I do not tell you these things to gain your sympathy, but so that, if you should want to come back to me, you will not be shocked to find me horrible.
I must go on.
Five days ago my craving began to yield. The blessedness of the relief is beyond description. Little by little the resistance to my will weakened. Little by little my will gained mastery. It seemed a youthful giant, learning its power. It seemed to fill the room, to seek to reach beyond and find new labors for its strength. I felt the moment approach when I, no longer a slave of myself, could indeed rise from thanks to God and feel my triumph sure.
I dared three days ago to touch my drugs, to take them in my hand, to mock them.
Yesterday I got up. I began to write this message.
I could hear martial music as I wrote and the tramp of a million feet. It was the army of men and women who have fought against evil and won,—they who have been masters of themselves. As they passed, they cheered me, each one; they waved their hats and hands!
And afterward there came a little child and smiled and stretched his arms out to me. He was glad.
For he is to be my own.
| BOOK IX BEHIND THE WALL |