Grief will distract you, and destroy your wit;
Good Sir, preserve it, for y’ ave paid for it.
I rid post for Holy-head night and day, so that I arrived there in a very short time: going to dismount, I tumbled off, neither could I rise again; continual and unaccustomed riding had almost dislocated every bone in my body, notwithstanding it was swathed for that purpose. The next day I made a shift to walk abroad to view the Rarities of the Town, but found nothing rare but handsome Women, Civility, and good Drink. In two days time we set Sail: we had not ran above three Leagues before the Sky darkned; the Wind blew hard at a South-East, and the Waves rose mountain-high: In an hours time we were forced to cut our Masts by the board, and lightning the Ship as much as we could, let her drive. Every man fell to his Prayers, expecting every moment when they should be swallowed up by the Sea. As for my part, I now thought divine vengeance had overtaken me, and would reckon with me for all my Rogueries; I lookt on my self as Jonas, & was much troubled that others should suffer for my iniquities. About three a Clock in the morning we heard a hideous noise occasioned by the beating of the Sea against the Rocks, which was ecchoed by the loud and lamentable cries of the Seamen, who now knew there was no hope for us. Now could I pray heartily, that had never pray’d in my life before: but my Devotion was soon spoiled, for the Ship struck in between two Rocks. I lookt out, and methought the dashing of the waves lookt perfectly like flashes of Fire. Here she stuck a little while, which gave five of us opportunity to leap out upon a Rock: we were no sooner there, before a wave fetcht her off, but brought her on again, and split her all to pieces. We five in the mean time riding astride on a Rock behind one another, like so many Criminals on a Woodden-horse. Sometimes a wave would strike clear over us, which indangered our washing off. Sometimes we thought to let go our hold, as looking upon our preservation to be impossible; and withal imagining that the tide was coming in. At last the hindmost could hold no longer, but crying, Lord have mercy on my Soul, committed himself to the merciless Sea. Immediately came a tumbling Sea and washt of the next; now did I expect that every wave would prove my Executioner. But it was not decreed (I suppose) that I should be drown’d. Day broke, so that we could discern we were not a Coits cast from Shore, and that the Sea was ebbing. We waited not above an hour before we crawled to Shore, for go we could not, our joynts were so benumb’d by the cold. We got up the Beach, and could discern a little way distant a small Cottage; thither were repaired with much difficulty, and were kindly entertained, pittyed, and informed where we were. We stay’d about a week in this Isle of Man, without one farthing expence. For the Inhabitants are generally very civil, and courteous, and especially to Strangers. From thence we imbarkt for Dublin.
CHAP. XXIV.
His Arrival into Ireland: he changeth his Name: what trick he serv’d his first Landlady; all his Money being spent, and those Goods and Coyn likewise Shipwrackt which he expected to follow him.
We landed at a place called Ringsend about a mile from Dublin. I was askt whether I would have a Coach. Where are there any, said I? (for I lookt about me, and could see nothing like a Coach) the fellow lookt upon me to be a very ignorant person, because I understood not what he meant, and angerly spake thus: By my Gossips hand, thou canst not see very much well, arre look here is one by thine own side. It was a great while before I could tell what language he spoke, he did so tone his words; neither could I understand him, till one standing by interpreted him. As for his Ringsend-Coach, as he call’d it, it was Wheel-barrow fashion, only it had two Wheels not much bigger then a large Cheshire Cheese: the Horse that drew this Princely-pygmy-Chariot, I at first mistook for an over-grown Masty; but viewing him narrowly, found him the extract (by his shape) of a Scotch-Hobby; well, up I mounted, but could not invent a name for the manner of my riding, for I was neither coacht nor carted, but I fancyed my self (and that justly) as I was riding, to be some notorious Malefactor drawn on a Sledge to the place of execution, which afterwards experimentally I found Dublin to be: many of its Inhabitants call this City Divlin, quasi Divels Inn, & very properly it is by them so termed; for there is hardly a City in the world that entertains such variety of Devils Imps as that doth. If any knavishly break, murder, rob, or are desirous of Polygamy, they straightway repair thither, making that place, or the Kingdom in general, their Azylum, or Sanctuary. My first care was to plant my self conveniently; the next day I sent for a Barber to shave all my hair off, ordering him to bring me a Periwigg of an absolute contrary colour to my own hair, to the intent that if I should meet with any of my former acquaintance, they might not know me, whereby I should prevent their sending notice to any where I was. The truth of it is, in this disguize I hardly knew my self. The greatest difficulty I found, was to make my self familiar with my fictitious name. At first when my Landlady called me by that name, I either star’d her in the face, or lookt behind me, (not answering thereunto) thinking she had spoke to some man else: but had I not pretended to be thick of hearing, and so that way apologizing for my silence, my design might have been marr’d. I daily met with several I knew, but would not take the least cognizance of them.
In this manner I spent a moneth, but all this while no tidings of my Goods and money; that which I had brought with me was all consumed. My Landlady (as it is customary there, having as little trust or faith as they have Religion) called upon me for what I owed her. For a little while, I stopt her mouth, by telling her I had a considerable quantity of Goods and Money too coming, which I expected by every fair wind. A little while after I heard the Ship in which they were was cast away. Now did I absolutely conclude Gods just judgement attended my fraud and knavery. My loss I did not in the least discover to any, knowing I should reap at first only some pitty, and afterwards be undervalued and disrespected. My Hostess again was very importunate with me to have her Reckoning: I endeavoured to put her off, saying, I expected daily Bills of Exchange; but she would not believe me; for I perceived that she had been often cheated with such delusions.
Now did I not know what to do: I thought good to try another way; she being a Widdow, I fancyed I could work upon her Female frailty: I used all means possible to get her alone; which I did but seldom, and then did I make use of all my Rhetorick to perswade her into a belief how dearly I loved her: she replyed little, but would laugh at me till she held her sides again. I verily believe she understood my drift, which I might argue from her expressions. Sometimes she would say, Come, come, away with these love-fooleries, and pay me what you owe. Then would I tell her, all I enjoyed, & my self too, were properly hers, and that she might take them when she pleased into her possession. No, no, she would say, my youthfull days are past, and it is time for me to look Heavenwards; wherefore let fall your suit, &c.
Since words would no ways prevail, I resolved to try something else, knowing how difficult it is for a Woman when in bed to refuse a Venereal proffer. To that purpose one night I came softly into her Chamber, and groping with my hand for her face, I caught a man by the Beard: at which he awaked, and thinking the Devil was come to trim him, or rob him of his Wash-balls, would have cryed out aloud, but that fear had so lockt up his voice, that his highest note was little louder then whispering; I could but just hear him say, In the name of —— what art? I am, said I, (and then she wak’d too) no Ghost, but a living witness of your leachery; to that intent I came hither, to be fully satisfied of what I have a long time suspected. As for you Madam, your youthful days are past, but your lust will endure for ever. If this be your way to Heaven, why were you so uncharitable as not to let me go along with you? As for your part, Sir, I believe that you are traveling that way too; for if I mistake not, you lately came out of Purgatory.
To be short, they both intreated me to be silent, and retire to my own lodging, & that in the morning they would treat with me to my full satisfaction. This was what I aimed at, though brought about otherwise then intended. Early they both came to me: the pious Gentlewoman being very tender of her credit, would forgive me my Debt, if I would not blemish her reputation by my report; her Gallant gave me ten pieces to bind the bargain: having gotten a discharge under her hand, I sealed our contract with an Oath and faithful promise never to divulge their shame. The Gentleman (though his estate much exceeded hers) out of spight, I think, or vexation to be so caught, incontinently married her, though all former sollicitations (which I understood were many) proved ineffectual.