Has it any distinguishing marks? Send map of same.
Give dimensions of pig, using inclosed measurement chart.
Did you yourself steal the pig in the first place?
If not, inclose bill of sale.
Inclose statement signed by five witnesses proving that pig is not fond of parsnips.
Inclose photograph of pig and sample of parsnip alleged to have been eaten by same.
Inclose full description of Patrick Duffy, giving name, age, sex and photograph—without hat.
Chief Clerk, Bureau of Claims, Flatfoot Section.
It took Ug three days, seven pens, two bottles of ink—one spilled—two smeared shirts and much grunting to answer the questions, but answer them he did. He mailed the letter and waited.
The Indian Bureau replied in two weeks that his communication had been received and given careful attention; but, inasmuch as it appeared to involve a pig, it had been referred to the Department of Agriculture. The secretary to the secretary to the Secretary of Agriculture wrote Ug that the case had been referred to the Bureau of Animal Husbandry. Ug, puzzled, sent a hasty post card to say that General Grant had no husband, but this information was ignored. Instead, he received a letter saying that because of the legal aspects of the case it had been passed on to the Department of Justice. Ug sighed and waited. The Department of Justice referred the case, it notified Ug, to the ninth assistant attorney-general, who gave it some days of study and sent it back to the Commissioner of Indian Affairs, who wrote Ug to know if it was a pig or a rig that he had lost. Ug wrote “Pig, Pig, Pig!” on a post card and sent it to Washington. Day followed day. No letter came to Ug. He finally could stand delay no longer. He decided one night to play his trump card. He wrote to Uncle Sam: