"No! I have never harbored remorse over White's death, and I indulge in no regrets now for my own. We have worked out, each of us, our own destiny, that is all; but with Winters, it was different. Poor fellow! he had a hard time, and though he was a worthless drunkard, he had no responsibility for the act which, in its consequences, shortened his life. He suffered innocently, and I might have spared him, and I did not. I was a coward in that and I despise a coward, but let that be. I might tell you that I had intended, should it have come to that, to have saved him from the gallows, but it is a weakness and an imposition to ask credit for what one claims one might have done, and it is a plea as available to a liar as to a truthful man.
"Whatever I might have done, I was saved the occasion by Winters's death. With that my obligation ended. To have given my life for a reputation that was well buried with the man, would have been quixotic. It could have done him no good, and the world would not have cared.
"I hardly know why I have written you all of this. Perhaps it may be because there comes to each of us, even the strongest, a wish at the end to extenuate, to explain. No man can entirely separate himself in his moral life from his fellows. No matter how vigorous his individuality, he can never escape the consciousness of their standard and their judgment, and he must be swayed by it more or less, even though he denies it for awhile to himself.
"Such has been my case. Unknown to them, I have battled with my fellow-men; the struggle has been all with me and yet they have won, and at this last hour I cannot give up my place among them, even though it be for oblivion, without a wish to live unsullied in their memories. I have repudiated their laws and have established a law for myself, but in the end mine has failed me and theirs controls. It is not that my law is illogical or unethical, it is only that they will not accept it, and I cannot escape from theirs.
"Am I inconsequent, I wonder, or incoherent? If so, it may be because the presence of death makes man's mind wander or distorts his mental vision, but I do not think it is thus with me. Such may be the case when death comes slowly and the mental faculties are impaired, but when one contemplates it, as I do now, in the full possession of all my faculties, it is rather, I think, that a prescience of the unknown, a touch of omniscience comes to a man and he knows more than other men know.
"As I sit here with death beside me, waiting for me, I seem to see things as I never saw them till now, and had I the chance I might wish to live on, but it is too late; to-morrow would bring me ruin and disgrace. Better death than that. It has been my philosophy that death was not an evil, but a solution for evils, and I will abide by it.
"It grows late and this letter must catch the mail. Let me then tell you quickly what I did that night, and how I came to do it, and so end all.
"I drew the Winters will and at the suggestion of White, who sought me for the purpose, I made his bequest one hundred thousand dollars instead of ten thousand dollars, and for doing so, I received a share. I needed money, and when a man at my age needs money it is hard. The matter would have ended there had White been less remorseful, but he grew daily more morbid over it, till I knew that in spite of all I could do, he would some day confess. Still I had no thought of killing him, and when I left his house that night and fixed the catches on the doors so that I could re-enter, and when I parted with you and retraced my steps, I had still no thought of killing him. I meant only to reason with him and dissuade him as I had done a dozen times before, but when I entered his room and found myself alone in the safety of the night and saw him asleep with the heaviness of drunken stupor and the means ready to my hand, the thought came to me and it was the easier and the surer way.
"Then I put on the cap and ulster and gathered up the bills that were on the table and went out. I left the ulster at Stanton's house, but forgot the cap, and then, seeking the nearest elevated station, went home. In the morning when I returned to White's rooms, I took the opportunity while I was by the body to drop the cap unseen behind the divan. I knew that it, as the other circumstances I had created, would but serve to further involve the case when it should be investigated. That is all.
"I might tell more of the impulses that swayed me, and of my feelings on that night and since, but it could serve no purpose and I am tired.