All the time that we lay here at Anchor I was not permitted to go ashore, a thing that griev’d me to the heart, especially having not the benefit of others, who had the freedom of going ashore and refresh themselves with fresh Provisions. Our Sea-men that were on Ship-board would have the same conveniences as if they were where properly they might be had, but were so inhumane to me, that I must eat what the Ship afforded, or fast; this they did, that I might adventure another whipping by stealing my Masters Liquors, knowing how strongly I longed to taste of fresh meat: not a bit went down my throat but what I purchased with the hazard aforesaid; but my Masters carowsing at the Indian Bridge, made him forget what was exhausted out of his Cabbin, and so I came off undiscovered.
Having taken in our Loading proper for our Transportation, as to Tobacco, Indigo, Cotton, and Sugar, (which last sweetned all the bitter Pills of affliction which I had swallowed) we set Sail for England, and with a prosperous Gale, and good weather, we safely arrived in the Downs, where lying a small time, we came away to Graves-End, and there we staid two Tides. My Master going ashore, I begg’d him that he would let me go with him, having not set foot on Land in so long time; the consideration thereof perswaded him to grant my request; and taking an opportunity to slip from my Master, I chanc’d to happen into an House, where at that little time of my staying happen’d a remarkable passage. There was a Justice of the Peace that lived not far from this House, who had a Wood-yard adjoyning hereunto: the near adjacency of this Fewel tempted my Landlord to purloin from thence, that he might save some expence in firing; but he did it so often, that he caused the Justice to suspect he was grosly abused by some or other thereabout; and that he might find out the offender, he ordered his Servants to bore large holes in some of the Loggs, and fill them with Gun-powder, plugging up the same holes very close again; which was performed according to instruction, and the design took its desired effect; for our Landlord according to his wonted custom, came into the Yard, and happened to take those very Loggs, and carried them home to use them as he had done the rest; his Pot was over the Fire, and a Spit before it, in order to a Supper bespoke by some strangers. I was smoaking by the fire side, (that you may know I was not ill bred,) and had a Pot of Ale in my hand sitting very near the Fire, my Landlord eagerly bid me remove farther off that he might have room to supply his decaying Fire, (it was well for me;) having laid on those Loggs, in a little time after came an old Woman (whose ancient and deformed withered face had made her a long time suspected for a Witch,) who begged heartily for an Alms, but such was the cruel hard heartedness of our Landlord, that he not only denyed her, but rudely thrust her from the door, the poor helpless Woman durst not openly exclaim, but as she was muttering to her self her great discontent, the Fire got to the Powder inclosed in the Wood aforesaid, and being so straitly and throughly confin’d, burst the Logs like a Granado, tearing the Meat off the Spit, blowing the Pot off the Hooks, and brake some small matter of the Brickwork of the Chimney. My loss consisted in the dropping of my Pot of Ale with the suddain astonishment; but my Landlord lookt like a fellow distracted out of his wits; recollecting himself, and seeing what dammage was done him, concluded this begger-woman was the cause of all this mischief, believing her now to be what she had been a long time suspected for a Witch, and therefore leaves his House confusedly, (which gave me an opportunity to trip off and leave my reckoning unpaid,) and getting a Constable, seiz’d this ignorant piece of antiquity, carrying her before the Justice that had lost his Wood from time to time; My Landlord hereupon largely acquainted his Worship the sad hap that had befallen him and the grounds of his suspecting this Woman; which when the Justice had heard to the full, he then understood who was the Wood-stealer, and so acquitting the old Woman, but committed my Landlord, who must now pay for his Children sitting by other Peoples Fires.
I had not so much Money but that I was very glad to save my small reckoning; returning to my Master, he was very jolly, resolving to lie ashore that night in Graves-end, and commanded me to attend him; not a drop of Wine would go down with him I observed without his Land-lady, which was a very lovely Woman, had she not been a little too fat: her Husband was the absolute picture of a Cuckold; it is strange that a man should read that name so legibly in any ones face.
Night coming on, my Master seem’d to be more drunk than he was, that he might the better excuse his so soon going to bed, desiring to take his repose, after I had pulled off his Shooes and Stockins, and he had all undrest himself, being between the Sheets, I tuckt in the Bedcloathes about him, and in so doing took an occasion to meet with his Breeches, and diving into the Pockets I conveyed away two half Crowns, and so shutting the Chamber door, I left him.
Going into the Kitchin, I called for Wine, some upon my Masters account, the rest upon my own charge; It was my good fortune to be alone with the Maid, all the rest of the Family (being late) were gone to bed.
The Maid (like the rest of the worst of House-wives, who work in the night and play in the day,) was making at that time a Smock for her self, and as I guess sate up somewhat the later, because she would completely finish it; I had made my self familiar with her, and taking this advantage to raise some petulant discourse; Is this your Smock? said I, Yes, she replyed, then sure, said I, you are very lavish of your Cloth to make it so wide; I will lay you five shillings, and you shall hold stakes, that it will contain us both, and to spare: How, said she, I will lay you that wager if I never engage in another; but the difficulty lay in this, that she saw there was a necessity that she must uncase as well as my self, and therefore seemed very unwilling so to do; But that she must lose the Crown if she did not, so she consented: having the Smock on, I crept into it, and absolutely cased my Arms in the same sleeves; hers were in before, my head peeping out at the bosom; but endeavouring to dis-ingage by the same means we had intangled our selves, we found it impossible, our Arms being extended like the wings of a Spread Eagle, nor could we contract or draw them to our bodies, in this plight we were in a good while, not knowing what to resolve on. At length with one joint consent we raised our Arms to the Tenter-hooks of the Shelf, (for though I was young, I was tall, and so was she,) and hanging the Sleeve thereon, we pull’d, thinking to draw it off that way; but striving with what strength we had left, we pull’d the shelf down, and all the Pewter ratling about our ears: This noise awakened the man of the House, and thinking to jog his Wife, found no such thing beside him; this startled him more; however he was resolved to see what it was, and therefore struck a light; but recalling himself as he was descending the stairs, he returned, thinking it would be safer (if Theeves were below,) to take my Master with him, and therefore goes to his Chamber door, which he found open, and entring the room, found his wife in bed with him fast asleep; whilst he was about to waken them, we below were struggling to get loose, and stumbling upon the shelf fallen, we fell over it upon the Dishes, which made as great a noise as the former; this hastned him to wake them, reproving his Wife for her carelesness more than looseness, and telling them there were Thieves in the House; my Master got up and went down with his Landlord to see what the matter was in the Kitchen: They had no sooner entred the door but they were strangely amazed to see one Body with two Heads; approaching nearer, my Master knew one Head to be his mans, and the other to be his Landlords Maids: with much difficulty they they took this Flesh Pudding out of the Bagg; it being midnight we were not examined then, but deferred till the next morning: in the mean time they consulted together; and it was agreed upon between the Landlord and his Wife, that conditionally my Master would forgive me, they would their Maid, and never foolishly proclaim their shame to the world which now lay in their powers to conceal. This adventure staid us longer ashore than we intended, but at length getting aboard, we sailed up to Eriff, where we Anchored two or three days for some private business our Master had, &c. and from thence we went directly up the River, and came to an Anchor over against Shadwell-Dock[Shadwell-Dock].
