CHAP. XLIX.
How he cheated a young Citizen newly set up, and an Upholster.
A young Citizen about to set up, and wanting some money, was directed to me, to procure so much as his present occasion required. I treated him very civilly, promising him very fairly; and in order thereunto, appointed him a day; which being come, contrary to my expectation or desire, he brought a crew with him, to see the receipt of the money. Judging this time inconvenient for my designes, I told him I expected the money this very day; but if he pleased to seal the Bond, and have it witnessed, he might keep it himself; and bringing the Bond with him the next day, he should not fail to have his money. The next day he came to the place appointed, where I was ready to wait him. As good fortune would have it, he came alone. I discours’d with him a while: at last I desired him to let me see the Bond; which he delivered into my hand, being sign’d and seal’d before. I took this as a good and lawful livery, and put it up into my pocket. He asked me what I meant. I told him he should know when the Bond became due. Why Sir, said he, you will not serve me so? Dost thou think I am such a fool, said I, to lend thee so much money upon a piece of paper, which next Showre of rain will wash away with thy self into the common Shore? Shall I trust thee, when thou canst not trust thy self? At this the young man began to be clamorous; but one of my accomplices soon still’d the Clapper of his mouth, by a sound knock on the pate, which laid him asleep: and in the mean time we marcht off. Just as the money came due upon the Bond, my flock-pated Cit was gone to tell his friends in the Country the danger of Counters and Prisons in the Citie. At another time I wanted money to supply my present occasions, but could not instantly think of any other means of assistance in this necessity, but to sell my Featherbed, together with its appurtenances. Whereupon I packt them up, and desired a friend to go with the Porter, and sell them to an Upholster. My friend did so, and brought me half their worth; but withal, that which was more then their worth, the mans name. A week after, I wanted my bed, and resolved to have it again. To that end, I went to him that bought it, and asked him before a couple that I took with me, whether at such a time he had not such commodities sold him. He acknowledged that he had. I desired to see them: and he as readily granted it. Sir, said I, these are my Goods: I was lately robb’d, and now I know you are the Receiver: I must have you before a Justice, to know how you came by them. The naming of a Justice so terrified this silly fellow, that he bid me take them if I would swear they were mine, and put him to no further trouble. I swore they were mine, (and therein I was not perjur’d) but told him I could not receive stollen Goods safely, though they were mine own. In short, I recovered my Bed and furniture, with money to boot.
CHAP. L.
He is at last met withal, and laid up in Prison by one of his Creditors. The abuses and tricks Sergeants use to arrest men. Lastly, he escaped, by putting a trick upon his Keeper.
Having gone thus far without any remarkable check or controul, at least any such as might bear a proportion with the villanies and injuries I had done, I absolutely thought that nothing was dishonest or difficult that had in it either pleasure or profit. Meeting with no molestation or hinderance, I took my freedom to do even what I listed. One time thinking my self most secure, I then found my self in the greatest danger, being arrested in an Action of 5000 l. Several times there were attempts made to take me, but I was still too cunning for them: yet at last they over-reacht me; it will not be amiss to relate in what manner. They had information, that every week I had Letters come to me out of Essex, and that the Porter which brought them had still free admittance to me: wherefore the Serjeant provided himself a Frock, and a Rope about his middle, which would better have become his neck, and with Letters in his hand directed to me, trudged to my lodging. Knocking at my door, and being demanded his business, he told them he had Letters for the master of the house, nominating me. Looking out, and seeing no one but a seeming Porter, I order’d that he should be let in. Assoon as he was enter’d, he bid my Worship good morrow, and in stead of delivering me his Letters, shewed me his Mace; which I wisht might be the onely spice and meat too he should eat for a twelvemonth. Seeing how I was betraid, I went quickly along with him to the Compter; and afterwards, finding I could make no composition with my Creditors, turned my self over to the Kings-Bench. Various are their tricks and inventions to ensnare whom they intend to arrest. Sometimes I have known a Creditor seem to comply with his Debtor, telling him that paying some inconsiderable matter, his Bonds should be renewed with longer time: then appoint him a place of meeting, where he saith he will bring a Counsellor and Scrivener; a Counsellor to advise them in management of their business, and a Scrivener to write what they determined. He acquainted a Serjeant and a Yeoman with his Plot, who were as hot upon it, as an Italian on a Wench of Fifteen. The Serjeant going with a Barresters Gown on his back, and the Yeoman with his beard cut as close as a Stubble-Field, with a Pen in his ear, and some Parchment in his hand, effected their designe without suspition. A Merchant I knew, that intended to break and go beyond Sea, was betraid by his servant, who informed his Creditors that just at such a time his Master would be gone; that on the morrow he would send for Coopers to hoop some Dry-fats to pack his goods; and that if ever they hoped to have their money, they must make that their time. Some Sergeants were presently acquainted herewith, who attired like Coopers in red caps, canvase breeches, with Ads in their hands, and hoops about their shoulders, went to the Merchant, and were entertained whilst he was giving them direction; but in stead of hooping the Dry-fats, they hoopt him in their arms, and arrested him. Before they parted with him, they made him part with so much money as would satisfie his Creditors and them; and made him fee them besides, not to enter any more Actions against him. They will change themselves into as many shapes as Proteus, to bring about their designes: sometimes like a grand wealthy Citizen, othertimes like a Country fellow newly come to town, with boots and spurs all dirty. Now as I have related their manner of arresting, so let me in short inform you of their using (or rather abusing) prisoners. First they enquire of the person whether it be the first time he was arrested: if so, then they know the better how to deal with him: perhaps they will carry him to the Tavern, pretending to do him kindness, where they will advise him to send for some friend; and one of them will be the Porter himself; but in stead of fetching the friend, he only enquires out his Creditors, and perswades them to use this opportunity to recover their debt: mean while, the other that is left behinde doth milk him. The messenger returning, sorrowfully tells him his friend is not at home. Getting as much as they can by spunging, and sucking the very heart-bloud of his pocket, the Compter must be his refuge at last. Sometimes, when they see a man in fear of Arresting, they will without warrant of the Creditor give him a cast of his Office, which they often do before they enter their Action; and have ways to prevent any mischief that can come by search of the Offices. Other times, for a fee, they will send to the party to keep out of the way, as was concluded beforehand. Oftentimes, upon an Arrest, if the Creditor stand not by, they will let the partie escape for a Brace of Angels, or so; and tell his adversary that he cannot set eye on him. And whereas their Fee for an Arrest is to be but 1 s. yet will they hardly be perswaded to do their Office under a Crown: and albeit the Statute say that the partie arrested shall pay but one Groat, I will not excuse him for an Angel. If a man oppose them, or endeavour an escape, they will both gripe and pinch him, and afterwards clap an Action of Assault and Battery on him at their own Suit. I could say more of them, but that for fear, I must be favourable, who am now, as I tell you, a prisoner in the Kings Bench, which may be called The Bankrupts Banquetting-house, where he feasts himself on dishes borrowed from other mens tables; or, The Prodigals Purgatory, and A Pesthouse for decaying Citizens. Weary of this place, wherein are as many maladies and mischiefs as flew out of Pandora’s box opened by Epimetheus; I invented this stratagem: One day I pretended much business abroad, and so got leave to go out with my Keeper, resolving not to return with him. Having been from Tavern to Alehouse, and so to Tavern again, pretending the dispatch of much business, I at length told my Keeper, that I would visit a very dear friend of mine, but that I thought it requisite to be trim’d first. He consenting, we went to a Barbers. I sat down in the Chair first; and being dispatcht, I desired the Keeper to sit down too, and I would pay for sprucifying his Phisnomy. Whilst he was trimming, I talkt of one thing or other, to hold him in discourse. At last said the Barber, Shut your eyes, or else my ball will offend them. Shutting his eyes, I took an occasion to slip out, planting my self in an house hard by; the Barber not imagining I was a prisoner. The Keeper not hearing me talk, valued not the smart, but opened his eyes; and seeing me not in the shop, rose up, and that so hastily, that he overthrew Cutbeard, and the bason on him, running out into the street with the Barbers cloth about him, and Don Barberoso’s Turbant on his head. The people seeing him thus with the froth about his face, concluded him mad, and as he ran gave him the way. The Barber with his Razor ran after the Keeper, crying, Stop him, stop him, that I may be revenged on the Rogue. The other nere minding the Outcry, ran staring up and down as if his wits had lately stole away from him, and he in pursuit of them. Some durst not stop him, others would not, thinking the Barber by his posture intended to have his Testicles for abusing his wife. To conclude, the Barber at last seis’d him, and having recovered his cloaths, and made him pay 6 d. for shaving, the Keeper was dismist with a kick or two in the arse; the Barber not suffering him to speak a word in his own defence. Thus freeing my self, I resolv’d to take the Country-air, where I happily met with you. Many other things worthy remembrance did he relate, which now I have forgot. Some while we staid together; but at last his business call’d him one way, and my Padding Trade invited me another.
CHAP. LI.
He is laid up in Oxford-Goal by his Host, he is cheated at Chester; and after some time is ransomed thence by some of his Comrades, Knights of the Road, they paying his Debts.
Our Crew having been abroad, we had got a valuable Purchase; which after we had divided, I told them, that I would but visit a friend at Oxford, and repair to them again within two or three days. My old Acquaintance being overjoy’d to see me, after so long absence, treated me very gallantly, introducing me into the society of the Wits; who would frequently drink too, till they had lost them. The Company pleased me so well, that I thought it a solecism in civility to be sober, when they made any appointment for mirth; and they being true Bacchanalians, in the uppermost Classes of Aristippus’s School, scorn’d to be outvy’d by a junior Sophister; and therefore, do what I could, they would be drunk before me: they never contended about any argument that tended to ebriety, but swallowed them all. I thought they would never have done speaking of Sack; every one endeavouring who should express most in its praise. One said, That Diogenes was but a dry fellow; and the only reason he could give for it, was, That it is shrewdly suspected by the Commentators on his Tub, that that wooden-house of his was given him by a Beer-brewer, who being a enemy to all good wits and learning, gave him this Cask, which formerly had contained that pernicious liquor, Beer, that by the meer scent he might destroy his understanding. But Bacchus is so witty a Philosopher, that he never fails, night nor day, to pour forth his instructions, till he hath filled his auditors out of measure; it is he that makes us speak fluently, and utter our minds in abundance: for my part, I am commonly so overjoyed in his company, that I have often feared I should never be my own man again. Said another, It is Sack was the Promethean fire, not stoln from Jove’s Kitchin, but his Wine-cellar, to increase the native heat, without which we are but cold clay; but that celestial liquor applyed even to the dead, will cause a revivification: this is it which gave Ganymede beauty, and Febe youth. Can you think, that ever Aristotle would have been taken notice of, had he drank Ale or Beer; or, that Alexander’s conquests had been heard of, had he been sober? therefore to make his Captains famous to posterity, he taught them how to muster Quarts and Pottles, and by accustoming them to be dead-drunk, shewed them the way to contemn death. All this is true (said another, so drunk, that what he spake could hardly be understood) but pray take my opinion with you too: do not all light things ascend? what better way is there to understand high matters, then a light head? Copernicus by the lightness of his head, claimed alliance with heaven, and by that first found out the motion of the earth; which he could never have done, had not Sack been his instructor. Hence grew the Proverb, In vino veritas, as if Sack were the only Butt truth shoots at, the piercing of which causeth the other to be drawn out with it. For my part Gentlemen, said I, my passion was never more stirred then the other day, comming by a red-lettice, unto which I have a natural antipathy: there did I hear a Tapster aver, that Helicon was nothing more then an Hogs-head of March-beer, and that Pegasus was anciently a Dray-horse; and then speaking of French wine, in derision, called him frisking Monsieur; and the Spanish, Don Rhodomontado; swearing that if ever he met with either, he would challenge all the Drawers in the Town to dash him as he would. Then tumbling out two or three small-beer oaths, he wisht that he might never look through his red-lettice Percullice, if he did not verily believe he should see Monsieur burn’d with a pox to him, and Spanish Don mull’d to death with butter and eggs.
It is a thing beyond my reason,