in this friendship.
Direct. II. When you do choose a friend, though he must be one that you have no cause to be suspicious of, yet reckon that it is possible that he may be estranged from you, yea, and turn your enemy. Causeless jealousies are contrary to friendship on your part; and if there be cause, it is inconsistent with friendship on his part. But yet no friendship should make you blind, and not to know that man is a corrupt and mutable creature; especially in such an age as this, wherein we have seen, how personal changes, state changes, and changes in religion, have alienated many seeming friends. Therefore love them, and use them, and trust them, but as men, that may possibly fail all your expectations, and open all your secrets, and betray you, yea, and turn your enemies. Suspect it not, but judge it possible.
Direct. III. Be open with your approved friend, and commit all your secrets to him, still excepting those, the knowledge of which may be hurtful to himself, or the revealing of them hereafter may be intolerably injurious to yourself, to the honour of religion, to the public good, or to any other. If you be needlessly close, you are neither friendly, nor can you improve your friend enough to your own advantage. But yet if you open all without exception, you may many ways be injurious to your friend and to yourself; and the day may come which you did not look for, in which his weakness, passion, interest, or alienation, may trouble you by making all public to the world.