The English Rogue: Continued in the Life of Meriton Latroon, and Other Extravagants: The Fourth Part

by Richard Head; Francis Kirkman

This Gentlewoman as I have informed you, was an extraordinary Beauty, very handsome, and of a winning carriage, very familiar where she observed any thing of merit or desert; only to be blamed for a small matter of Avarice, which had ever ran in the veins of her Ancestors; but principally to be admired for her modest deportment and chaste disposition. In her minority when the sweet Rose-bud, her virginity was scarce blown, she had a vast quantity of Suiters, which dayly sollicited her Parents to give their consent that they might address themselves to the Daughter by the way of marriage, some of the more wealthy sort were permitted, others for want of a Fortune suitable to hers, were denied, but she for her part lookt upon them all with so much indifferency, that she gave none an occasion to boast of her extraordinary favours.

Whilst her amorous Visitants were despairing by reason of her extream coldness, a young and sprightly Gentleman hearing of her incomparable beauty, and rare accomplishments crowded in among the rest of her Adorers, and at first sight concluded what he saw, to out-strip what ever he had taken upon report, and fell passionately in love with her, and having not other Rhetorique but his eyes, he employed them so effectually, that they spake more in his behalf, than if he had had the advantage of a score of eloquent tongues to have pleaded his Cause; the warming Rays of these two little glittering Orbs thaw’d her affection with as much facility as the melting Sun dissolves an hoary frost crisping the Pearly-dew’d grass in a May-morning. Thus at the first interview there was a reciprocal return of each others affections, but though there was a suitableness in their wills, yet there was a desparity in their Fortunes, which caused her friends to be utterly against any overture that should be made as to a Match with this young Gentleman and their Daughter, and lest there should be any private conference between them which might more strongly cement their affections, they resolved to prevent all things of that nature by sending her to a place not only remote, but altogether unknown to any but themselves.

What an heart-breaking this was to our two Lovers I will give you leave to imagine; for a time it was almost intolerable, but Absence the best remedy for a Love-sick heart cured her in some part; and hearing that her friend’s discontent had forced him to travel with a resolution never to return, (she being call’d home to her fathers house) was induced to permit the visits of her Amorists as before; and now seeing herself incapable of holding out longer, by reason of the perswasion of her Parents, and incessant importunities of her Lover, yields to him, and so they were married, with whom she lived very happily; but her Husband dying, she lived a while a widow, in hope to hear from her first Lover, which ever makes the deepest impression on the amorous heart, but being assur’d by several credible persons (as she thought) that he was dead, she bathing his memory with some tears, resolved when opportunity should fair and advantagiously offer it self, she would throw off her Widow-hood and re-assume her former condition. To this purpose several addressed themselves to her, but she being a politick and crafty woman, gave ear to them all, but gave credit to none. And indeed for my part I cannot but applaud her prudence in not too hastily marrying after the decease of her Husband, if it were for nothing else than the dayly treats a woman shall meet withal in that condition, if she be handsome; if wealthy, how will the presents come tumbling hourly into her lap? Not a beauty hunter in the Town but will endeavour to have a flurt at the Widow, and not a younger brother or decay’d Gallant but will try to sawder up his crack’d Fortunes, though he spend his whole Revenue on her, that is, either what he hath about him, or what he can borrow upon a thousand Oaths and Protestations. But to return where I left off, this Widow admitted several to caress her, whom she entertained handsomely befitting their quality; among the rest this last (indigent) Gentleman accosted her, the greatness of whose affections with the pretence of a great Estate, carried her from all the rest; happily they lived some considerable time, and longer they might have so done, had not this Gentlewomans first Lover returned, who did so upon no other account than that he heard his dearly beloved Mistress was in a condition to receive him into her bosom, and so make him amends for all the sorrow and trouble he had sustained for her sake: but finding his expectations frustrated, he behaved himself like a man distracted, especially when he had heard from her own mouth, had he been present, of all the men in the world she would have chosen him for her Husband. This indeared expression as it would at another time have transported him into an Extasie of Joy, so now it wrought contrary effects upon him, for to think by his rash and inconsiderate absenting himself he had lost that inestimate prize he might have enjoy’d by waiting near it with patience. His madness encreas’d to that height, he took his Bed and fell into a desperate Fever; his Mistress hearing in what a sad condition this poor Gentleman lay for her sake, could do no less than give him a visit to comfort him, and reduce him if it were possible to his former understanding, for he raved night and day, continually calling on her name, exclaiming against her cruelty, and I know not what.

The ravings of this Gentleman were bruited every where some pitying him, whilst they cunningly pryed into the cause of his distemper, and by reason he was a person well known to most of the inhabitants, old stories were rapt up, and all concluded the deplorableness of his present state proceeded from this Gentlewoman.

Her Husband was not so deaf, but that he heard all these mutterings, which extreamly disturb’d his spirits, insomuch that he now began to question in his thoughts his Wife’s fidelity to him, but exprest not his resentments in the least, resolving to see what the event of these things would be. The Gentlewoman on the other side fearing lest she should be the death of him she once loved equally with her own life, resolved to restore him if she could, and to that intent she judg’d the best expedient was to remove his despair, by giving him some hopes that he had a share in that heart still which was once totally his; which she did with so much assurance (though with no such intent) that he had not so lost his senses but that he understood what she said, and therefore begg’d a repetition of these words again, which she did so sweetly and with so much seeming reality, that this remedy had like to have proved his absolute ruine, for at this he cryed out as loud as his weakned spirits would give leave, O let me die! since none more happy now than I, and so fell into a swound; there were none in the Room but these two, but the Gentlewoman with her shrieks soon fill’d the Room, who assisted all to recal him, with much difficulty they did, and now their greatest care was to get him to sleep; he was now easily perswaded to any thing, to all their admirations, and so reposing him self that night, there was by the next morning wrought so wonderful a change that all his friends were amazed. This miraculous recovery plainly appeared to proceed from his Doctress for after this there was not a visit that she gave him, which did not sensibly amend him.

At length he was restored to his perfect health, and now did this Gentlewomans Husband fall sick of a worse distemper, the Plague of Jealousie, and raved as the other had done, but in a worse manner; for now he did not stick to call that wife (which he knew with all her Friends to be honest and virtuous) Whore, Strumpet, &c. It was to no purpose for her to justify her innocency, for he was so strongly possest with an opinion of her dishonesty, that he would not hear the least Plea in her behalf, but so enrag’d he was that nothing proceeded out of his mouth but vows to be revenged on his Wife and loose Associate; several attempts he made on them both, but ineffectual; insomuch that it was now high time for their friends to advise them not to come near him, till some means might be used to convince him of his misbelief, and to lay open the danger that would ensue should he persist in this misgrounded opinion.

This counsel was well receiv’d and followed, this Jealous Gentleman being thus deserted, and the Subjects of his revenge removed from him, ran up and down like a mad-man, but seeing at last this could not be the way to effect his purpose, desisted from raving, and seemed to hearken to the counsel of his friends who advised by all means to harbour no such unworthy thought of his wife, pawning their souls she was as honest as their own, with many more perswasions, which he hearkned to with great attention seemingly, and to be short, acknowledg’d his error; and if that they would be the instruments of bringing his wife to him again, he would on his knees beg her forgiveness, and the Gentleman whom he had wrong’d, they making him bind his promise with many Vows and Protestations, assured him they would use their utmost endeavour, in short time they prevailed with the Gentlewoman to return upon the Conditions aforesaid.

Coming home, this hypocritical jealous Devil prepared a sumptuous Dinner, and invited his supposed Rival, with many friends to rejoyce with him in this happy reconciliation between him and his wife, and in the mean time he applied himself to an Apothecary, an intimate friend of his, whom he thought wicked enough for his purpose, and one that he might confidently trust, telling him that his wife was a Whore, and that he knew the Rogue her lascivious Paramour; that he was a dead man if he was not revenged on them both by death, and for that purpose he must help him to a strong dose of poyson that shall dispatch them instantly; the Apothecary after some pauses, with the proviso of never being discovered, consented, and gave him something in a paper, which with much joy he received, and carried home with all expedition. By this time dinner was ready and serv’d up, the Guests seated, and he bidding them welcome with a chearful countenance, declar’d to the whole Company that he had highly wrong’d his wife, and that Gentleman pointing to him, that if they would forgive him, he would make them amends; they readily condescended to what he had propounded, and now nothing but a general jolity was observed throughout the Table, the Glasses went about merrily, there being all sorts of wine to excess; and now let me bring this feast to its Catastrophe. The Cloth being removed, and all prepared and ready for a Grace-cup, this graceless man, the Master of the Feast, call’d for a Bottle of Wine, in which before he had conveyed what he had received from the Apothecary, and filling out thereof in a large glass up to the brimm, drank an health to his wife, wishing they might never have more difference here, his Wife and all the Company gladly accepted the notion; he having drank it off filled to his wife, which she drank off to her former Lover, he receives it, and drank, as the other had done, to the next having so done, the Husband started up, saying, It was enough, it should go no further; every one admired at the humour, which he perceiving, said, you must think I love my wife and her friends better than so, than that they should drink what you do, they deserve to have something therein better than ordinary to end all differences on Earth, and make them Saints in Heaven, I love them not so ill as not to bear them company; Come, come to your prayers for a prosperous journey, our time is but short. Lord! what a confusion was all the room in, when they heard him speak after this manner, knowing now that he had perfected his revenge by poysoning them and himself too. Several were dispatcht instantly for Antidote to expel the poyson, whilst the poor Gentlewoman and her friend were on their knees offering up their last Petitions: having said some Prayers, Husband, said she, I forgive you with all my Soul, but know, I ever lov’d you too well to defile your Bed, and as these are (as I suppose) the last words I shall ever speak to you more, I am innocent as to what you unjustly suspect me with; and let me, said her friend, on the dying words of a sinful man protest, I never defiled your Bed, and do believe her from all others as chaste as the chastest Vestal-Virgin; whilst they were thus confessing, the Apothecary came in just as the Husband had kneeled to ask Heaven forgivenness for this triple murder. The Apothecary seeing them all in this posture, he broke out into a very extravagant laughter, which made the Husband turn about his head, who seeing the Apothecary, cryed out, Seize that Villain, it is he that hath help’d me to do this damn’d Act, it is he that hath furnished me with those hellish materials to murder the innocent; by this time conceit had so wrought on the other two, that by their faces it was high time the Apothecary saw to unriddle the whole matter; wherefore desiring them to rise, Gentlemen, said he, the Master of this house upon a discontent grounded on jealousie, the particulars whereof you all know, came to me, and desired assistance in his revenge by poyson, had I deny’d him he would have gone to some else, who might have embraced his wicked design, but to the intent I might hinder all further attempts, I gave him nothing but what was harmless, and assure your selves there is no danger in what you have drank, my life for yours; this strangely amaz’d them all, the Gentlewoman was demanded how she felt her self, she acknowledged to have no sense of alteration, and so did the other; the Husband seeing how fouly his Plot was discovered, and being ashamed to breath after so much intentional guilt, drew a Dagger and attempted to stabb himself three or four times, but was still prevented, being at last somewhat pacified by his good wife, he retired, and having for two years sequestred himself from the enjoyments of the world, exercising himself in all things that became a penitent man, he vowed a weekly pennance during his life, and so was throwly reconciled to his wife, and the moderate enjoyments of this life.

And thus Mistress Dorothy finished all her Stories acquainting us further, that amongst these many Amorists that came to see her, her friend the Scrivener, became intimately acquainted with her, and frequenting her Company often, gained so great an Interest in her, that he being bound for the East Indies, perswaded her to go with him in mans apparel, which she did, and there found some of her old acquaintance, and one that had been so familiar with her before in England. Every one had now given an account of the most considerable passages of their lives, excepting only the Captain, who being sollicited thereunto, freely condescended to anatomize his life, without mincing the least material truth, and thus in the Chapters following gives you the whole relation.