This obstacle being removed (the Remora to our fair promising Fortune) none were more extold and courted for Wealth and Beauty (rarely seen together) then my Sister and self; men of all sizes, both of Wit, Estate and Stature, daily frequented my Fathers House, pretending they came for the goodness of Wine there vended, till they had got an interest in our acquaintance, and then they unmaskt their meaning. Several overtures were made to our Parents, who like good domestick Polititians, seemed to like, to incourage them to continue coming for their expence sake: frequently they bespake Dinners, vying who should exceed in prodigality, thinking thereby to gain esteem, while the old Fox did but laugh at them in private for their pains. My Mother had her trade at her fingers ends; for when she would oblige any of them to any treaty, it was but calling him Son, or Sirrah you are a wag, my Benjamin must have the largest Portion, &c. By this means she chained them to the house, and to engage them the more, permitted us to bear them company; but fearing lest we might glut our Idolators by too long staying (for we sooner surfeit on delicates than courser fare) our Mother would call us, pretending present business, and would then supply the place her self; then would they charge afresh, till they had blinded one another. I must needs say, my Mothers company was deservingly desirable: for though she had past her ages Æquinox, yet her beauty appeared but a very little declining. In her youthful dayes she was the wonder of her Sex, and was so generally talkt of among Beauty-hunters, that our Tavern was never empty, and happy was he that could procure the drinking of a glass with her at the Bar, but transported, if they could obtain the favour to have her company in a room: which for profit she sometimes permitted, and something else, which my Father winked at gladly, because he could not find the like expedient to enrich himself. She was comely, tall, and of a beautious blushing brown; her hair proper to her complexion, neatly put into curls and folds by Nature: Her face was made up of excellent parts; as a quick eye and full; her circled brows graceful and big; her nose not over Roman, with a full mouth; the largeness of the lips commendable, because plump and red; her dimpled chin (which Nature had drawn, with a wanton touch of her Pensil) did singularly set out her looks most comely. Her neck was round, rising, full and fat: her Bodie well fed, not fat; an Italian Don’s delight. When any Gentlemen came in, me thinks I now see how she leared out of her inticing Italianated eyes, able to confound a Saint. In short, her hair was enough to enchant you into those mazes, but that her looks were so neer, which hooked yours into her eyebals, full, black and rowling; and when she had you, she held you there. Neither was she a niggard of those gifts were so liberally bestowed on her, but communicated a taste thereof to divers; for as she was naturally prone to whorishness, so she gave her inclinations the reins, and at last became so impudent, that she did frequently that in our sights, which though we understood not, being too young, yet forceably drew a blush into our tender cheeks. Being in her prime, she gave her self so much libertie, that she was a shame to her Sex; there was not any vice that was attended either by pleasure or profit, but she would be sharer therein. And now being gulled with shadows and impostures, she drew up the Portcullis of her heart, and laid the gates thereof wide open to her own ruine. Who would imagine, that a pleasing countenance could harbour villany, or that a smile could set upon the face of mischief? But therein she shewed her self a Curtezan of the right stamp, that for her own advantage can entertain mans appetite with wanton dalliance, but will never make assurance of settled love. When men think themselves most interested in her, then was it frequently that they were farthest from her. I am somewhat the longer in my Mothers Character, that I might the fuller demonstrate what was the original that I so exactly copied in the actions of my own life. Did Parents consider how prevalent their wicked examples are with their Issue, they would be less curious to cleanse their houses of dirt and dust against the comming of their friends, and more careful not to see them hung with vices in the presence of their Children. You see I know the difference between good and evil, because I talk so well, though I act so ill. But to proceed. How is it possible the Daughter should be chaste, that cannot reckon up the adulteries of her Mother, though she be nere so well in breath, without a dozen stops or intermissions at the least? Such as are conscious to these faults in others, cannot but be capable of them in themselves. The hearing of them told, begets a willingness to try them: the seeing of them done, a wilfulness to do them. She presumed I believe upon our indiscretions as Children, perswading her self we had not wit enough to discern it. But alas! she erred in her Cyphers, and was much mistaken in her accounts: for we coming to years, did not stick to that in her sight, which she before would not forbear in ours. And with what face could she reprove us?
The crooked wretch must not upbraid the lame,
Nor must the Moor the tawny Indian blame.
Her house did daily swarm with such as pretended more then common kindness to me. Several my Parents approved of as wealthy, and propounded them to me, whom I only disliked for want of comeliness. One I confess I could have fancied highly for his wit, had not his formation been so extravagant and preposterous. O the innumerable quantity of Poetick brats which Pallas-like sprang out of his head, and so pestred my Chamber, that I could hardly sleep for the trampling of their feet: some whereof appear’d so fair unto me from a Father so foul, that I have carried them in my bosome to converse with them among the solitary shades. I protest civility could scarce keep me from laughing outright every time I saw him, his whole composure appear’d to me so ridiculous. For first, his head seem’d to sink down into his brest, his eyes flaring affrighted at the danger, whilst his mouth continually gaped, as if it intended to cry out for help: his back and brest bunched out, as if a wallet stuffed at both ends had hung over his shoulder behind and before. Though extravagant enough, you could not say he shewed much waste. Had you seen him on a rainy day, by the length of his leggs (yet of dwarfish stature) you would have thought him mounted on stilts, and wading through the dirt with a boy at his back. Now let me skip over his person, and only tell you how I served him, and then I have done with him. That day I saw him not, I had his representation sent me, which was good diversion, but his presence was insufferable: to the intent therefore that I might be rid of him, I sent him these lines.
SIR,
You are the Son of Esop, for I find
Legitimation by your shape and mind;
Deform’d ye are alike, thence’t is thought fit
That such defects should be supply’d by wit.
Your aspect’s monstrous foul, yet don’t complain,