PREFACE.
Though I intend this preface, prelude, or proem shall occupy but a single page, and be a facile specimen of the multum in parvo school, I find I have so little to say, I might spare myself the trouble of saying that little, only it might look a little odd (excuse my nibbing my pen) if, after writing a book, which by the way, may prove no book at all, I should introduce it to my readers,—did I say “Readers?”—what a theme to dilate upon! But stop, stop, Mr. Exultation, nobody may read your book, ergo, you will have no readers. Humph! I must nib my pen again. Cooks, grocers, butchers, kitchenmaids, the roast! Let brighter visions rise: methink I see it grace every room Peckwater round: methink I see, wherever mighty Tom sonorous peals forth his solemn “Come, come, come!” the sons of Oxon fly to Tallboys’ store, or Parker’s shelves, and cry “the Book, the Book!” Methink I see in Granta’s streets a crowd for Deighton’s and for Stevenson’s—anon, “the Book, the Book,” they cry “Give us the Book!” “Quips, Quirks, and Anecdotes?” “Aye, that’s the Book!” And, then, methink I see on Camus’ side, or where the Isis by her Christ Church glides, or Charwell’s lowlier stream, methink I see (as did the Spanish Prince of yore a son of Salamanca beat his brow) some togaed son of Alma Mater beat, aye, laugh and beat his brow. And then, like Philip, I demand the cause? And then he laughs outright, and in my face he thrusts a book, and cries, “Sir, read, read, read, ha, ha, ha, ha!” and stamps and laughs the while;—and then, ye gods, it proves to be the Book,—Quips, Quirks, and Anecdotes—ha, ha, ha, ha, ha! I cry you mercy, Sirs, read, read, read, read! From Eton, Harrow, Winchester, and West, come orders thick as Autumn leaves e’er fell, as larks at Dunstable, or Egypt’s plagues. The Row is in commotion,—all the world rushes by Amen Corner, or St. Paul’s: how like a summer-hive they go and come: the very Chapter’s caught the stirring theme, and, like King James at Christ Church, scents a hum.[1] E’en Caxton’s ghost stalks forth to beg a tome, and Wynkyn’s shroud in vain protests his claims. “There’s not a copy left,” cries Whitt’s or Long’s, as Caxton bolts with the extremest tome, and Wynkyn, foiled, shrinks grimly into air,
Veil’d in a cloud of scarce black-letter lore.
Had Galen’s self, sirs, ab origine, or Æsculapius, or the modern school of Pharmacopœians drugged their patients thus, they long ago, aye, long ago, had starved; your undertakers had been gone extinct, and churchyards turned to gambol-greens, forsooth. Mirth, like good wine, no help from physic needs:—blue devils and ennui! ha, ha, ha, ha! Didst ever taste champagne? Then laugh, sirs, laugh,—“laugh and grow fat,” the maxim’s old and good: the stars sang at their birth—“Ha, ha, ha, ha!” I cry you mercy, sirs, the Book, the Book, Quips, Quirks, and Anecdotes. Oxonians hear! “Ha, ha, ha, ha!” Let Granta, too, respond. What would you more? the Book, sirs, read, read, read.
’Tis true, my work’s a diamond in the rough, and that there still are sparkling bits abroad, by wits whose wages may not be to die, would make it, aye, the very Book of Books! Let them, anon, to Cornhill wend their way (p.p.) to cut a figure in Ed. sec. 3d, or 4th, from Isis or from Cam. What if they say, as Maudlin Cole of Boyle, because some Christ-Church wits adorned his page with their chaste learning, “’Tis a Chedder cheese made of the milk of all the parish,”—Sirs, d’ye think I’d wince and call them knave or fool? Methink I’d joy to spur them to the task! Methink I see the mirth-inspired sons of Christ-Church and the rest, penning Rich Puns, Bon-mots, and Brave Conceits, for ages have, at Oxon, “borne the bell,” and oft the table set in royal roar. Methink I see the wits of Camus, too, go laughing to the task,—and then, methink, O! what a glorious toil were mine, at last, to send them trumpet-tongued through all the world!
[1] Sir Isaac Wake says in his Rex Platonicus, that when James the First attended the performance of a play in the Hall of Christ-Church, Oxford, the scholars applauded his Majesty by clapping their hands and humming. The latter somewhat surprised the royal auditor, but on its being explained to signify applause, he expressed himself satisfied.
CONTENTS.
| PAGE | |
| Was Oxford or Cambridge first Founded? | [13] |
| Origin of this celebrated Controversy | [16] |
| Died of Literary Mortification | [17] |
| Sir Simon D’Ewes on Antiquity of Cambridge | [ib.] |
| Gone to Jerusalem | [18] |
| Cutting Retort—Liberty a Plant | [19], [20] |
| A Tailor surprised—Declining King George, &c. | [20] |
| Classical Jeu D’Esprit—Trait of Barrow | [21] |
| Inveterate Smokers | [22] |
| Lover of Tobacco—A Wager, &c. | [22], [23] |
| Newton’s Toast—Piety of Ray | [23] |
| Devil over Lincoln—Radcliffe’s Library | [24] |
| Traits of Dr. Bathurst—His Whip, &c. | [25] |
| Smart Fellows | [ib.] |
| Epigram—Tell us what you can’t do? | [26], [27] |
| First Woman introduced into a Cloister | [27] |
| Cambridge Scholar and Ghost of Scrag of Mutton | [28] |
| Comparisons are odious | [30] |
| Jaunt down a Patient’s throat—Difference of Opinion | [30], [31] |
| Petit-Maitre Physician—Anecdote of Porson | [31] |
| Οὐ τόδε οὐδ αλλο—Aliquid—Di-do-dum | [32] |
| Bishop Heber’s College Puns | [ib.] |
| Effect of Broad-wheeled Wagon, &c. | [33] |
| Queen Elizabeth and the Men of Exeter College, &c. | [34] |
| Oxonians Posed—Lapsus Grammaticæ | [35] |
| Latin to be Used—Habit—Concussion | [36] |
| Comic Picture of Provost’s Election | [37] |
| Sir, Dominus, Magistri, Sir Greene | [38] |
| Husbands beat their Wives—Attack on Ladies | [39] |
| Doings at Merton—Digging Graves with Teeth | [40] |
| Doctor’s Gratitude to Horse—John Sharp’s Rogue | [41] |
| Said as how you’d See—Much Noise as Please | [42], [43] |
| Mad Peter-house Poet—Grace Cup | [44], [45] |
| Tertiavit—Capacious Bowl—Horn Diversion | [46] |
| Bibulous Relique—Christian Custom—Feast Days | [47] |
| Walpole at Cambridge—College Dinner 16th Century | [49], [50] |
| Black Night—Force of Imagination—Absent Habits | [52], [53] |
| Anecdotes of Early Cambridge Poets | [54] |
| Cromwell’s Pear-tree, &c. | [58] |
| Stung by a B—Dr. P. Nest of Saxonists | [61] |
| Pleasant Mistake—Minding Roast | [62] |
| College Exercise—Bell—Fun—Tulip-time | [62], [63] |
| King of Denmark—King William IV. visit Cambridge | [64], [65] |
| Queen Elizabeth’s Visit to Oxford and Cambridge | [66], [67] |
| First Dissenter in England | [67] |
| First English Play extant by Cambridge Scholar | [68] |
| Christ-Church Scholars Invented moveable Scenes | [70] |
| James I. at Oxford and Cambridge | [71] |
| Divinity Act—Latin Comedy | [76], [77] |
| Case of Precedence—Smothered in Petticoats | [78], [79] |
| Brief Account of Boar’s Head Carols | [79] |
| Celebration of, at Queen’s College, Oxon | [83] |
| Cleaving Block—Being little | [84], [85] |
| Traits of Porson—Wakefield—Clarke | [87], [88] |
| Blue Beans—University Bedels—Dr. Bentley | [89], [90] |
| Great Gaudy All-Souls Mallard | [91] |
| Oxford Dream—Compliments to Learned Men | [96], [98] |
| Point of Etiquette—Value of Syllable | [101], [102] |
| Cocks may Crow—Profane Scoffers | [102] |
| Jemmy Gordon—Oxford Wag | [103], [106] |
| Cambridge Frolics—Black Rash | [107], [108] |
| Old Grizzle Wig—Shooting Anecdotes | [109], [110] |
| Bishop Watson’s Progress—Paley, &c. | [111], [115] |
| Oxford Hoax—Good Saying | [116], [117] |
| Walpole a Saint—Oxford famous for its Sophists, &c. | [118] |
| Laconic Vice—Usum Oxon—Pert Oxonians | [120], [121] |
| Corrupted Latin Tongue—Surpassed Aristotle, &c. | [121] |
| Set Aristotle Heels upwards—Art of Cutting | [122], [123] |
| Soldiers at Oxford Disputation, &c. | [123] |
| Captain Rag—Dainty Morsels | [124], [125] |
| Answered in Kind—Powers of Digestion | [126], [127] |
| Inside Passenger—Traits of Paley | [128], [129] |
| Lord Burleigh and Dissenters—Sayings | [134], [135] |
| Porson—Greek Protestants at Oxon | [135], [136] |
| Cambridge Folk—Gyps—Drops of Brandy—Dessert for Twenty, &c. | [137], [138] |
| Parr’s Eloquence—Address—Vanity, &c. | [140] |
| Trick of the Devil—Three Classical Puns | [142], [143] |
| Acts—Pleasant Story—Epigram—Revenge | [144], [145] |
| Mothers’ Darlings—Fathers’ Favourites | [146], [147] |
| Iter Academicum—A Story | [148], [149] |
| Anecdotes of Freshmen | [150] |
| Lord Eldon—Whissonset Church | [151], [152] |
| Boots—Yellow Stockings—Fashion Hair | [153], [154] |
| Barber dressed—First Prelate wore Wig | [155], [159] |
| Boots, Spurs, &c. prohibited at Oxon | [159] |
| Whipping, &c.—Flying Cambridge Barber | [159], [160] |
| Isthmus Suez—Drink for Church | [160], [161] |
| Good Appetite—College Quiz—The Greatest Calf | [162], [163] |
| Like Rabelais—Ambassadors King Jesus at Oxon | [163], [164] |
| Effort Intellect—Dr. Hallifax—Dr. Tucker | [164], [165] |
| Distich—Skeleton Sermons—Paid First | [165], [166] |
| In the Stocks—Hissing—Posing—Gross Pun | [167], [168] |
| Family Spintexts—Alcock—Barrow, Parr, &c. | [169], [170] |
| Three-headed Priest—Burnt to Cinder | [171], [172] |
| Cantab Invented Short-hand—Humble Petition of Ladies | [172], [173] |
| Turn for Humour—Repartees—All over Germany | [174], [175] |
| Oxford and Cambridge Rebuses | [175] |
| Something in your way—Duns—Out of Debt | [177] |
| Queering a Dun—Gray and Warburton | [179] |
| Canons of Criticism—Bishop Barrington | [181] |
| Pulpit Admonition—Simplicity of great Minds | [182] |
| Singularities—Triple Discourse | [184], [185] |
| Traits of Lord Sandwich—Lapsus Linguæ | [185], [186] |
| Oxford and Cambridge Loyalty—Clubs, &c. | [186], [189] |
| Retrogradation—On-dit | [190] |
| Worcester Goblin—Cambridge Triposes | [191], [192] |
| Records of Cambridge Triposes—Wooden Spoon—Poll—Conceits of Porson, Vince, &c. | [193], [194] |
| Classical Triposes—Wooden Wedge—Disney’s Song | [197], [198] |
| A Dreadful Fit of Rheumatism | [199] |
| Parr an Ingrate—Le Diable—Critical Civilities | [200], [201] |
| Sir Busick and Sir Isaac again—Cole: Deum | [201], [202] |
| Freshman’s Puzzle | [202] |
| Sly Humourist—Noble Oxonian—Oxford Wag—Person of Gravity | [203], [204] |
| The Enough | [204] |