“If you are referring to me, I will further inform you that I had either to go off in the woods or knock you down. I chose the less of two evils.”
“Think you could do it, I suppose? Renny, you’re conceited. You’re not the first man who has made such a mistake, and found he was barking up the wrong tree when it was too late for anything but bandages and arnica.”
“I have tried to show you how I feel regarding this matter. I might have known I should not succeed. We will end the discussion, if you please.”
“Oh, no. The discussion is just beginning. Now, Renny, I’ll tell you what you need. You need a good, sensible wife worse than any man I know. It is not yet too late to save you, but it soon will be. You will, before long, grow a crust on you like a snail, or a lobster, or any other cold-blooded animal that gets a shell on itself. Then nothing can be done for you. Now, let me save you, Renny, before it is too late. Here is my proposition: You choose one of those girls and marry her. I’ll take the other. I’m not as unselfish as I may seem in this, for your choice will save me the worry of making up my own mind. According to your talk, either of the girls is too good for you, and for once I entirely agree with you. But let that pass. Now, which one is it to be?”
“Good God! man, do you think I am going to bargain with you about my future wife?”
“That’s right, Renny. I like to hear you swear. It shows you are not yet the prig you would have folks believe. There’s still hope for you, professor. Now, I’ll go further with you. Although I cannot make up my mind just what to do myself, I can tell instantly which is the girl for you, and thus we solve both problems at one stroke. You need a wife who will take you in hand. You need one who will not put up with your tantrums, who will be cheerful, and who will make a man of you. Kitty Bartlett is the girl. She will tyrannize over you, just as her mother does over the old man. She will keep house to the queen’s taste, and delight in getting you good things to eat. Why, everything is as plain as a pikestaff. That shows the benefit of talking over a thing. You marry Kitty, and I’ll marry Margaret. Come, let’s shake hands over it.” Yates held up his right hand, ready to slap it down on the open palm of the professor, but there was no response. Yates’ hand came down to his side again, but he had not yet lost the enthusiasm of his proposal. The more he thought of it the more fitting it seemed.
“Margaret is such a sensible, quiet, level-headed girl that, if I am as flippant as you say, she will be just the wife for me. There are depths in my character, Renmark, that you have not suspected.”
“Oh, you’re deep.”
“I admit it. Well, a good, sober-minded woman would develop the best that is in me. Now, what do you say, Renny?”
“I say nothing. I am going into the woods again, dark as it is.”