THE CHARACTER OF
A Bottle of Canary.
He is Gentleman I assure you well extracted, which once lived like a Salamander in the midst of the flames; and had he not been burnt, he have never proved sound. He seems a Prodigy: For that which we live by, decays him; hating Air, as Bacchus hates small Beer. He will lie still if you smother him, and is never so well, as when his breath is stopt. Bury him, and you make him quicker. As for his habit, it is ever plain, yet neat: Though Nobly born, he scorns not to wear a green Coat, with a badge on it; and you cannot injure him worse than to pick a hole in his Coat. Though he wears for the most part one sort of Garb, yet he is never out of fashion, acceptable to the best of company, not regarding his outward dress, but valuing his inward worth: However, his Suit is made of admirable Stuff, for his outside never grows barer, and his Linings are the fresher for wearing. So choice he is in his Cloathing, that he rather chuseth to have his brains knockt out, than to have a rent in his Garment. He wears an a la mode Hat, as light (and almost as little) as a Shittle-cock, which he puts off to none; but like the Quaker when brought before a Magistrate, hath it taken off for him.
As for his Pedegree, I now not how to derive it; for he hath had in him the best and purest of the French blood, but will now acknowledge his Race onely from the Spaniard, whom he imitates, being stately, and standing always upright; treads for the most part on Carpets, and never stirs abroad but when he is carried, yet full of activity. If he runs fast and long, the more wind he gets. If he chance to fall, which is seldom, for many look to him, he will be extreamly moved, yet (contrary to all men) the fuller his belly is, the less hurt he receives: his credit is large, never paying for what he wears, running on the score perpetually; his conditions are a riddle, there is in him pure vertue, and notorious vice; the quintessence of love, and the venome of hatred. He is the beginning and the end of a thousand quarrels in a year, yet a very Coward; for he suffers any to take him by the ear, and never broke any ones pate, but when company was by. He is very facetious in society, and will spend himself freely to the last drop, if a Ladies soft and warm hand will raise him. He is a brisk Spark, and therefore Courtiers adore him; he is smooth in his expression, and therefore Ladies delight in him; he is filled with nimble fancies, therefore the Wits frequent him, exhausting his radical moisture, to distil it into Poetical Raptures; for conceits never run faster from the Limbick of their brains, than when this Gentleman adds fuel to the Furnace. He whets wit, yet dulls it; creates new Fancies, and stupifies. Gives the Orator a fluent tongue, and makes him speechless. Gives a Poet feet till he cannot go. And as he helps Ministers to preach, so he likewise silenceth more than the Spanish Inquisition. He hath a great many tricks in him: He will make a Faulkner fly high within doors; Make a Huntsman catch a Fox by the fire-side; Whatever he holds, is made good; and unless you mind him well, much good matter that falls from him, may be lost: for he is often fluent beyond measure. All Tongues court him; and those that look narrowly unto him, shall find him no dry Fellow. The truth is, he is too profound for shallow brains to meddle with him: He will pour out quaint expressions and hard words so thick, that the best Scholars are glad at last to give him something to stop his mouth: Yet hold him up fairly, and you may get all he hath out of him. He is excessively beloved, and relishes all Company, being pleasant, and full of admirable humours. He is inwardly acquainted with the Lord Mayor and Aldermen, and incorporateth with their Wives daily. His Kisses are so sweet, that they lick their lips after him; and though his breath be strong, yet it is not offensive. He is a true Good-fellow, drinking till he hath no eyes to see with: Good Liquor is his Life and Soul, and he is never musty but for want of it. He will drink till he be filled up to the very throat, and gape whilst others put it in. He will bear as much Sack as any man in England of his bulk; yet he will be soon drunk in Company. But if you will give him leave to vomit, he will take his Liquor and drink fresh, till all the Company be forced to leave him. Drinking is his hourly exercise, seldom lying out of a Tavern. He is the main Upholder of Club-meetings, without fear of being broke. He picks mens pockets, yet is never made more reckoning of than by such persons. As for his Estate, I can onely say this, That all he hath he carries about him; yet generally he is reputed rich: What he hath, he holds upon courtesie; but what he gives others, is held in Capite. What he possesseth, is commonly upon Sale; yet more for plenty, than for want; and if you can purchase him you purchase all.
I could never endure Idleness, I was ever in action; either writing, or contriving, or putting in execution my contrivances; I thought it better male agere quam nihil agere: my brains or hands were continually working, and very seldom but effectually. My pen was generally so happy in discoveries, that my wit was much applauded by the most censorious: much respected I was, & my company much importuned by the Tankerd-bearers of Helicon, by which means I so swelled with pride, that I thought my self little inferior to Apollo. I called Mercury Pimp, the nine Sisters Whores, whom I had frequently layn with, and might when I pleased: the best title I could bestow on Pegasus was Hackny-Jade. In the height of this my opinionativeness, my Cooler (our Masters maid) came to me where I was alone; and after many heart-fetcht sighs, told me she found her self with child; which news had like to have deprived me of my understanding: but knowing that Vexation never remedies but rather adds to trouble, I was resolved to bear it patiently, and study some means to preserve her and my Credit. I framed a Letter as from her Father, desiring her to come down into the Country speedily, if she intended to see him alive; and according as we had laid the Plot, she shews it her Mistress, desiring her leave to shew her duty to her dying Father. Our Mistress most willingly consented thereunto, as knowing that there was more than ordinary love between us; the maid had staid as long as possibly she might without discovery, Lacing her self very streight, and keeping down her belly with three Busks: but now she made haste to rub off: I had provided a Midwife that should be her Bawd too: but this could not be done without extraordinary cost. After her Delivery, I found the keeping of her and the Child very expensive: then did I begin to consider what a vast charge, and how many various troubles this momentary lecherous pleasure draws upon a man: how furiously he is upon the onset, and how quickly satisfied, loathing that Object he a little before longed for. Well, I bethought my self how to be rid both of Cow and Calf. I told her I would get together what moneys I could, and so marry her, upon condition she would be willing to travel with me whither I went, which I knew was her onely desire: I informed her of my intention to go for Virginia; and the reasons that induced me thereunto.
First, her disgrace would not be known there: Next, my Master could have no power over me, insisting further on the pleasantness of that Continent, and the plenty of every thing, &c.
She assented to all I propounded, relying her self solely on me, to dispose of her as I pleased. To palliate my design, I went with her to Gravesend, pretending as if I was then going with her beyond Sea, for no other end but to clear my self from her there, knowing that after she had past examination or search of the Block-house, she would meet with no more. Being aboard, I suddenly seemed to have forgot something ashore; having well laid my Plot upon the Basis of a good Sum of money I had distributed among the Sea-men, with a considerable present to the Master, and telling my Landabris I would return to her instantly, I got into the Boat; and immediately after the Ship weighed Anchor, and quickly was under Sail. I confess, notwithstanding the Devil had at that time the total possession of me; yet I was much troubled at what I had done so hard-heartedly and cruelly. A flood of tears had so overwhelmed my sight, that I could not discern the Ship in which she was: so sensible I was of the wickedness of this Fact, that Dido-like, I could have thrown my self into the Sea after her, had not a good Woman, whose Husband was in the same Ship, prevented me. Observing my tears, ’Tis probable, Young Man, (said she) you have lately taken your leave of some dearly beloved Friend; and I guess, by your earnest looking after yond Ship under sail, the person was in her. I told her it was truth. My Husband is in the same Vessel, (said she) and therefore I have as much cause to grieve as you. Come, be of good comfort, Man, Friends must part; and it is better to part here than at the Gallows. Go along with me, and we will wash down sorrow; and with a Glass of neat Canary, antidote our hearts against any thing that may disturb them.
With that I lookt intentively in her face, and found it correspondent with a jolly temper. An Eye black and piercing; and Eye-brows black also, and each as big as a mans thumb comparatively: a sign that never fails to denote that Woman capable of giving a man the greatest delectation. She was every way compleatly handsome, and suitable to the desires of the most curious Critick in Love-affairs. I thought it a shame to deny so kind a proffer, and a crime in Youth unpardonable not to embrace that opportunity, that shall lead him by the hand into Venus her Bed-chamber. With that I addrest my self to her, (and afterwards undrest together) declaring that the force of her Rhetorick, assisted by her external beautiful, and altogether lovely form, had forced me to forget my onely dearly beloved she-friend, and to become her Proselyte, her absolutely devoted convert, and would prostrate my will to be guided by hers and her command. With that we concluded to solace ourselves at the next Tavern: I applied my self to my old way of insinuation: which soon melted her, so that I saw I might when I pleased stamp loves impression on her. Returning to Gravesend, we soon lodged our selves conveniently for our intended purpose: having so done, I so ordered the matter, that there was not anything wanting that might please our sences. Yet fearing lest her love should cool again, there was no Art forgotten that might serve to entertain it. Delays in love-affairs are dangerous: Women love not to be too long Tantalized; there is a certain critical time to know their inclination; which if you punctually observe, you shall assuredly reap the fruits of your desires; if not, you may perpetually wait, but never enjoy the like opportunity. Wherefore the Iron glowing hot, I thought good to strike: to enliven my spirits, she sent for a noise of Musick, ordering them to play in the next Room. And in the end we began to think of some repose, agreeing before to lie in two Chambers contiguous to each other; which were accordingly provided. As soon as I thought all the Houshold were in bed, I repaired to my Mistress, who eagerly expected my coming; approaching the bed-side, she clasped me in her arms: As soon as day broke, I arose, bespeaking a fat Capon swaddled with Sassages, and a Quart of Buttered Sack. I got all ready by the time of her rising: she was extraordinarily well pleased in my double dilligence of serving her: having applauded my industry and care of her, we fell to it, interlining every bit with a Glass of Canary. She told me she would never part whilst she had a penny left, having about her some Thirty Pieces of Gold. Well (said I) my Dear, since it is thy resolution, a match; but let me be Steward: Which she agreed unto, delivering into my hands what Gold she had. For two or three hours I shewed my self very officious in my place; but considering that when this money was spent, we should not know what to do, I thought it was better for one to want than two; besides, I had lately surfeited on a Medler, and therefore my stomack nauseated the very thoughts thereof. I had feed the Drawer to bring me word just as the Gravesend Barge was going off; which accordingly he did, by a private sign concluded betwixt us. I then pretended an excuse to go down, under the notion of providing something novel, which should be conducive to our mirth and jollity. I had just so much time below to write her these lines in stead of a solemn leave taking, leaving them with the Drawer to present her, and so went aboard the Barge for London.
Madam, I’m gone, no wonder, for you know,
Lovers encounters are but touch and go.