CHAP. XI.
What devices he found out to Cheat his Master; and what ways he had to spend it lavishly, at unseasonable hours, on Wine, Wenches, &c.
The time being come again, for the meeting my snipping Brethren, I went prepared with what I could conveniently carry with me. Seeing me come well fraught, my merchants presently clapt me aboard, resolving not to let my commodities lie long on my hands, our truck was soon agreed on to our mutual contents. Then like true Sons of Bacchus, we trouled the full boles about, wishing him that pledged not his fellow, in a dark rainy night on a tyred Jade bare ridged in a dirty lane, with a pocky Whore behind him, and his own bones rotten, nine Miles from an house, not knowing one step of his way, nor having one penny in his pocket. This, or the like dreadful execration, made us tumble off whole Boles like so many thimbles full. Half a dozen of these a piece, were a preludium to our Supper, which usually was composed of the choicest viands. Neither could we eat, without our female Consorts, whom Wine and Musick waited on. After Supper, we fell again to our old Bacchanalian sport, drinking, Dancing, or privately treating our Mistresses at a venereal Banquet. When we had drank our selves to ebriety, and satiated our lustful appetites, we betook our selves to our respective habitations, our Masters not dreaming of our night-Revellings. Our own expences were neither valuable nor comparable to what our Mad-Dames put us to, which were so great (though they made me rack my invention to supply their pretended necessities) that all my various endeavours could not answer their expeditions. I had taken my Gentlewoman a chamber, for which I paid three shillings a week, and upon the bare promise of a Whore, that she would prove constant to me, I allowed her a weekly pension besides; I never came to receive a private favour, but I must return her for it, some special and particular courtesie; as a Scarf, an Hood, a Ring, a Whisk, or rich Lace for her Smock. If I failed at any time of paying my promised Tribute I should be severely checked, nay, sometimes threatned that I had undone her; at the least denyed my accustomed Familiarity; then she would pretend that she had refused many eminent Matches mearly for my sake, that now she saw her self meerly deluded, and would endure it no longer; and would tell my Master our whole proceedings. If I had performed the main, and not presented her when I came with some other gratuity, as a work of Supererogation, she would deride my Courtship, telling me, I was an empty fellow, that I bestowed my favours on others and that made me so sparing to her. And that she scorned to be a copartner in my heart. When she thought she had sufficiently nettled me, (fearing to strain my passion too high) then a little comply, clapping me on the cheeks, calling me Smock-face Rogue; come hither Sirrah, I know what you would have, I’le save your longing. Such sweetned words soon over powered my sourness: and notwithstanding my intended hardness, I could not forbear melting in her arms. We durst not take much time in dalliance, my duty calling me home; but I regarded not that so much as to preserve my Masters good opinion of me. Now since opportunity offereth it self so appositly, give me leave to lay open this subtle Female, on whom a strong ascendancy of Mercury and Venus, had bestowed so liberal a Talent for Whoring, and Cheating, that few escaped her circumvention that came into her company. The Relation I shall give of this miracle of Female subtilty, will be much advantagious to all sorts of persons. By this those that are viciously inclined may be advised into a Reformation before they have occasion for Repentance: And they who defying all Admonishment, and are resolved to be wicked in spite, may out of an apprehension of the ensuing danger and punishment, be deterred into caution, &c.
A
SHORT SURVEY OF A CUNNING
WHORE.
When first I made my self acquainted with her, I thought my happiness not inferiour to the Grand Seignors, for although he had in his Seraglio the injoyment of an hundred or more of the most select beauties of the Universe, yet did I fancy all those external glories contracted into one, and possessed my matchless Mistress. As she was fair, so well featured, sprightly and young, four dangerous advantages, when they are accompanied with Wit, Dissimulation, Craft and Impudence, with a covetous desire of injoying of what others possest. She could not be ignorant of her trade, since her Mother was a profest Bawd from the time she brought her into the world. Taking notice of her extraordinary handsomness even from the Cradle, she resolved to dedicate her to the service of Venus, not doubting but the bent of her nature would render her very capable of that employ. Being about thirteen years of age, her beauty was so much taken notice of, that her lovers swarmed about her. The old Bawd her Mother was so overjoyed to see so large and goodly a Troop of Cupids Lanciers, her daughters life-guard, and doubted not now but that she should obtain the plenary fruition of her hopes, and therefore entertained them all, yet watching them so narrowly, that none should taste her fruit unless they bought the tree at a dear rate. She so well observed her daughters natural policy that she was well assured her insinuations would in a little time command both the hearts and purses of those who courted her. Her design proved as fortunate as she could wish, in as much as among the many that languished for her, there was one so wealthy as that he never knew the want of a thousand pound, whose heart was inflamed by her eyes.
She had now assumed the title of Madam, which one should think belonged to none but who are nobly extracted, however, why should she baulk it, since it is an honour costs little or nothing, and as soon conferred as spoken. This Gentleman was so insnared by the witchcrafts of a lovely face, that though he knew the profession and practice of the Mother, and the daughters want of honour, honesty and wealth, yet he resolved upon a marriage within few days without the tediousness of Treaties. When there was a firm contract concluded between them before witnesses, the charitable Bawd his intended Mother in law, came to him, and told him if his stomack was raw and could not stay so long till the meat was served up with the usual ceremonies; he should have a bit for a stay, and taste beforehand, the proposition was not unwellcome to him, wherefore he instantly took earnest of the happiness he vainly believed would bear him company durante vita. Not long after they had their nuptials celebrated, and that he might not disparage himself in the worlds eye, as to his inconsiderable choice; he bought his wife at his proper charge, new cloaths, splendid enough you may guess, with the appendixes of gallantry, rings, jewels, &c. and so brought her home to his house in much state. She had not long lived with him, but she followed the dictates of a luxurious disposition, and a libertine, hating to have her liberty circumscribed or bounded, especially by one so remote to her nature and unsuitable in years, wherefore under pretence of visiting this friend and that couzen, she so blinded her old Husband by this plausible excuse as that she made her frequent sallies abroad pimp for her desires. Her Husband observing her often gaddings and profuse expences, could do no less then suspect more then he was willing to understand, and therefore not only abridged the liberty she took, but devested her of those ornaments he had bestowed upon her, which so animated her to revenge, that she resolved not to let slip the first opportunity. She soon got acquainted with one suitable to her purpose, a person as much ingaged in debauchery, as his credit was in the world, yet so pleasant he appeared in her eyes, as that a little courting made her wholly at his devotion. Hence we may observe the dangerous consequences of disproportion of age in matching. Surely there can be no agreement between fire and water, between freezing Winter, and Scorching Summer. Besides when a Woman comes once to have mean thoughts of her Husband (upon any account whatever) She is then in the way to affect any body else. She now not only slighted, but hated him, which made her launch out into all the excesses that exasperated, and vicious Woman-kind can imagine or contrive, from whence she may either derive satisfaction or advantage, neither could she want assistance or councel, as long as the old experienced Bawd her mother lived.
This good old Dotard finding himself so abused, that the whole world must needs call his reason in question; if he suffered any longer his loose wife to Career thus in Luxury and Wantonness, resolved within himself to call her to a severe accompt, intending withal to reduce her by kindness, as well as sharpness, and so equally to temper his frowns with smiles, that she should not tell which of those two ingredients were most powerful in the effecting the cure of his lust sick-wanton.
Returning one evening from her revels abroad, the old Cuckold took her to task; sharply reproving her for her Gaddings, her Tavern meetings, with debauched and licentious persons; her lavish expence in paying the Recknings where ever she came, but especially her supplying the necessities of lusty younger Brothers, which resupplyed hers. The old man had so spent his spirits and breath, in schooling his Lecherous Truant, that he was forced to conclude his wormwood Lecture in an excessive cough; the inseperable Companion of him and Age. My bucksome Madam fearing he was streining for more of that unpleasing stuff, which had so lately offended her ears, left him half strangled with a Tysick.